It always seems that the tears come back at the most unexpected of times. I was sitting here at the computer earlier, and had media player on random when the song "You Still Smile" by Deliverance popped up. Not many people would understand why I sat and cried without knowing the song. It wasn't only the song itself, which is very lovely and sad I might add, but also another memory I have connected to it. My ex is a rather well known vocalist in the christian metal genre of music. I remember one evening when he was home him putting that particular CD in the stereo and singing along with the track while hugging me and sort of dancing (not that either of us really dance..it was more rocking in place) Jimmy Brown is a mentor of his, and at times, they do tend to sound eerily alike anyway. So the next thing I know, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. Its just like I said in my post on valentines day:

 Even good memories can break your heart later, when the person connected to them is gone…

I've sat here today for a good portion of the afternoon and evening self editing some of the older blog entries I posted. I will admit when angry I still struggle with quite the case of pottymouth, so I've been trying to go back though and correct that. I think I'm discovering that there is a way to vent the exact same feelings without all of the cursing, more constructively you might say. I am going to try to do that from now on. Before I can expect anything to change, I guess I have to start with changing me.

I'm sure all of you are aware by now that I have had a difficult time of things the last few months. A two year relationship with someone I truly loved, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, ended in mid December when I discovered that he had been unfaithful. Though I would have forgiven and forgotten, he chose instead to end the relationship, choosing to move on with the girl he had the affair with.

I did import a lot of the entries from January into my blog today, along with this mornings post, as a way to remind myself, now that he is somewhat trying to get into my good graces again, just why I need to not allow myself to fall into that emotional trap. If I said I didn't still love him, I'd be a bold faced liar, a part of me always will. I cannot allow my feeling to over rule my better judgement, as badly as my heart really wants to. Just because I love him, does not mean this relationship is healthy for me. Even if he did return, he would never be faithful, so there would always be doubt. He would never have my trust again, without his parting words and actions in the back of my mind, that's no life to have with anyone. If he had ever really loved me, he could never have hurt me that way.

Part of me knows the only reason he keeps in contact is because he knows i still care. In all honesty I think he just wants me to fall back on as a temporary fix when things are going bad with Amy, or the other girls he his presently persuing. I know this because he never calls when things are going well for him, only when hes bored, and when hes gone weeks at a time without getting some. Sometimes i just wish he'd have rather not called at all. All it does is get me crying again, and keep him in the back of my mind. I don't know if i will ever be truly over him, but someday I hope so.