Tag Archives: poverty

Emotional Rollercoaster

23 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Faith, In Hindsight, Rants, Taterbug, Writing

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Life has surely had its ups and downs the last couple of months here. We’ve jumped through so many hoops, sometimes I wonder how much more jumping I have left in me. Being this stressed is exhausting. It’s easy for others to tell you not to worry, when they really have no idea what you are going through. Sometimes I wish people would do a little less telling me not to worry, and just ask me what it is they can do to help. Life would be so much easier.

We are still looking for a new place to live, and for a short while, we thought we had found what seemed the near-perfect place for us. It was a nice house in a very small town an hour to the north of where we live now. John’s mom was going to help us get the down payment to be able to buy it, and I thought things were finally looking up.

That was until, lo and behold, and out of state buyer swooped in at the last moment, and outbid our offer by several thousand dollars.

Needless to say I was crushed and still am. Now I guess it is back to the drawing board. The realtor says she has more homes she can show us, but in our price range, the selection is kind of limited. Part of me is almost afraid to get my hopes up, but I want us to have a nice home of our own so badly. Rents are way out of league around here, buying seems like our only option if we have a prayer of affording anything. Rent on a comparable house would be four times as much as the mortgage payment would be, at the very least.

I just want a stable place to call home. I want somewhere for Thor to grow up, and not worry him over having to move every few years. I want to be able to paint walls a color that isn’t white or beige, and hang as many pictures as I darn well please. Now that my older kids are grown, in a few years I want something their kids will be able to call grandma and grandpa’s house, somewhere they can run back and forth in and jump up and down on the floor in without driving the downstairs neighbors insane.

Maybe it’s all just too much to ask for, but I have to keep trying. Hopefully when next week comes, there will be better news.

Meanwhile the little guy is growing like a weed and into everything. He keeps me smiling even when it seems like the job of trying to keep up with him never ends. He is almost frighteningly smart nowadays. He already knows how to do basic things not only on our cell phone, but also on the computer. He can open iTunes and play his favorite music, which I think he recognizes by the album cover pictures. He also already uses about a dozen different words , with some of his most consistent ones being: up, spoon, hi, no, and of course the word, owl. He still can’t seem to get enough of owls, which have been his favorite animal since he was only a few weeks old, but which are now having to share a special place in his heart with cats, especially his now much beloved stuffed cat named Tygie.

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Tygie is the first toy that I can say, Thor picked out all by himself. He takes him almost anywhere and everywhere now, at least around the house. We try to make sure he leaves him at home when we have somewhere to go, because we are a little afraid of the cat getting lost. Thor would be devastated if that happened. He won’t go to sleep at nap time or at bedtime without him.

As you can see, orange cats are by far his favorite, I think because they look like our real live cats. The kitty here in the photo with Tygie is our oldest cat, who unfortunately came to us already with the name Boobies. He is quite an old man now, at 19 years old, and is very well loved, if slightly afraid of our son when he’s being noisy and moving too quickly near him. Thankfully Thor is getting much better about being gentle with the cats, and doesn’t pull tails nearly as often as he used to.

I am unsure what else to write about at this time. It’s hard to write, let alone be creative when your mind seems so busy with every day worries that seem so overwhelming. Writing used to be an escape, but nowadays it seems impossible when life seems this overwhelming. I am hoping to some day soon to at least have something good to write about here, instead of all this seemingly endless venting of the day’s issues.

Even if it is with much ranting and complaining, I always seem to keep moving, somehow…

 

 

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It’s *bleeping* cold outside!

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Complaint Department, Rants

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This is the second day here with below 0 temperatures. Needless to say we haven’t left the house. (except for when John took the trash out to the curb, just in case by some miracle they do decide to collect it in the morning) It is a little boring here with not much to do but the internet, and frustrating dealing with a stir crazy baby who very badly wants his daily bye bye, and doesn’t understand why he can’t have it.

I’m also frustrated with not being able to work on my novel. It isn’t a matter of lacking ideas this time, but more just not having quiet time to work on it before I’m too exhausted at night to think clearly. My computer unfortunately sits in the middle of the living room in front of the fireplace mantel, the only place in the whole apartment there was room to put it. It’s good that I have a desk, and a computer, but it makes it extremely difficult to work without distraction when I am stuck out here right in the middle of it all.

Before I would always write when my daughter was in school, and my desk was usually set up in my bedroom, or off in a quiet room away from the main room. I don’t work well with noise or with people moving around nearby, and especially don’t work well with people peering over my shoulder.

I miss having a laptop to work on, at least then I’d have the possibility of going in my room and shutting the door for awhile, even if trying to work from bed hurts my back something awful after awhile. Then again, I know what would happen. I’d get settled in, and finally be making progress, and BAM…they’d just follow me in there.

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to hold on until spring. Our search for a new apartment is still going dismally. Even applying anywhere is expensive, and we recently lost $120 in application fees only to be turned down yet again, even with my mother in law willing to co-sign.

Staying positive is really hard right now. It’s especially hard when you can’t even get something basic like an affordable place for your family to live. I worry about even the rent here going up to more than we can afford even with the roommate. My nerves are wound so tight I’m barely sleeping sometimes, and when I do I’m getting a lot of nightmares. I haven’t been able to eat properly in months now for a lot of the same reasons.

I wish I had a way of knowing that it would all be alright, but I don’t. I’m doing what I can but no one is going to beat a path to our door to help us. It’s no wonder that so many disabled people end up on the streets. If you are under 62 years old, there is no help with housing available, period, end of story. If the waiting list for help isn’t closed, it is over 10 years long.

It’s hard to write here without complaining, mainly because this is the only place in the world I have to vent.

I can’t wave a magic wand and make myself well, or John not deaf anymore, so what hope is there of our situation getting better short of a miracle? I wish I knew, I really wish I knew.

The smallest always lose the most

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Complaint Department, Rants

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I have a lot of worries on my mind the last couple of days, but also a lot of frustration and anger, when it comes to the current state of American politics. I could give two hoots less about the national parks, or the fact that Joe office worker with a nice cushy government job might get a few days or weeks of staying at home and twiddling his thumbs. What has me angry, scared and ready to pull my hair out for their astounding sheer idiocy the most?

The government shutdown is shutting down the WIC program. Talk about hitting our most vulnerable citizens where it hurts the most.

For those of you unfamiliar with WIC let me summarize: Wic is a federally funded program that provides infant formula and basic nutritious foods to low income children age 5 and under, and expectant mothers. Unlike food stamps, only approved foods in set amounts can be purchased with WIC vouchers. Not all people who receive WIC get food stamps, as the income guidelines to qualify are very different. The help WIC provides can make a tremendous difference to struggling families. Unlike foods provided by food pantries, the foods WIC provides are perishable staple foods such as infant formula, baby food (fruits and veggies)cows milk, cheese, cereal, eggs, juice and a small amount of fresh vegetables every month.

The children WIC provides help to are too small to qualify for free school lunches, and do not have that option. Food pantries usually do not stock infant formula, because the WIC program is usually able to provide it. If the shutdown goes on, older children will be able to adapt much easier than infants, who depend on formula and are not old enough to be table fed exclusively. In the present situation infants will be the most vulnerable citizens of all, when there is absolutely no reason it should come to this.

It frustrates me how the news media is decrying the closure of the national parks more than this valuable and life changing program being stripped of its funding. Bears will crap in the woods whether a few tourists are there to watch them or not, and the memorials will be there when the crisis is over.

I hope that those of you who have the means to, would consider donating some infant formula to food banks and other charities that feed the hungry right here at home, where we need it the most at this time, until the idiocy in Washington resolves itself. Many families are presently hanging by the thread trying to stay above water, and provide for their children, and programs like WIC make all the difference. I should know, my family is one of them.

Kids are going hungry right here in this country…

Kids go to bed every night that way more than you think…

As a nation, we should be ashamed of that!

Hope and the pessimist

18 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Rants

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I know I’ve talked a lot here the last couple of years about our housing situation, and why it is driving me crazy. We’ve been stuck here in this apartment for the last two years now, living with my husband’s ex-girlfriend for a roommate no less. Our apartment search this entire time has been one huge disappointment after another. We are being priced right out of even thinking of getting our own apartment, even in a not so great neighborhood.

There isn’t as much of a safety net for the disabled as a lot of people seem to think there is in this country now. Waiting lists for public housing are over a decade long if they are open at all, and most low income housing that exists, is set aside specifically for the elderly. My husband and I will not qualify to live in one of those places for quite some time yet.

The fact remains that the so called “fair market” rate for a two bedroom apartment is over 900 a month in this area. This is more than my entire income, and not much less than what my husband and I make combined. Think about it, that’s just rent, not heating the place, or keeping the lights on. It’s amazing how some people have the impression that the disabled are living so high on the hog, when we can’t even afford even a small apartment of our own to live in.

The worst part about looking for an apartment here are what places like to call “application fees.” Most housing in this area is owned by out of town investment companies, who hire locals to “manage” the properties for them. Most of these companies not only charge high rents, but want upwards of $150 dollars per adult in the household just to apply to live there, this fee is non-refundable if they reject your application. They also want the last 6 months worth of pay stubs, to see your tax returns for the last 3 years, a credit check and a federal background check just to be considered. Even if we don’t have to worry about our credit or income…who can really afford all those fees?

My husband thinks the reason he’s seen so many apartments listed for so long, is because these landlords are making more money not renting the place, and just rejecting people’s applications than they would actually renting the apartment. I mean think about it, if you get 10 applicants a week at $150 a pop,for an apartment that rents for 800, you’ve come out further ahead to let the place sit empty don’t you think?

Someone recently told us getting a mortgage right now is actually easier than getting an apartment because of that, so we have decided to try it. A mortgage does seem to be very much cheaper than rents here, our monthly payments would be only about a third of what it would cost to rent a comparable house in the same kind of neighborhood. The question is, can two disabled people even get a mortgage? Are they going to look at our meager income and not even give us the time of day?

All I know is I really don’t want to spend another year here, walking on eggshells in my own home, dealing with someone who’s not only his ex, but someone who’s mere outlook on everything from politics to family values, happens to be nearly polar opposite to my own. I don’t want to deal with someone who refuses to budge an inch on letting us have the third bedroom, when we pay 2/3 of everything here. My son having his own room will soon be more important than her having her “office” and a place to store all that extra junk she can’t squeeze into her already packed tight bedroom. I can’t stand the fact that she thinks it’s okay to smoke in here, when there’s a baby in the house, and she thinks it’s good enough that she just shuts her bedroom door. The smoke still travels, I can still smell it. We have an outside balcony for that, for pete’s sake, it won’t kill her to use it.

I want to be hopeful here, but it’s hard. Life right now just seems like a lot of jumping through one hoop after another, just to get further behind than when we began. When being here is so hard that I wan’t to pack my son up sometimes and move back where I came from, where things are awful but at least affordable, there is a problem.

All I know is that at least if nothing else, but for my peace of mind, by the end of the year, I want to be far away from here. I don’t care if we are in our own home having bought a place, or we have picked up and moved somewhere entirely new. I can’t take another year of the same old situation, and the same old worries. Something has to change for anything to get better, it has to.

Lost for optimism

05 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by in Complaint Department, Evil Wizard, Rants, Taterbug

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Does the universe give you more than you can handle?

I’ve been so scared and stressed out lately I’m not really sure where to turn. I know to really understand why, you all will need a bit of backstory, on me, and my family, or at least those who haven’t been following my blog for quite some time now will.

I have been disabled almost 15 years now. I also suffer from social anxiety disorder and PTSD. Trying to keep myself calm and optimistic isn’t easy even on a good day, but when I’m stressed out like this it’s nearly impossible. Thankfully I have a hubby who is wonderfully understanding when I’m having one of my bad days.

As some of you know my husband is severely hearing impaired, and has been since childhood. He first lost use of one ear, when he was only 12 or 13, but since his late 20s, he has also slowly been losing the use of the second ear also. Now he can only hear a little, and only with the help of a hearing aid, which we presently can’t afford, because the medical insurance we have will not pay for it.

After two years of trying, and waiting a year and a half for an appeal hearing with a disability judge, he was finally approved for SSDI. I wish this were the cause for joy it seemed to be at first, but unfortunately it may actually leave us further behind financially than what we already are.

See…there is thing thing they don’t like to tell people about called the “Marriage Penalty.”

Since he and I chose to get married last August, before our son was born, instead of just continuing to live together, there will be some penalties to our income, separately and collectively.

First of all…

Even though his new income will be lower than the income I was receiving, I will still lose 80% of my disability check, because his income counts against mine dollar for dollar. On top of that insult, we now have to pay $150 a month out of his for medicare as well, which leaves us even further behind than we were before. They also are telling me our benefits will not be high enough for our son to qualify for any dependent benefits of his own. And if that were not enough, we also discovered that any financial help relatives have given us over the last couple of years, to keep us from losing our home, also counts against us as income, which erases most of the back pay we would have received had they not helped us.

Please tell me…how are people supposed to survive all of this?

Basically what all of this means, is unless our circumstances change, my family and I will forever be doomed to a state of complete poverty. I honestly am not sure how to handle all of this, or what to do since I found out all of this. Since the meeting at social security on Friday, it’s all I can do not to cry. It’s hard to sleep because I can’t stop worrying about just what is going to happen to us.

Rent for even a modest one bedroom apartment in a bad part of town is even more than our entire income now. Will we always have to live with roommates? Are we going to be able to give our son all the things he needs now? I’m worrying myself sick here trying to think of what I can do to make it better. We can’t even apply for welfare, because it counts dollar for dollar against what we are already getting.

How is this a hand up? I don’t understand it…

Would it make sense to look into going back to school, when even people with degrees are working at retail jobs? How would it make sense to take out loans for classes I may not be able to get a job good enough to be able to repay? Some people would tell us to just start selling everything, but really we don’t own much. We have a lot of books, and furniture that came from yard sales. I really don’t think we have much anyone would really be interested in buying.

Why am I venting here? Probably because I don’t have anywhere else to vent to.

Every time I read articles about the poor and the disabled, people in the comments section write such cruel things. We are not lazy, we are not faking, we surely aren’t eating gourmet meals, and driving fancy cars. We don’t own a car at all. We don’t use drugs, we don’t drink, we don’t smoke, and we surely don’t waste our money at a casino or strip club. I hate being stereotyped, judged, and made a joke of.

Is it wrong of me to just want to be able to afford a home of my own, and not have to have my husband, son and I sleeping in one room of an over-crowded apartment? Is it wrong of me to want to be able to provide my son what he needs, even if I won’t be able to give him everything he wants? Is it wrong to wish I didn’t have to worry about the future, and what would happen to us if the rent goes up again, or an emergency came up that we have no way of paying for?

Optimism eludes me right now…

Worry just keeps my brain going in the same circles…