I don't know what makes me more afraid, the possibilty of change, or that my life will always be the same as it is now. I'll be alright for a few days, and then find myself in tears again. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Each time you get your heart broken, I think it takes another piece of you, and nothing can ever give that back. The space is just filled with doubt, fear, and lost peace of mind. Each time you try again it just gets harder to come out of your shell.
I spent 3 years building up that wall before I met him, it took months for me to drop it completely and let him in, and in a day, everything fell to pieces. Sometimes I want to hide inside my shell and not let anyone inside. Its so hard to know who to trust, there is always a doubt of deception and motive. I just keep praying that someday, hopefully while I'm young enough to enjoy it, i'll find the one who will understand. Someone with an honest heart, without motivation, or something to hide.
God I'm going to trust you and try to keep believing he's out there. it's just hard sometimes, with all I've been through. I've made a lot of really dumb decisions with the best of intentions. next time i do let someone in, I just want it to be right for a change.
Metal Angel 
Tina….I don’t even think I know what to say to this. So….i’m just going to blabber and something good that you can use will come out.
Your life will change. It has to. A man will come into it. You’re like me Tina. I’ve often thought about what i’d do if anything ever happened to Debbie. I know what i’d do. Grieve for awhile and then….move on. Find someone else. Both you and me are NOT wired up to be alone. We were not made by GOD to be by ourselves. Like you say though….it is a fearsome, fear-inspiring thing to take that chance and let someone inside….for fear of being hurt. But girl….I know you well enough to say with some assurance that I don’t see you alone for the rest of your life. No…..
Just a thought. You talk about not being too old to enjoy it, life together, sex. T….I want to turn that around for you and make it a positive thing. T….you are NEVER too old to NOT enjoy the things that someone else can give to you. Life together, sex, just a simple kiss Tina….can be the most sensual thing on the earth if it is with him. The right man.
And you also talk about making dumb decisions with the best of intentions. Welcome to….the human race. You are so totally human. So alive, so full of caring, so full of love. Nah….you’re just human. That is all.