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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Monthly Archives: February 2006

Don’t know what to say

25 Saturday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, In Hindsight

≈ Leave a comment

Chaz came by this morning. It was really strange to see him again after all this time.Sitting there talking with him, he almost felt like a stranger, and not someone I planned to spend my life with. Nothing went like I expected, no tears, no arguing, I've just felt completely numb ever since then.

Its strange, just sitting there listening to him make small talk like he did on the phone, asking my advice about his relationship with someone else. It just seemed the same as before, no remorse, just empty words, the Chaz I knew is gone.

I don't think I've wanted to do anything but sleep since he left. I'm just so exhausted between not sleeping all night, and all thats happened. I haven't meant to drop off of the face of the earth today, as an offense to anyone. I think I just need to sleep, and take time to let this all sink in. I knew facing him again wasn't going to be easy, but maybe now that it's been done I can finally start to let it go.

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When will it just go away?

24 Friday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, In Hindsight

≈ 1 Comment

He called here again a little bit ago. Apparently the phone company made a mistake and my number isn't unlisted like it's supposed to be.I've been sitting here trying to calm myself down enought to write this ever since.

Why does he think he needs to just call and make small talk with me after all hes done? What is it he wants from me? I don't have the strength to just do what I should do and tell him off. I really hate myself for that at times.

Now that I've had myself a good long cry mid-post, I still don't know what to do. Someday maybe I'll be alright…just keep praying and telling myself that. It's just really hard to believe sometimes.

Sometimes I just don’t know

21 Tuesday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel

≈ 1 Comment

I’m feeling a bit at the end of my rope again, so forgive me if things seem a bit out there. There’s so much I’m thinking and feeling that I just can’t escape. Theres only distraction, but thats only temporary, as soon as it’s over those thoughts and feelings only return again.

I can tell I’ve been depressed the last day or so. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual. I woke up from a nap yesterday feeling this way and I still can’t get it to shake. I woke up hearing music in my head again today, after I nodded off for a few minutes waiting on the pizza. It wasn’t just the music this time, but some very bizarre thoughts, some of which I really can’t talk about here.

I’m just beginning to feel the weight of the inevitable, and as much as i pray I won’t have to face it alone, I know that I might. The tears just won’t stop. Every day I cry and pray a little more.

Through the Hourglass

20 Monday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Creative Writing

≈ 2 Comments

I closed my eyes tonight and saw,

Another world not unlike my own.

Through endless streets of a grand city,

I saw not a soul,

I was alone.

I walked for hours,

In many places I found myself.

I saw both homes,

And grand cathedrals,

Lonely graveyards,

And moonlit beaches.

I saw them on my own.

From time to time,

A voice through the mist,

The vaguest notion of someone there,

Would give me hope,

And set my mind at ease.

There is no one to hold my hand,

Through sunlit days,

Nights of stars,

And infinite dark.

Endless stretches of sand,

Fall through the hourglass,

Before they are dreamed,

Forever gone.

Starting Over

18 Saturday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel

≈ 1 Comment

I don't know what makes me more afraid, the possibilty of change, or that my life will always be the same as it is now. I'll be alright for a few days, and then find myself in tears again. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Each time you get your heart broken, I think it takes another piece of you, and nothing can ever give that back. The space is just filled with doubt, fear, and lost peace of mind. Each time you try again it just gets harder to come out of your shell.

I spent 3 years building up that wall before I met him, it took  months for me to drop it completely and let him in, and in a day, everything fell to pieces. Sometimes I want to hide inside my shell and not let anyone inside. Its so hard to know who to trust, there is always a doubt of deception and motive. I just keep praying that someday, hopefully while I'm young enough to enjoy it, i'll find the one who will understand. Someone with an honest heart, without motivation, or something to hide. 

God I'm going to trust you and try to keep believing he's out there. it's just hard sometimes, with all I've been through. I've made a lot of really dumb decisions with the best of intentions. next time i do let someone in, I just want it to be right for a change.

Just a little scared

16 Thursday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel

≈ 1 Comment

I have this next door neighbor that really creeps me out. i don't really know him in more than passing, but he feels the need to get drunk while his wife is at work, and come knocking on my door. Naturally I dont let him in, but he stands out there pounding for sometimes a half hour to an hour at a time, talking to himself. He won't go away, even if asked, or told to do so. Today I finally got fed up waiting for him to go away and called the police.

This guy is the reason I keep my doors locked and deadbolted even in the daytime. I've heard him turn my doorknobs, trying to let himself in when I don't answer him. I've now gone to not only the police, but the landlady about him. I've lived in this neighborhood all but a handful of years out of my life, and up until now I've never been afraid here. There's no way  I'm gonna take this lying down.

Thinking Back…

14 Tuesday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, In Hindsight, Random Tangents

≈ 1 Comment

This town has a lot of ghosts, and I don't mean that in the literal sense. Everything I see, and everywhere I go, has some sort of memory connected to it. Even good memories can break your heart years later, when the person connected to them is gone.

I found my old journal from around the time I met Chaz online this morning. It was hard to read what I'd written and not feel like a fool. I'll admit I was crying like an idiot, re-reading each post, right before they were deleted. the memories are enough, I don't need anything else to remind me.

I've often envied those who find one another when they're young. Even when I hear them complain, sometimes I wish they knew that they have something of which I can only dream. It's so hard to have faith that God has someone in mind for me. Especially now that the person I loved more than anything, said he never loved me back, met someone else, and walked away.

I don't know where to go from here. every day seems the same now. I spend too much time on the net, and take a walk once in while. I see a lot of people on my walks, but none really talk to me. I have no friends other than those I chat with online. Its not much of a life, but its all I have at the present time.                                                 

Dain Bramaged

12 Sunday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Rants

≈ 2 Comments

It never ceases to amaze me the things that can mess up with one accidental drop of a keyboard. Take for instance what happed to me a few moments ago. I don't have a desk yet, so I sit here on the floor, keyboard balanced across my knees. the dear puppy decides to try to nuzzle her way onto said lap…and over goes the keyboard keys down. Lo and behold, only a brief second later, all fonts have shrunk to an unreadable level.

 So silly me I am on IMs the one thing seemingly unaffected by the problem, freaking out to my friend Hannie about this. She gives me a few suggestions and I have IE fixed in a lash. Not so for the AOL. It takes restarting and fidling with a few more things under their settings page until finally, yes, I find something resembling what my friend said I should look for to fix it. Problem solved…yay…

It just amazes me that one briefly dropped keyboard can do in a fraction of a second what it takes you nearly 20 minutes to undo. What can I say, when i mess things up, I do it with style!

Puppy Love

11 Saturday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Rants

≈ 2 Comments

Megan is driving me a little batty. She has to be the strangest dog I have ever seen. It doesn't matter what it is, she feels the need to hide things and has little stashes all over the house. Even stranger, is the fact that even though shes fixed, she still has designs on doing naughty things to my stuffed tiger. (wah huh?) yeah, thats what I said too…

In some ways I've been feeling a bit better. i moved my journal due to virus problems at the site it was hosted at. I'm glad to see they have much cooler templates here now, bravo!

Someone asked me out a couple of days ago, but oddly enough I just clammed up. I guess Im really not ready to go back there again quite yet. Maybe I still just need some more time. I think it's like I told Tonya earlier today on the phone. If God has someone out there for me, he's really gonna have to slap me upside the head with him, cause I'm through looking for a long time. it isn't that I wouldn't want a realtionship again, but next time I just want it to be right..maybe you know what I mean. Two years of your life is a long time to waste with someone who never really loved you. Next time, before I let things go that far, I don't want to THINK someone loves me I want to KNOW.

The Epilogue From My Novel (for Stephen, I miss you..)

03 Friday Feb 2006

Posted by Aurora in Creative Writing, In Hindsight

≈ Leave a comment

Epilogue

It almost feels as if I have been shaken from a dream, as I make my way up into the sanctuary, sitting underneath the branches of your tree. Sometimes it seems as though you are still here, and so many other places watching over me. Each day I find some small reminder of what we shared, from the smell of your familiar cologne, to a song on the radio. You’re in the sky on moon lit nights, and when the wind whispers in the trees. No one is going to replace you in my heart, even as the years pass, the fact that we loved one another will never change.

I have often thought of you during the most joyous and saddest of times. I think of you as I watch our son grow, the world change, and each time I feel the future is uncertain. I think of you when I lie in bed at night, and when I’m afraid. I think of you when I feel like rejoicing, when someone blesses me with a random act of kindness, and each time I accomplish something I once thought I could never do. When times are hard I feel you beside me, and sometimes I can almost hear you laughing, telling me how simple it would be just to push past the fear, to find I can do anything.

I’ve been many places since I’ve last been here to talk to you, its amazing how much your world can open up, when you finally let go of the fear and let it. I’ve discovered as you once did that there is a world out there beyond this god forsaken little town, even if my heart leads me back here and still tells me that its home.

I still write about the places that I dream about that we will never get to see, the children that we might have had, the places we might have gone, and all of the things we might have done. In my stories, you have had many names, and you have been many things, but always, in every one you’ve been as kind and loving as you really were. There is no way to tell how many different guises you may yet still wear in the future. I think that you’d laugh to see all the places and people that you have been.

Our son is growing up so fast, and soon I fear he wont need me there to talk or to watch over him anymore. He’s already pulling away from me as a young man of his age should. I can tell he is falling in love with his best friend, much as his father did. You should see them together, sometimes it still makes my heart break. I hope their ending is happier than the one that destiny gave to us, that they have as many years together as we had few. Any heart full of love at all, would want it to turn out that way. Soon he’ll be grown with children of his own, and I’ll have grown old, wondering where time has gone, it all having slowly slipped away.

I still write to you every night in my journal, tell you about my day, and honestly, a lot has changed. The truth is as you know I have met someone, and part of me still wonders if letting myself care for him is the best thing. He will never be you, but he is so much like you, in so many ways. Loneliness has crept in, and much like our son, I’ve discovered that I do need someone to love me, even if it means that my life has to change.

No one will ever replace you in my heart, or mean the things that you have meant to me. You came into my life and taught me hope at a time when I could see nothing but the darkness surrounding me. I was a near suicidal child, that had never known what kindness and compassion could truly mean. You taught me to trust again, and you learned trust as well by putting your faith in me. I hope that it won’t make you angry, or betray that trust if I follow, what my hear now tells me that I really do need. I came here this morning, not to tell you goodbye, but to ask if it is alright if I let go, enough to find love again, to open my heart enough to let someone else in, and maybe someday, once again be truly happy.

I sat for the longest time, staring out the window of the sanctuary, just as we had on so many days. Its obvious that because of the trails, that more people have found it now, the walls covered with fresh graffiti. The tree still remains the same, grown a little bigger now, completely covering the sanctuary in its thick shade.

Maybe I’m sitting here waiting for a sign, wishing for you to come and speak to me in spirit one last time. There is no sound, except the wind in the trees, until I turn to walk away, then through the window, in the distance, I hear the laughter of children, and see them closing fast in my direction, one suspiciously like you, his shaggy blonde hair flying about madly in the breeze. Close at his side, his best friend, who is now his love, much as we were at their age. I watch for a moment as they pause just inside the wall, locked for a moment in one another’s embrace, reminding me so much of the first time we had stood that way. The wind picks up as he leans down to kiss her, happy tears falling from my eyes, as I remember. I think I know what you were trying to say.

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