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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Monthly Archives: August 2013

Playing Ketchup?

18 Sunday Aug 2013

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts, Taterbug, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, children, disabled, family, ketchup, kids, life, marriage, NaNoWriMo, parenting, random, worry, writing

Yes I misspelled the title of today’s blog post on purpose…because I can.

Life still seems to be stuck in that same stressful holding pattern, of waiting for answers. It’s hard knowing things are out of your hands when it comes to what your family’s financial situation is going to be like for the foreseeable future. Sadly worry isn’t really getting me anywhere, or I’d be a millionaire from doing it by now.

It’s hard to find ideas for what to write about when I’m stressed. I remember a time when writing was my escape from it all. I wonder what’s changed?

I go days at a time without writing now, and then try to play catch up when I do write. Sometimes I may get interrupted half a dozen times trying to make one post by the baby, the hubby, or sometimes even the cat, thinking he needs to do the typing for me. I love my family, I really do, but sometimes I think that in order to get something resembling serious writing accomplished I am going to need to padlock myself in a room a few hours a day somewhere I don’t have the luxury of wi-fi.

One thing uncertainty has always given me is an urge to plan ahead. People who don’t know me are usually amazed at my ability to pack rat the necessities far ahead of when we need them. I’m not a hoarder, but I do believe in having some things set aside in advance of when you need them. You never know when there will be an unexpected emergency, or your kid will have a sudden overnight growth spurt.

When I didn’t know how our finances were going to change, the first thing I did was start trying to plan for Thor this winter. It’s hard enough to find little boys clothes around here on a good day, let alone coats or anything of that nature, so that was the first thing I went after, making sure he had two sizes worth of decent winter coats and footy pajamas to last him through winter this year. As long as he isn’t in a larger toddler size by spring I should hopefully have most of his clothes except pants covered for the winter. My friend Christie knitted him a nice warm hat, that thankfully he seems to love so far.

Boys jeans are proving to be harder than anything to find for some reason. Thor already wears a larger size in shirt than in pants anyway so “outfits” usually aren’t that good of an option unless the pieces can be worn separately. I really miss the old Garanimals section of the kids area of department stores, but none of the stores around here seem to carry them anymore.

The stores I have seen in my area are like a sea of little girls clothing, with hardly a rack of boys things in sight. This is precisely why when I actually run across decent boys clothing at yard sales, if I have the money, I clean the place out. Outside of underwear and shoes, I don’t think there’s much parents aren’t better off buying used for all the longer kids are going to wear it, well, unless it’s a nice outfit for a special occasion. The styles of girls clothing do tend to change frequently, but with boys, thankfully, people tend to stick with the classics, sports, trucks, dinosaurs, and super heroes, so they don’t seem to go out of fashion nearly as quickly.

It still puzzles me why people assume Thor is a girl, when I dress him up in tie dye though. I don’t get that at all …

People are just weird I guess…

Then again I’m rather odd myself, so I don’t know why any of that surprises me anymore. This post, like so many others is turning into a ramble, without that much of a central point. I guess I am writing just to write. I need to do more of that. It’s getting easier now that I’m finally doing it. Maybe that means if nothing else, at least this mission, for now, is accomplished.

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Happy Anniversary

09 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Aurora in Evil Wizard, Fun Stuff

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anniversary, family, hubby, marriage

I just wanted to make a post to wish my hubby John a very happy first wedding anniversary. I love you baby! Thanks for putting up with me 🙂

 

First annual Crabapple Awards

05 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Aurora in Fun Stuff

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

awards, blogging, fun, parenting, random, rants

crabappleaward

Some days ya just don’t wanna post…

Some days you feel a little crabby, but even if it’s only to rant, you post anyway..

These are the blogging awards for the rest of us!

Some of us would dearly love to be able to have those picture perfect parenting blogs full of happy smiling well behaved (who the heck do you think you are kidding?) children. I would love to be able to post mouth watering pics of my diet of mac and cheese and cereal, but after the first few bowls it gets kinda boring.

I won’t post a long questionnaire for recipients, but simply this:

1. Repost this pic on your blog

2. Rant a little about procrastination and life getting in the way etc.

3. Nominate 3 people who’s blogs you love, even on their not so sunny days.

My first round of recipients are:

Mommy Training Wheels

MomTimes4

Snoozing On The Sofa

I wish I could nominate everyone, but I’m trying to keep it short, sweet and not a huge ordeal like a lot of other awards to pass along.

Lost for optimism

05 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Evil Wizard, Rants, Taterbug

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

anxiety, depression, disability, disabled, family, kids, marriage, parenting, poverty, social security, worry

Does the universe give you more than you can handle?

I’ve been so scared and stressed out lately I’m not really sure where to turn. I know to really understand why, you all will need a bit of backstory, on me, and my family, or at least those who haven’t been following my blog for quite some time now will.

I have been disabled almost 15 years now. I also suffer from social anxiety disorder and PTSD. Trying to keep myself calm and optimistic isn’t easy even on a good day, but when I’m stressed out like this it’s nearly impossible. Thankfully I have a hubby who is wonderfully understanding when I’m having one of my bad days.

As some of you know my husband is severely hearing impaired, and has been since childhood. He first lost use of one ear, when he was only 12 or 13, but since his late 20s, he has also slowly been losing the use of the second ear also. Now he can only hear a little, and only with the help of a hearing aid, which we presently can’t afford, because the medical insurance we have will not pay for it.

After two years of trying, and waiting a year and a half for an appeal hearing with a disability judge, he was finally approved for SSDI. I wish this were the cause for joy it seemed to be at first, but unfortunately it may actually leave us further behind financially than what we already are.

See…there is thing thing they don’t like to tell people about called the “Marriage Penalty.”

Since he and I chose to get married last August, before our son was born, instead of just continuing to live together, there will be some penalties to our income, separately and collectively.

First of all…

Even though his new income will be lower than the income I was receiving, I will still lose 80% of my disability check, because his income counts against mine dollar for dollar. On top of that insult, we now have to pay $150 a month out of his for medicare as well, which leaves us even further behind than we were before. They also are telling me our benefits will not be high enough for our son to qualify for any dependent benefits of his own. And if that were not enough, we also discovered that any financial help relatives have given us over the last couple of years, to keep us from losing our home, also counts against us as income, which erases most of the back pay we would have received had they not helped us.

Please tell me…how are people supposed to survive all of this?

Basically what all of this means, is unless our circumstances change, my family and I will forever be doomed to a state of complete poverty. I honestly am not sure how to handle all of this, or what to do since I found out all of this. Since the meeting at social security on Friday, it’s all I can do not to cry. It’s hard to sleep because I can’t stop worrying about just what is going to happen to us.

Rent for even a modest one bedroom apartment in a bad part of town is even more than our entire income now. Will we always have to live with roommates? Are we going to be able to give our son all the things he needs now? I’m worrying myself sick here trying to think of what I can do to make it better. We can’t even apply for welfare, because it counts dollar for dollar against what we are already getting.

How is this a hand up? I don’t understand it…

Would it make sense to look into going back to school, when even people with degrees are working at retail jobs? How would it make sense to take out loans for classes I may not be able to get a job good enough to be able to repay? Some people would tell us to just start selling everything, but really we don’t own much. We have a lot of books, and furniture that came from yard sales. I really don’t think we have much anyone would really be interested in buying.

Why am I venting here? Probably because I don’t have anywhere else to vent to.

Every time I read articles about the poor and the disabled, people in the comments section write such cruel things. We are not lazy, we are not faking, we surely aren’t eating gourmet meals, and driving fancy cars. We don’t own a car at all. We don’t use drugs, we don’t drink, we don’t smoke, and we surely don’t waste our money at a casino or strip club. I hate being stereotyped, judged, and made a joke of.

Is it wrong of me to just want to be able to afford a home of my own, and not have to have my husband, son and I sleeping in one room of an over-crowded apartment? Is it wrong of me to want to be able to provide my son what he needs, even if I won’t be able to give him everything he wants? Is it wrong to wish I didn’t have to worry about the future, and what would happen to us if the rent goes up again, or an emergency came up that we have no way of paying for?

Optimism eludes me right now…

Worry just keeps my brain going in the same circles…

Out Of Time

04 Sunday Aug 2013

Posted by Aurora in My Writing, Writing

≈ Leave a comment

This story is in response to the Daily Prompt for August 4th, 2013

If only I could go back in time…

How many of us have ever uttered those self same words, and wished for the chance, to undo what in hindsight seems to be a chapter of our lives worth forgetting? Few have gotten the chance, until now, to re-order destiny. For a millennium we completely lacked the technology, but gaining technology, as advantageous as it was also caused us to lose something of our humanity along the way.

The changes that took place in the past of our ancestors were slow, and subtle enough that they seemed not to notice all the knowledge that they were losing. We now dwell in cities, because we have forgotten how to live in nature. Our food supplies are now automated and strictly controlled. Human beings rarely converse in person, but do so mostly from the comfort of their com screens. Families are no longer encouraged to live communally, and children are cared for by the department of education from birth onward. Once they are old enough to be tested, and sorted by skills and abilities, they are placed within the occupational community to begin their schooling. The entirety  of their education is tailored to their assigned career path, and does not deviate from it.

For over a century now this has continued without question. The resources we wanted were taken, the soldier caste ensuring our victory in obtaining valuable assets from other peoples when our own supplies dwindled. Unfortunately, we have reached a time when those resources are finally running out. The Earth itself is polluted beyond our domed cities, most of what what was once a great civilization lies in ruins, destroyed not only by wars, but from the misuse of our ancestors. Vast swathes of cropland are now barren, the water runs almost dry, and the sky is choked with dust and smoke, enveloping everything in an almost unbreathable fog.

Those in power do so by holding most in thrall, and under the ignorant impression that everything is as it should be. Most are not permitted to venture beyond the domed city unless they are of the soldier class, which is not permitted within the central dome, where the majority are housed. This keeps most citizens blissfully unaware of just how dire the situation is becoming. Our leaders have already been constructing a newer dome for themselves, and diverting much of what remains of precious resources there for their own use, once the situation reaches a critical point. The common citizens will then be left to fend for themselves.

I myself am of the most dangerous class of all in this present world. As scientists, we are both feared and needed. Our ability  to think and to reason unbridled makes us both an asset, and a liability to those in power. They fear the knowledge we possess, but all the same time, crave the technology only we are capable of creating, and maintaining. Only we, besides those in power, understand the exact gravity of the situation, and just how close to out of time we are to find a solution.

A decision was made a few years ago to look, in secret, for our own solution. Most of the known world beyond repair, we were forced to turn to manipulating time itself in a quest for definitive answers. Could this have been prevented, if so in what manner and by whom? How subtle or how big of a change would it take to send our ancestors down a different path?

We spent years pouring over what remained of the histories that had not been sanitized and rewritten to suit the elite agenda. It proved more difficult than even we had feared, and we ran into many dead ends along the way, but eventually there was progress.

At the root of the issue, there seemed to be the the matter of people giving up their liberty for safety. The technology they were sold  as a means of keeping them safe from enemies was instead used to keep tabs on citizens and to stifle descent and unpopular opinions. It was all begun so subtly that most were caught unaware, the programming having been begun from early childhood onward to simply accept what had been given them by the media. True creativity was stifled and eventually all but eliminated but for a chosen few permitted to indulge in it.

Tonight the portal lies before us, that we have fought for so long to keep in secret. It will spirit us away back to the time when the world seemed to be slipping toward this horrible destiny. I am not sure if we will be able to sway them from this path, but we feel a duty and obligation to try. Once through the portal, this lab, and all within it will destroy itself, and with it all record of what we have done here, in case we do not succeed.

Will we help them build a better world? Only time will tell…

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Amelia Greathouse

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We are limited only by our imagination

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It's all cute and fuzzy until one eats your brain.

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three little words that mean so much and cost nothing

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I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light...

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