I don't know what makes me more afraid, the possibilty of change, or that my life will always be the same as it is now. I'll be alright for a few days, and then find myself in tears again. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Each time you get your heart broken, I think it takes another piece of you, and nothing can ever give that back. The space is just filled with doubt, fear, and lost peace of mind. Each time you try again it just gets harder to come out of your shell.
I spent 3 years building up that wall before I met him, it took months for me to drop it completely and let him in, and in a day, everything fell to pieces. Sometimes I want to hide inside my shell and not let anyone inside. Its so hard to know who to trust, there is always a doubt of deception and motive. I just keep praying that someday, hopefully while I'm young enough to enjoy it, i'll find the one who will understand. Someone with an honest heart, without motivation, or something to hide.
God I'm going to trust you and try to keep believing he's out there. it's just hard sometimes, with all I've been through. I've made a lot of really dumb decisions with the best of intentions. next time i do let someone in, I just want it to be right for a change.