The cabin fever of winter has passed, but now I find myself sticking close to home for entirely new reasons. I seem to have moved into a town that is allergy central. Who knew? And to think I had been doing so well the last few years when I had lived in the big city. I should have realized with all these beautiful trees, and nice scenery comes lots and lots of pollen that is currently rearing its ugly head with me as we speak. Thor also apparently caught his first preschool related virus, without even leaving home. (which of course he has since passed on to me) He now has in-home head start three days a week, and thankfully he seems to enjoy it, even though he has warmed up to some of his 3 teachers, more than the others.
Thor especially seems to have developed quite an affection for “Miss Gena” the teacher that normally comes here on Monday mornings. Tuesdays he has speech lessons with “Miss Carrie”, and Thursdays he has regular in home preschool, but this time with “Miss Christie.” While Miss Gena has been very consistent with him since the beginning, Carrie and Christie are still relatively new to him, having only just replaced other teachers that had relocated and/or moved to different jobs. It does take Thor a little time to warm up to people. Even Gena had to wait several visits before he came out of his shell with her. I guess it would be hard for any kid to do well when the people teaching them are constantly coming and going. I’m hoping that this set of teachers will decide to stick it out, at least until he gets old enough to go to a regular head start class in the fall.
I still have a great deal of worry over the fact that his speech seems rather behind where it should be at his age. Gena has assured me time and again that, even though Thor doesn’t use words much, he is very bright for his age. I guess that’s what makes this whole speech delay all the more puzzling. Outside of his problems with speech, he’s already learning his colors, and can even do 24 pieces jigsaw puzzles by himself. He can’t say the names of most animals, but he does know them by the sounds they make. Owl and bird seem to be the exception to this rule at the moment. Kitties are “meow” and so forth. He now knows the difference between cats and dogs even if he doesn’t quite have a word or sound for dog yet.
This latest development came when we recently rescued an elderly female dachshund.Her owner had apparently been an elderly woman who lived alone, but very suddenly ended up in a rest home, unable to care for her. With the local humane society temporarily shuttered, this poor hound was pound bound. She is such a sweet dog, and so good with Thor and our cats that I couldn’t see letting her wind up somewhere she would probably have only quickly been put to sleep. At 11 years old she is quite healthy and active for a dog this age, but most shelters would have considered her too old to be adoptable.
Not all our animal adventures lately have been as fun. A bat decided to pay our house a visit a couple of weeks ago, and I must admit, I hid under a blanket and screamed like a girl while my husband and a nice police officer helped it back outside. No one is worse for the wear Thankfully it happened early enough in the evening that we were awake. It was pouring down rain that evening, so all we can figure is that the rain may have chased it inside when we went to let the dog out. We haven’t been able to find any other way it might have gotten in. Hopefully this will be an extremely isolated incident and not repeat itself. I hate bats. I can deal with them outdoors, but I want them to stay far far away from my house…please and thank you.
It’s just been another thing on top of everything else that’s had my nerves wound tight lately. My family has been fighting like cats and dogs since my grandmother passed away in February. It’s stressing me to the point I’ve had to go low contact for awhile with both sides. I can’t take all this bickering and fighting anymore. I just want to be happy, and as much as I’d like to have a couple of small things of hers to remember my grandmother by, putting myself in the middle of this to get it just doesn’t seem worth it. I am trying to do just what I know that she would tell me to do. I will love them all, but I don’t have to agree with them, or do what they do.
I’ve begun to wonder when life will not be such a roller coaster ride. I would love to be able to enjoy the beginning of summer and do all those other fun things I read about other families doing on facebook, or all those shiny parenting blogs I am always coming across. The shambles my life is, and how broke we are really only makes me feel like more of a failure sometimes.
Life is very lonely with no friends, or even family nearby, not that my family would be much if any comfort presently. (close and supportive they are not, nor have they ever been) Now that my grandmother is gone, I am feeling really lost. Honestly I don’t think I have ever in my life felt so alone. It’s especially hard that I didn’t get to say goodbye. My own family was too busy going at each other to make sure I could make it to the funeral. (the fighting has since only gotten worse…not that they have ever not been fighting my entire life)
I just want to be happy, I want to get well from whatever bug preschool has drug in and do something, anything fun for a change. I want to have a fun summer the way that I used to. It doesn’t take expensive vacations, or even a non-existent beach or swimming pool. I miss having friends to hang around and do nothing with. I miss having places to go to just goof off for awhile and talk with people. It’s hard when you are barely making ends meet to even go out for a cup of coffee, much less think of other places people might be in walking distance of here. Going further than that takes a lot of time and quite a bit of planning here. You have no idea how I dream of being able to afford a car again, especially since moving here. Sadly our tv is broken, and there are a million other things that are even a higher priority for now when it comes to money and making sure the bills are paid. Hanging in here, don’t know how to do it any different.
Optimism is hard for me, the last few years especially, when it comes to dealing with the ongoing situation with my daughter. I’ve wanted nothing more than to have her home, and I make sure I tell her frequently. Unfortunately every time I thought there was a ghost of a chance of it actually happening, I’ve pretty much had my hopes dashed to pieces. 
When I didn’t know how our finances were going to change, the first thing I did was start trying to plan for Thor this winter. It’s hard enough to find little boys clothes around here on a good day, let alone coats or anything of that nature, so that was the first thing I went after, making sure he had two sizes worth of decent winter coats and footy pajamas to last him through winter this year. As long as he isn’t in a larger toddler size by spring I should hopefully have most of his clothes except pants covered for the winter. My friend Christie knitted him a nice warm hat, that thankfully he seems to love so far.
Worrying has always been a big issue for me. It gets better or worse depending on my present situation, and my frame of mind that day. My level of anxiety can also affect how optimistic I am at any given moment.
Maybe the events of the last week are still getting to me. I’ve been through quite a bit, an unexpected whirlwind out of state trip, my grandfather’s funeral, and dealing with even more things that were nowhere near my list of things I wanted to do anytime soon.
Metal Angel 