It's been a crazy but otherwise boring week. i finally told him off on the phone, and he hasn't called back since. I can safely say so far not hearing his voice every day has made me feel a lot better. Maybe I was right, getting over him will be a lot easier if he isn't a part of my life at all.

My friend Johanna is recovering from surgery, and i'm really glad that even though she is in a lot of pain that she is a lot better now. You had me worried girl! Throught I'd send the angel you gave me when I was sad, and going through a tough time, right back to you. See, I didn't forget!

I still don't know quite where I am going from here. It still feels as if I have this huge hole in my life, that I'm praying someday, God is going to send the right person to fill. Its just that at times like this, it's hard to have faith that it will ever really happen.

Even though I know just as so many have told me that this is all probably for the best, at moments it still feels like the end of the world. It hurts to be convinced for so long that someone is the one, only to have that image and your heart completely shattered. If he wasn't the one I was dreaming of for all those years, I've begun to wonder if that person really is out there. If he is out there, I honestly don't know what he would want with a mixed up mess of a human being like me.

I hate being this short on money. Our grocery budget figured out to around $20 this week.(Well, actually $19 after I got done buying t.p.) I think I did ok for the ammount of money i had to spend. At least all the bills are paid. A few meals of ramen, and fried potatoes and eggs aren't going to kill us. (at least I hope not.)

I did have a pretty cool dream last night, even if it got a little scary at the end. It was really strange because in the dream it was like I was still a kid. I was out with friends, and we found this really awesome looking empty house. I can remember looking through the panes of glass on the enclosed front porch, and being able to see through into this really awesome looking back yard area, and wanted to see it. Well, my friends talked me into exploring the house, since the doors were unlocked and open. I looked through an upstairs room or two, and it was all just empty and dusty like you'd expect. the layout of the place was really neat though. the floors and railings were made out of hardwood and the staircase went up so far to a landing and then split I never did make it out back to that yard, because someone started yelling for me to come see something like they were afraid, and when I went downstairs and through the kitchen, i found a lit up room filled with dolls and stuffed animals. after I left the room, even though the house was empty, it was completely lit up inside. The last thing I remember about the dream was running outside because i thought we had been caught, but I got away.

I told you the dream was strange, but the house was way cool. its just too bad I can't draw that well. i really wish i could to show people some of the place I see in my dreams.

The gas company came out again today about the repairs we had to have done due to a gas leak. They apparently said there was no longer a leak, but something wasn't properly installed, so the guy had to come back out and fix the problem. The good news is its all taken care of and the gas company says everything is ok now.  That is such a relief, let me tell you. Follow that with discovering the drain under the kitchen sink was leaking and flooding the basement..fun fun..thats fixed as well.

Something odd has crossed my mind the last few days. This year is the first year since 1978 when i was 6 that i can ever remember seeing lightning in January. It has thunderstormed 5 days so far this month. This winter is nothing like anything I have ever seen. it was almost 60 degrees out the last 2 days. For January in Ohio this is unheard of.

The thunderstorm this morning has had me thinking a lot about the blizzard of 78. I was only 6 at the time, but I remember it pretty well. It's one of only 2 maybe 3 times in my life I've ever seen a thunder snowstorm, and the only other time I've ever seen lightning in January that I can recall. It's odd, because the weather we have had the last couple of days is eerily similar to the weather we had just before that blizzard hit, go figure. (Just an observation) I'm hoping mother nature doesn't plan a repeat performance. Late december and January has had some of the most messed up weather, theres no denying it.

I'm sure those of you who have visited know I have been going through a very difficult time this last month or so. I deleted the old files and moved my journal I hope as a way to leave the past behind just a little and start to move on. I know it would only be more difficult with reminders like my old journal staring at me every day. For my friends, please add me to your lists again, don't feel the need to hide me. I honestly don't care if he finds my new journal or not now. If he can't deal with my honesty, then he has issues of his own, within himself to deal with. All I can do now is write what I feel now without apology. I know I can't banish him from my mind, and pretend that he never existed, but, like so many of my online friends have reminded me, I can choose not to let what he has done control me any longer.

Whitney and I are fine. I finally got the pots and pans replaced yesterday. I made a big dinner last night. I guess out of habit I made too much. About half a dozen friends off of the net offered to come over and eat the leftovers LOL. Sorry, you are all too far away, and pork chops just don't e-mail well. It's so nice to be able to cook again after all this time of having to exist off of what I could make in the microwave. The next order of business is to save up enough money to replace my bed. The couch is comfortable, but it still isn't quite the same. It is however, better than the floor.