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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Tag Archives: loneliness

I never met one of my best friends

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by Aurora in Heavy Metal, In Hindsight, Metal, Music

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

depression, disability, Friendship, grief, Heavy Metal, loneliness, loss, Metal, Music

It all started with a wrong number…

It’s odd how I remember that, even after all this time. I’d missdialed one digit off my own home phone number trying to call home on an old rotary phone. Instead of hanging up on me, John, the guy on the other end of the line for some strange reason, asked my name and just kept talking to me as if I’d made his day just by calling at all. This was in the days before caller ID, and long before home internet was common, at least in the neck of the woods I was from. Unless I told him my last name, he had little chance of figuring out who I was. It was a lot more innocent a world than it is today. By the end of the phone call he made me promise to call back sometime and talk to him again. He also insisted that I was such a nice girl that he had to ask me to call his friend Billy. Once he told me a little about him, I couldn’t not call, at least to say hi like I’d promised John I would do.

I had no idea when I made that phone call that night, how much my world would be changed, by someone whose face I would never see. That first night when I called him I barely knew what to say, other than I knew John so and so, and he thought we should meet. One phone call turned into talking almost daily, about everything under the sun, and nothing. We loved the same kind of music, and a lot of the same shows. He was always happy to talk to me, he listened to me when I didn’t have a lot of of friends to turn to. It was only slowly over time that I became aware of why, the only time Billy backed away, was when I wanted to meet him in person. I didn’t know why until one night years later when he finally got the courage to explain.

Billy was born with spinabifida and other spinal birth defects that were complicated by his also having hemophilia. While in normal cases his condition would have been treatable enough with surgery to at least let him be mobile with a wheelchair, Billy could not have the surgery or he would have bled to death. He had been bedridden since early childhood due to complications of his condition. Just moving him wrong could cause internal bleeding if his family wasn’t careful. He told me the conditions that he lived with had stunted his growth and left his body deformed, even if his mind was completely unaffected. He’d spent most of his life in his bedroom, paralyzed and unable to feel anything from his chest down, with a radio, tv and a telephone as his only contact with the outside world. I was 16 or 17 when I began talking to him, and by then he was in his 30s.

Looking back I know he was afraid that if I saw him in person that I would stop being his friend, not that I could ever convince him otherwise. He used to laugh and tell me he looked like the hulk, and that he was all green and scaly. To this day I regret never going to see him, even though we lived a mere 3 miles apart in the very same town.

We stayed in touch for several years, even after I was old enough to be out on my own. His folks were both elderly by then but were still his sole caregivers. We lost touch after his father passed away from a heart attack suddenly, and Billy and his mom had to move in with his older sister in another town that was a toll call away. It almost felt as if a piece of my heart was ripped away when he went away, even if I only knew his voice on the other end of the telephone. I found out some time later that he’d passed away in his sleep only a short time after we lost touch.

I don’t know why I am thinking about him tonight after all this time, but I still miss him sometimes just as badly as I did the day he went away. There are still songs I can’t listen to without thinking of him, this one in particular. Billy always swore it was the best song ever written.

Hope you are thinking of me tonight my friend, I still miss you.

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Lacking Motivation

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Faith, In Hindsight, NaNoWriMo, Rants, Taterbug, winnifrog, Writing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anxiety, autism, family, kids, loneliness, motherhood, NaNoWriMo, partenting

Writing seems to have gone by the wayside for me yet again. It’s not all that unusual for me to do this now that the weather is warming up. Lots of people are doing the July round of Camp NaNoWriMo, but I haven’t signed up this time, because I know I have far too much going on in my life at the moment to really commit to it. Between Thor’s busy schedule, and starting physical therapy next week that is far overdue, I know my days are going to be full.

Now that the weather is nicer, I am trying to make more of an effort to get out of the house. This new house is actually fairly nice, but I still find myself wanting to run back the the old and familiar, especially when anxiety is getting the best of me. I go back and forth between loving and hating it here sometimes because of it. I think it’s mostly the nowhere to go, and no one to really talk to thing that’s getting to me. It’s hard trying to find a place to fit in here. I’m starting to wonder how long that is going to take, considering I didn’t make a single real friend in the 3 years we lived in the last place. I guess I should be more optimistic that maybe it will be different here. Maybe…

As you can tell by the photo, the little guy is getting tall, as in really tall. He’s 40 inches in height already and about 35 pounds. It looks like he is going to be tall and lanky just like his daddy. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I will be very happy if the weight issues I have always struggled with will pass him by. He is a good healthy eater though, and will pick veggies to eat over just about anything. Bell peppers and ground turkey sloppy joes are about his favorite things in the world right now.


I still haven’t gotten word about Whitney’s court date yet, but that’s mostly because there is paperwork to finish, and then a another big game of hurry up and wait, when it comes to getting a hearing arranged. I am hoping and praying that my ex decides to skip this hearing as he has so many others that have taken place over the years. He’s never really been that involved with her growing up, but he unfortunately is the sort of person that would be vindictive at the hearing just to spite me. If he can find an opening and a knife to twist in the wound he will do it. He is an ex for so many reasons I really don’t want to get into here.

I’m so nervous over this guardianship hearing it’s got me on eggshells. I’ve been waiting so many years for this day to come, that I am beside myself worrying that something is going to screw it up. If I can just get her home than all this hoping and praying, and pain of the these last 7 years will be worth it.

7 years without your baby girl, that’s a hell of a long time to lose, with anyone, much less a piece of your heart, that’s been ripped away, and kept just out of reach for far too long…

Time flies

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Faith, Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, On the news, Rants, Taterbug, Winnifrog

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

aging, anxiety, decorating, depression, family, home improvement, kids, loneliness, marriage, moms, motherhood, moving, parenting


Here it is December again, and a lot has been happening since I haven’t been tap-taping away at the keys. Some of it has been good, and some bad, but at least I can say that life lately is a bit different than the last time I wrote on this here blog.

My mother in law had a serious fall and has been in and out of the hospital yet again, and is presently in a rehabilitation nursing home trying to get back her strength so she can hopefully be home by Christmas. Thankfully nothing was broken, but no one knows what has been causing these weak spells she has been having. They seem to come on quickly, only to resolve themselves before anyone can find a cause. I really wish she would come and stay with us, but mom is stubborn and doesn’t want to leave her home, much less Indiana. If that news were not enough, we also found out the cancer my husband’s aunt had a few years ago has returned, and unfortunately it seems to be already at stage 4, and the doctors are unsure how much they will be able to do to help her. John seems to be taking that bit of news about as well as can be expected for now.

As overwhelming as the hard news lately has been, the good news is that the closing finally happened on the new house, even if moving cost way, way more than we had ever anticipated that it would. In fact, the movers ended up charging us around five hundred dollars more than their original estimate, so needless to say, the last couple of months have been kind of lean around here budget wise while we try to gather the things we will need for the new house. I guess I can’t expect miracles in that department overnight.

Christmas looks to be equally lean this year. I was able to get all of the kids at least a little something, but probably nothing like I know kids are usually hoping for. I hope my older kids will be happy with clothes, paperback books and homemade necklaces. Thor seems to be the easy one to shop for, board books and a see n say, and a little toy truck. I also picked up a used toddler bed for him to use whenever we have the money to get his room finished enough for him to move into.

Thor’s room was one of our not so nice surprises after we moved in here. Not only had someone started ripping the wallpaper down and didn’t bother finishing it, but sometime between the inspection on the house and the closing they had also taken the time to remove the light fixture in that bedroom, and so now we have to buy a new one and find someone to help us install it. We have the light fixture we want spotted, and know what color we are eventually going to paint the room once the work is done, getting it finished is mostly a matter of having the money to purchase the materials and help we will need to make it happen. Unfortunately those things just don’t come cheap nowadays.


I know we have many plans for what we would like to do with the new house in the coming months, but we know much of what we would like to do cannot happen overnight. All we can do is make a list of what we would like to have done, and try to figure out which things are a priority, and which of them would just be something that would eventually be nice to have. For the moment the first thing on the list is to get that light fixture replaced, and to get Thor’s room finished so the hubby and I can finally have some much needed privacy and more room to do our own room the way we would eventually like it to be.

For now the plan for Thor’s room is to paint it a nice pretty Tardis blue to begin with. Eventually when time and money allows the hubby will be painting murals of a nighttime forest with owls in the trees on his bedroom walls. The ceiling eventually will also have glow in the dark stars. Eventually… I’d just be happy getting his room painted and done enough for him to actually move into before spring. It’s all just a matter of too many plans and not enough money to do it all right now.

For now, even a month after moving in, we are still unpacking slowly but surely, and trying to get the house the way we want it to be. We are also slowly but surely trying to learn our way around this new town, and where to find the things we need. Not knowing anyone is really the hardest part of moving somewhere new. I am hoping that once the weather warms up a little and we get settled in, that we will be able to go out and meet some new people. So far the neighbors seem nice, but just like most places nowadays, most people pretty much seem to keep to themselves. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem to be nearly as easy to get to know anyone these days, maybe myself included. It doesn’t help that I’m rather shy around people I don’t know well, and I can tend to be quite a homebody.

For now we would like to wish you Blessed Holidays from our tiny town in middle of nowhere in Northwestern Pennsylvania. As for myself I will be trying to stay warm, and ride out the winter without turning into a mommysicile.

December has always been a hard time for me these last few years. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my dad passed away, and two years since I lost my lifelong friend Sandy. It’s hard not to curl up and have a good cry, but I know that’s not what either of them would have wanted. Maybe it’s ok to be sad, as long as I don’t forget all the good that is still here. Some days that is easier said than done.

Christmas Eve Thoughts

25 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by Aurora in Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Christmas, family, holidays, kids, loneliness, parenting

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

   – Erma Bombeck

Holidays are never easy, especially far away from a lot of the people I care for and nearly everything I have ever known for the longest portion of my life. I am not from Pennsylvania, where my husband and I presently live with our son. I am, however, originally from a rather small town in central Ohio, one I have lived in my entire childhood and all but a handful of years out of my adult life. Being here isn’t easy sometimes, especially at holidays. It’s lonely, and depressing, even when I keep trying to tell myself it shouldn’t be with John and Thor here with me.

The rest of my surviving family is all meeting at my grandma’s house this evening to open presents, eat ham salad sandwiches, and fight over the last black olive like we always did. This is our first Christmas without my grandfather. I didn’t make it there last year to see him, or bring him his gift before he passed away a week later. I still regret that.

What sort of things do I remember about Christmas?

Grandma and Grandpa always hung our stockings on the side of the stair rails, not the fireplace, they looked like santa bloomers for the girls, and santa overalls for the boys. Every year we had to line up behind our stockings to get a group picture taken before we could open them. We always got them last, after we had unwrapped the rest of the presents on Christmas Eve.

I remember the year my dad stepped outside with a shotgun, fired a shot into the air and said he’d shot Rudolph.

I remember the year I was 10 years old and my dad was out of work, and all we got for Christmas that year was a wiener dog puppy. Truthfully, a new dog was all we had really wanted anyway, after someone had poisoned our beautiful white German Shepherd the summer before. We named her Daisy Mae after the girl on Dukes Of Hazard. Best dog ever.

I remember going caroling one year with a group of kids from the church, and pestering the group leader for us to stop at Uncle Louie’s house so we could sing for him, even though he wasn’t on their list of stops. I think it may have been one of the last handful of times I got to see him before he passed. I miss Uncle Louie a lot, he was a kind and gentle person, with a great booming bass voice when he sang, and a whole back yard full of heirloom chickens.

I could keep listing, but right now it just isn’t helping. In a way it’s just making me feel even more lonely. Even good memories hurt sometimes. Cherish your friends and family, not only during the holidays but every day. You never know what a small oddball thing that seems meaningless now, will mean to your loved ones far into the future.

Thinking Turkey Thoughts

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Holiday Thoughts, Rants

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

depression, family, grandparents, holidays, kids, life, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, rants, thanksgiving, thoughts

 

Holidays aren’t easy for me. I know that statement will be hard to explain to some people. Life hasn’t been easy for a long time, years now, even decades. I was a child the last time I really have good memories to look back on, even related to holidays.

I know some people joke about wondering how long it will take during the holidays for the police to be called, but in my family it’s a distinct possibility. The last time I remember spending Christmas with my family two fights broke out, and that was just christmas eve. I haven’t eaten a thanksgiving dinner I haven’t cooked myself in so many years that I can’t even remember when the last one I ate with my family was. I do however remember it was horrible and not much worth writing about food wise.

Being just me and my oldest daughter for years on the holidays, I never did the whole big turkey and all that, not that I ever could have afforded to anyway. Usually Thanksgiving for us meant pork chops and stuffing with mashed potatoes at home, and eating in front of the tv still in our pajamas. It was always just the two of us, or at least on most years.

Last year I think I made a half-effort at making a little bit of turkey, but not a whole one. It came out mostly ok, even if the veggies ended up a shriveled mess and not exactly edible. Cue this year’s second attempt, which I will be trying in a crock pot instead of the oven, because the oven will be occupied by my roommate’s god awful tofurkey. Just the thought of tofurkey makes me shudder with revulsion.

Holidays are hard, and the funk they leave me in is hard to shake myself from. All I usually end up thinking of is how much I envy people with close and loving families, and how I’d give almost anything to be part of a family like that. Yes, I have a husband and kids, and memories to build there, but thinking of the past and the mess that is the rest of my family, still hurts to no end, and probably always will. I see how it is even affecting my kids now and it upsets me so badly I could scream. Three generations of this family have been completely ruined by all this dysfunction and drama my mother and aunt just can’t seem to bury the hatchet over.

I really hope someone brings my grandmother dinner tomorrow, I would if I had a car, and weren’t so far away. I hate the thought of her sitting in that house all alone, especially with this being the first Thanksgiving that my grandfather has been gone. I worry a lot for her now, but there’s only so much I can do living an entire state away. The rest of the family is too busy not speaking to one another to really care I think, as they have been every year for who knows how long. All I can do is call grandma tomorrow, and at least let her know she hasn’t been forgotten.

Turkey is all well and good, but what I’d really love to have someday is a family that acts like a family, at least long enough to make it through dinner.

Am I wrong to just keep wishing?

 

Winter blues and my little sunshine

05 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by Aurora in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Rants, Taterbug

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

depression, family, isolation, kids, life, loneliness, marriage, parenting, winter

Cabin fever really gets to me. I have never been a fan of winter to begin with, at least not the cold part of winter that follows the holidays. I think I would be happiest if it would stay about 60-70 degrees out year round, sadly I don’t think a place like that exists, or I’d have already found a way to move there.

I know nowadays not many people know the joys of standing around at a cold bus stop, or trying to push a stroller through the snow, but that’s what it takes to get anywhere around here. This town is also very hilly, and sometimes I worry about a runaway stroller like in the old black and white movies if I don’t hang on tight enough.

I’ve heard stories about how winters used to be. I remember some pretty wild winters back when I was a kid, with blizzards with snow drifts as high as the second story. I remember seeing our white German shepherd jump off the porch to go potty, and my dad having a devil of a time finding her to dig her out of where the snow had swallowed her.

I remember the first year my oldest daughter and I moved back into the little cottage and that blizzard hit. We were quite literally snowed into our single story house, and seeing as someone had stolen my shovel, I had to dig us out with a koolaid pitcher, and trudge through hip deep snow to the neighbors house to borrow one.

Why are hard times so much harder to get over in the winter? Is it because we are stuck inside most of the time, and it’s so much harder to get out and take a simple walk to clear your mind? People stay close to home, and it’s hard to make friends, or find anyone to talk to.

It would be nice to find something to do here, and places to go. It would be nice to have friends I could talk to somewhere every day other than on a computer screen. It’s hard to start over somewhere where you don’t know anyone, when making new friends has never been your strong suit to begin with.

I do spend plenty of time with my little tye-dyed ball of sunshine, but I know John and I both could really use more adults to talk to than each other. I really long for the days when saying hi to someone got you more than a suspicious glare. It didn’t used to be like this. Sometimes I still wish the world hadn’t changed so much.

Still pushing buttons after all these years…

03 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Aurora in Random Thoughts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

breakups, heartache, loneliness, regret, relationships, sadness, thoughts

How can love be one of your greatest strengths, and one of your worst weaknesses all at the same time? I am speaking of love in the double edged sense, that brings as much pain and sadness as it does happiness. What you thought that you wished for, only brings emptiness and more unanswered questions when it’s gone again.

I don’t know how he still manages to get to me, and why I cannot turn him away even when I should. I don’t know why I still care and still love him, when seeing him only shatters my heart to a thousand pieces all over again. Even after all this time, I suppose I miss things as they used to be, in a time before relationships, and all the drama that came with them, when he was my best friend, and we would talk and laugh for hours, and tell each other everything. Life got in the way, it wasn’t all his fault, any more than it was mine.

I have some regrets for things that have happened as of late, things that cannot be undone, things that must just be accepted for what they now are. I can only blame my heart again, a heart that wants so badly to show him a love I know deep inside that he will never be able to truly return. I can only let him go as far as he chooses to leave, hoping that one day he will finally let me slip away into distant memory, as much as I know it will break my heart again to see it happen. Until he lets go of the heartstrings I am bound by, each time he pulls me back close again, it just reopens all those wounds, that I hoped, and someday hope again will finally heal.

Be careful what you wish for…

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