Monthly Archives: January 2013

Feeling Imperfect

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Rants, Taterbug, Writing

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My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

Self confidence has never been my strong suit. I spend so much time second guessing myself, and asking myself what if. This is something I have dealt with for a long time now. I don’t have as many rough patches as I used to, but some days are easier than others for me.

For a long time there things were going so well, and I was finally happy and things really seemed to be looking up. All it took to turn things on its head for me was a whole lot of horrible things in a very short amount of time. In a matter of months I lost almost everything I owned in a break in, and also lost my aunt, my father and a childhood best friend. In the last year alone I’ve also lost another aunt, a mentor who was like a second mother to me, and my grandfather, not to mention our beautiful white kitty.

There have also been many good things that have happened that have made it all easier, like getting married to my wonderful loving husband, and the birth of our beautiful little boy. I know I have a lot in my life that is good, so I don’t understand why I’m not floating on cloud nine. No, I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel nearly as happy and optimistic as it seems I should be.

My son is the thing that by far makes me the most happy. He smiles and I can’t help but smile with him. He laughs and I forget everything else but him. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s the most amazing thing. I don’t know what I would do without him. Even when I’m tired and I grumble and complain, he makes everything completely worth it for just one of those smiles.

It’s just that sometimes I wish I could do better for him. I don’t have much money, and making it paycheck to paycheck is a huge worry for us. With John unable to find work and my small income all we have for the moment, money is always a huge worry. I do the best I can, and try to stay ahead on the things that I can.

Maybe my packratish tendencies make me a little crazy, but I’m always trying to keep diapers, clothes and formula at least a bit ahead of when we need it. I’ve gone without enough in my life, that I don’t ever want to take the chance on my son ever needing something and it not being there. I’m always buying clothes a size or two ahead of what he is wearing, and putting them away for him to wear later.

I guess I still have so many people’s voices in the back of my head, the ones that always reminded me of just how imperfect I was. Why isn’t the house spotless? Why don’t I have a job making tons of money? Why am I a size 18 instead of a size 4? Does any of that really matter?

I try the best I can to be a good person. I have never set out to hurt anyone, well, at least not without being provoked or backed into a corner first. I write books that no one reads, that I’ve all but given up on finishing, because even the people closest to me don’t seem to want to bother to give looking at them a second thought. It’s hard to want to keep writing these stories when you’re the only person who is ever going to know anything about them.

Maybe someday I’ll find my way back to optimism. I seem to have misplaced it somehow in the shuffle of one thing after another. Maybe when the smoke clears, life will go back to something resembling normal. Maybe we will have reason to hope and not so much reason to worry. Keeping my fingers crossed.

28 Monday Jan 2013

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Just missing my dad. He’s been gone a little over a year now, but at times it all seems like yesterday. This is a piece I wrote about a simple day in our lives in happier times, back when I seemed to be able to find the humor in things. Maybe, just maybe I will be able to write like this again someday.

Metal Angel

     I think men have a genetic thing against shopping. It doesn't matter where you go, my father believes it is a total waste of time to browse for anything. The minute you walk in, he expects you to go straight in, get what he thinks you need and leave directly for the checkout counter.

     I got tired of sitting here in the dark, so finally yesterday morning I decided to go to Big Lots shopping for lamps. Dad did walk around the funiature portion, where most of the lamps are located, telling me how he thought anything over $15 for a lamp was totally rediculous. The only lamp I would dream of putting into my house for under this price was a lamp, with a base that had statues of deer. It isn't as tacky as it probably sounds. We are now calling it a bambi lamp and putting…

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Let it snow…

25 Friday Jan 2013

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The snow really is coming down out there today, so today Thor and I have been at home, hanging out on the sofa and trying to stay warm.

The last couple of days were a different story, with appointments, and being out on this ungodly cold we have had here the last few days. We bundled him up good, and tried not to stay out in the weather any longer than we had to between stops. I was still really glad to get home, and spend the rest of the evening snuggled under the comforter I keep on the sofa.

They’re calling for several inches of snow here by morning, but I don’t plan to go too much of anywhere, so that’s just fine with me. Thor seems to be really hungry today, a lot more hungry than he usually would be. I wonder if this means that he is about to hit yet another growth spurt soon. It may be a good thing that I am putting back clothes for him at least a size ahead, he surely doesn’t seem to stay in one size for very long at all. The sleepers that we bought him at Christmas that were so big are now fitting, and some of them are already a little small.

On other good news, John said we may be able to get the new sewing machine this weekend. Baby allowing, maybe I will be able to start making some things within the next couple of weeks. I think that would be really fun to do again, even if it’s been a long time since I’ve sewn anything. I used to do it quite a bit when my older kids were younger. I never made anything really fancy, just play clothes for them, and little costume pieces, like the cowboy vest I made for my older son when he was only about six or seven years old.

Someday I would love to get good enough at sewing to make some nicer things, but nothing like that comes without practice, and the only way to do it is to get moving on it. Sure I will have to wait awhile to be able to get out to get some supplies, but that is doable. We don’t have the big box stores near where I live, and I don’t really like shopping at them anyway if I have any other options. Maybe if I look into things I will find a smaller mom and pop type sewing store that is easier to get to. I really hope so, I really don’t like shopping at chain stores any more often than I have to.

Who knows, maybe having something to do for the rest of winter at home will break up some of the monotony around here, and give me something to do on days like today when the weather is not so nice out. Having something constructive to do usually does do a lot to lighten my mood.

Cookie Monster Cutie

20 Sunday Jan 2013

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Some pictures are just to cute to pass up taking. Thor seems to recognize cookie monster from the youtube video of his favorite song. I spotted the stufty while I was out at my doctor’s appointment in the hospital gift shop and couldn’t resist getting it for him. He really seems to like cookie’s soft fur and keeps rubbing his cheek up against him. He seems to be made from the same soft fabric they make those silky furry pillows from.

At the moment the Taterbug is in his swing, and I am hoping it keeps him entertained long enough for me to get a couple of small things done. I have no illusions that he will tolerate being there for long, he usually doesn’t unless he manages to fall asleep there.

John just came in for a minute before heading back off to the laundromat so of course the baby is going to get upset all over again once he goes back.

sigh…

And right on cue…

Sleepy kind of day

20 Sunday Jan 2013

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It’s been a sleepy kind of day around here. Not much has gone on, but a lot of snuggling with a little one on the sofa and watching videos.

The day began ambitiously enough. We had planned a trip to the library, and the grocery store, but in the end we decided to just spend the day in. John did the shopping later on in the evening after we managed to get the baby down for a good nap, and he did sleep most of the time he was gone.

The trick to getting Thor down for a nap is literally for me to sit and hold him the entire time he sleeps. Nothing will wake him up faster than trying to lay him down to sleep in his bassinet. This has always been the case with most babies I have known, all you have to do to make them wide awake is try to tuck them in to bed.

I’ve been thinking some more about things I would like to be doing, especially once Thor gets old enough where letting him play in the playpen for awhile won’t be such an issue. I have often thought of taking up sewing again, or maybe learning to knit. Both are things I could do here around the house, and maybe if I got to be any good, maybe make a little bit of money at eventually.

What I would really like to be able to do eventually is go back to school, at least a class or two at a time. As much as I like being here at home to watch the baby grow up, being a stay at home wife and mom doesn’t keep my brain very busy. I would like to learn some new things, and meet some new people, and school would at least get me out of the house and around others for a few hours a week.

I do keep meaning to make friends here, but between being rather shy and a bit socially awkward, and the fact that I really haven’t been here long, I don’t know where to begin. We do have one good friend here who lives about half an hour away, but we don’t get to hang out much, as he is usually rather busy. It’s hard to know where to begin looking to get to know people. It doesn’t seem as easy nowadays as it once was. Most people seem to keep to themselves for the most part, not just here but everywhere. I’ll admit, we are much the same. John and I are both homebodies, but we aren’t unfriendly.

Maybe I write so much of whats going on in my mind here, cause outside of the hubby I’m a bit lacking for adult conversation. I miss familiar places and having friends to hang around and do nothing with, even if I haven’t had that in a really long time. Don’t get me wrong, John is really good company, but just as he has things of his own to do, I need things of my own to do as well.

The question is…what?

Morning comes way too early

19 Saturday Jan 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Random Thoughts, Taterbug

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Morning comes way too early some days, and this was one of them. I had the alarm set for 6:30, but I think I woke up about 5 to check on the baby and never did get back to sleep after that. I usually wouldn’t get up that early, but an 8:30 doctors appointment was all that was available without waiting a couple of weeks, so I took it.

I almost didn’t make it there on time, because the cab didn’t show up until over a half hour after I’d asked to be picked up. I’ll remember to schedule one for even earlier next time if I have to take one in the early morning again just in case. The boys were still snoozing good when I left, but were awake by the time I got home.

Even with a nap after I got home I am still feeling tired, and a bit headachy from the early morning. I’ll be happy when it’s time for our eye doctors appointment in a couple of weeks and I can finally get some new glasses. I don’t think these glasses are doing very well anymore since the baby was born, and I’m having some issues with eye strain. Then again, I hate having to finally admit that I do need the glasses all the time now. I can’t read a thing without them anymore.

John says they are calling for several days of snow coming up, but I’m not too worried about it until we have to go out in it Monday and Wednesday. Well really I can stay home and skip Monday if I really wanted to, seeing as that appointment is for John, but I would go along for moral support if he wanted me to. Besides I like going up to Bellevue and walking around looking at things in the shops up there, even if I really don’t have the money to be doing much shopping.

For the moment Thor is contentedly playing in his pack and play. He loves to just lay in there and wiggle and kick at times while he looks at the pooh bear toys that are on the toy bar above him. He chews on his fingers, and sometimes tries to stuff his whole fist in his mouth. Maybe that means that he will be cutting teeth soon. He seems to be doing everything else a little early, so I don’t see why he shouldn’t get some teeth a bit sooner than usual too.

As for me, baby allowing, I am going to take a nice hot shower and try to call it an early night tonight after I get done with a few things I still need to do. If I hadn’t already committed to doing something online with friends this evening, I think I would be in bed already snoring.

Tomorrow I am sleeping in…well…if the baby lets me.

I wanna kitty

18 Friday Jan 2013

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Yes I know we already have two cats. I love them dearly. These cats are actually my husband’s cats that he has had for years, and they let me know it. I know it seems silly, but having these cats is still not the same as having a cat of my own.

Having lost my own cat, and the cat of his I got along best of all within the last year has made me really sad. Life is always better with cats around. Both the cats we have left are quite elderly, and I would like my son to have a kitty around that he can grow up with and have for years to come. It makes me sad that the cats we have now will probably both be gone by the time he’s school age.

I don’t want a fancy pedigree cat, and I would love to have a rescue cat. Some of the best cats I have ever had were ones I had taken in as strays. I’ve been watching the humane society site on and off waiting for the right time. The hard part of it all is going to be convincing the hubby. I think he’s hoping as time goes on that I’ll forget about it.

nope…

I wanna kitty!

Baby super glue

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

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The men in my life are not morning people

It’s another lazy winter day around here today. Thor still seems to be well into the clingy phase, which isn’t making getting housework done easy. He insists on having John and I both where he can see us at all times, or at least one of us.

John has noticed and pointed out something to me, that I never considered before. Thor tends to get upset if he sees you leave, but seems to take being separated better if you leave without him seeing you do it. We have no idea why this is so, or why he doesn’t seem to be dealing well with being left in a safe place like his crib or bassinet while we are working on housework across the room or just the next room over. One of us almost has to be holding him for the other to get anything done.

My older two children never really had this issue that I am aware of, but my youngest daughter did to a degree. Doing housework with her usually involved putting her in a snugli, or doing it while her father was available to keep her distracted.

We are hoping that this is just a phase that will pass as he gets a little older. Sometimes we don’t know whether it is better to let him cry it out or appease him. I know the parenting classes we took before he was born say that it is impossible to spoil a child at his age, but at the same time we don’t want him to become so overly attached to us that he doesn’t learn to calm himself at all.

Mostly I don’t understand the separation anxiety, other than the fact that he’s still too little to know that when we step away a moment that we are going to come back. He’s never been left alone even in his crib more than a few moments unless he’s been sound asleep, and even while he sleeps we are there in the same room with him in our own bed.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have been able to figure all this out by now, with him being the youngest of four. All I have learned is that every child is different. Sure, some things are a little easier, and I have quite a bit more patience than when my older children were small. They are all now grown, except for one teen that doesn’t live at home. It’s been strange to be suddenly starting all over again, just when the nest was emptying, but truth be told I’m really enjoying it.

I have my moment where I’m stressed out, and he’s crying, and nothing seems to be working, but I still wouldn’t trade anything for those baby smiles, and those little giggles he’s just started giving. I’m tired and worn out but every morning I still can’t wait to see those beautiful dark blue eyes, and those chubby cheeks.

For now the house is clean, but the clutter remains, toys, blankets and a host of other things we can’t seem to find a place for. Our basement is getting fuller, our closets runneth over…