Category Archives: Boredom

Writer’s block

15 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Creative Writing, Daily Drivel, Escape From Reality, My Writing, NaNoWriMo, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts, Technical Difficulties, Writing

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Yes this has been me as of late, well, minus the viking helmet. As much of a plan as I may have for one story or another, the words and sometimes the motivation seems to evaporate before I get it written down on paper.

When did writing become so hard? I remember a time when I was young and it used to be so easy. I used to have a million ideas, and I would wake up in the middle of the night and write all sorts of things that couldn’t wait until morning. I guess I have no idea where my enthusiasm went, probably drowned out by my now adult life, and my seemingly never ending ungodly stress level.

Sometimes I worry my writing won’t be good enough. No one close to me ever seems to want to read it anymore, not that they ever read it to begin with. I’ve had a printed copy of my second novel sitting here on the book shelf and year and a half now, and even my hubby hasn’t given it so much as a second glance.

Several years ago my friend Penny would have been standing next to my printer with her hands out waiting for the next chapter. She died from cancer a few years ago, and finishing a project since then is so much harder, especially without my one person fan club, and her encouragement. That’s one of only a very long list of things I still miss about her, and always will.

Penny didn’t just passively read what I had written, but loved to give me her input, encouraging things she believed would make what I had written even better. I think all of us need that sometimes. We need to hear not only what needs fixing, and what we can do to make improvements, but also what is good and going right. In other words, this is what works, and these are the things that would make it even better.

Sometimes I get so caught up in believing it all has to be perfect the first time, that it completely stops my momentum. I get discouraged believing no one will ever want to read it, no matter how much love and hard work I put into telling the story. I ask myself what I do it all for.

The answer is, it’s because I have to…

If the story doesn’t get told, it is wasted. What good are all the infinite worlds inside your head, if you are the only one that ever journeys into them? I keep trying to remind myself of these things, and keep edging forward, even if baby steps. I don’t want to believe I have an irretrievable imagination. Even if the old ideas won’t return, or seem childish now through older eyes, I hope I haven’t ceased to invent new ideas, new universes, and those that reside in them.

I don’t think my mind would be happy at all, limited to just one world.

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When it rains it pours

07 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, NaNoWriMo, Rants

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So far I am not doing well this year for Camp NaNoWriMo, at least not where word count is concerned. I think my personal life is conspiring against me to keep me from getting much of anything done. Isn’t that usually how it works?

I have only one chapter of my novel written so far, but at least I am semi-happy with it. I have an idea of where the story needs to go for a change, but my biggest thing is finding the time to actually sit down and put words on paper. It wouldn’t be such an issue if there weren’t so many important things that were pressing in my life right now. Doctors need to be seen, appointments need to be kept, and babies need to be tended to, even if it means you are too exhausted to write a coherent sentence once you have them to sleep.

You don’t need to see the screen or the keyboard, the cat believes looking at him is infinitely more interesting…

Sorry no updates until now, pardon me while I return to fighting the cat for custody of my keyboard. You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog surfing.

A captive audience

11 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, Evil Wizard, Music, Rants, Taterbug

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Oh dear lord, someone give me earplugs…

No, seriously…

It’s time for my husband’s weekly internet radio broadcast. While I usually like a lot of what he plays, this week is a definite stinkbomb. I don’t know who this band or singer is but I wish this droning, off key, monotone, barritone would stop already. Ick! Someone make it stop. But nope I still have another hour left to listen to it.

Help!..

On a lighter note, the weather here was beautiful today. We put the baby in the stroller and took a nice long walk. We did discover that short of the Giant Eagle here, absolutely nothing seems to be open on a Sunday afternoon. Then again they tend to roll up the sidewalks on our and of town around 6 or 7 in the evening during the week, so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

John insisted on hanging a bunch of tapestries on the wall of the bedroom today. The longer we are married, the more I realize I’ve married a hippie. John is anything but normal, but really that’s one of the things I like about him, even if parts of his not so normalness do kinda get to me sometimes. I am sure I am no picnic to be married to on some days either. I think one of the reasons we do get along so well, is that we both are willing to just let each other be our weird little selves. Even if some things about him drive me batty, I’m still really really happy that my hubby is anything but normal.

If the men from my past were normal, I will gladly take my weirdo hippie any day of the week..!

And the music drones on, and here I sit a captive audience…

*Headdesk*

New day, new theme and color tv

27 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Fun Stuff, Taterbug

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Welcome to my new and hopefully improved blog. Yes it is hard letting go of the tye dye, but this one is so much easier on my poor eyes when it comes to reading. I’m sure I am not the only one who finds the white backgrounds on most of the blog templates to be downright blinding sometimes.

I’ve always had very light sensitive eyes, and am not  a fan of really brightly sunny days because of it. I have to keep dark sunglasses on just to function when there isn’t enough cloud cover. Bright snowy winter days are the worst, and snow blindness isn’t fun.

So now you all know the main reason for the switch, not to mention, I really think this new theme looks nifty 🙂

The family and I had a long day out today up to Bellevue. We visited the eye doctor to see what is up wonky with my new glasses, and I have to go back tomorrow to have them rechecked. We visited the library book sale and picked up some new books, which is always enjoyable. All the rain we had today did put a little bit of a damper on it, but fortunately the bonnet on Thor’s stroller kept him nice and dry.

John and I are both firm believers in keeping lots of books around, and our son will never have a shortage of things to read. We probably have a few thousand books in this apartment already, and we are slowly building up a children’s book collection with him in mind. More books and little or no tv for him is definitely our plan when it comes to raising him.

Hopefully it will work out well that way. I’ve seen far too many kids who spend way too much time with the electronic babysitter for my comfort. It’s not to say I am against letting kids watch tv at all, but I do believe in letting them watch it in limited amounts. I am also a firm believer that their tv viewing should be limited to shows with educational value or other redeeming qualities. Most kids shows nowadays seem to be materialistic utter nonsense.

There isn’t even much my husband and I find worth watching anymore, outside of maybe Mythbusters and some good documentaries and britcoms on PBS. We no longer even keep cable, and just buy seasons of shows we like on itunes, or stream them online. About the only thing we miss about cable is Food Network, and we subscribe to the magazine so that’s almost just as good, and far easier to refer back to without having to set a DVR. (which I would have no clue how to do anyway, but that is another story for another day…)

Packages

22 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Fun Stuff, Random Tangents, Taterbug

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We seem to have gotten a lot of packages in the mail today that were waiting for us at our PO box. We rarely if ever have anything shipped directly to the house, mostly because we don’t want things walking off of our porch if we aren’t home when the mail arrives to get them right away. Ah the joys of living in the big city.

One of these packages was actually for me for a change, it contained a very much needed lightweight jacket. I have been lacking one since fall, since mine somehow vanished in the process of being prepped for the c-section back in October. This means I now have a jacket and a really hippieish looking multicolored sweater that I can wear now when its chilly out, but not cold. Yay!

Thor’s box of new stuff is always the biggest of the boxes. Today he got a new set of baby dishes with Pooh Bear on them, a cookie jar that looks like our beloved cat Poly, and last but not least, he got a new book!

One of the first things I did after opening the box was sit down to read the book, and it is a wonderfully adorable story about a kitty who loves his peace and quiet, almost as much as he loves his human. I can see this easily becoming a storytime favorite of ours. The story is simple enough for a little one to understand, but still a book even a small child learning to read on their own would love I think.

Thor turns four months old in a couple of days, and everyone knows what that means right? Cereal! I am gonna have to get pictures of this when it happens, but I still wanna double check with the doctor that it’s ok to start him on it first. That should be fun…

What I thought I wanted to be

21 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Writing

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I make myself sound like such an old fart when I talk about the past, even though I’ve barely cracked middle age. A lot of things in this world have surely changed, and it seems they are changing more and faster every day. I don’t know when the things of this world got as “disposable” as people nowadays seem to believe that they are. Life didn’t seem to be like that in another time that I remember. Maybe that’s just another thing that’s changed.

I can remember being a small kid, and now I look back on everything I always thought I wanted to be, and what seemed to be important then. I don’t ever remember a time when I didn’t want to grow up and be a mom. I used to dream of being a famous singer, or a famous writer. I guess I still do dream of the singer and writer part, but sadly anymore you have a snowballs chance of getting to sing unless you are a size 0, barely outta high school and have the “look” the record execs are looking for.

When did I kinda give up on my dreams? Maybe it was as I got a little older and teachers and other people told me that only the most beautiful and the best deserved to do those things. I don’t know why I let them make me feel so unworthy, but I did, and to this day I still struggle with it. Maybe it was when my mom told me that if I couldn’t make a living at it, it wasn’t worth doing and I would be an idiot for trying. Dreaming was going to get me nowhere in life. That stung, those words still hurt.

Today I only sing with the radio, and as many awards and compliments as I’ve ever gotten for my singing, I’m still so self-conscious that my husband has heard me sing only once in the almost two years we’ve been together. As much as I dream of singing, I know no band out there wants a 40 something slightly overweight soccer mom at the mic. Maybe I have to accept that dream is one who’s time has passed.

Writing is something I still dabble with, but I’ve somewhat almost given up on as well. I’ve written 3 complete novels and several partial ones now, but no one seems to want to read anything I’ve written. My mom still believes it’s a waste of time, and my husband only seems to beat around the bush and come up with reasons not to when I ask him. It almost feels pointless sometimes to write all these things if no one will ever read them. Why do I keep doing it? Maybe because I have to. Maybe getting everything down on “paper” is the only way I know to let out everything I can’t say otherwise.

Maybe what I thought I wanted to be is still who I want to be after all.

The sky is falling

17 Sunday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Random Tangents, Taterbug

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It’s been an interesting last few days in the news. There’s nothing like rocks raining down from the sky to remind you of just how not in control of the universe you are. People being sick around here hasn’t done much for my sense of control or my confidence in things going remotely according to plan either.

John’s illness went from a bad cold to pneumonia, which thankfully he’s already finished the medicine for, and he seems to be improving even if slowly. The baby now has a cold, but so far seems to be doing ok. I am hoping I am not going to come down with this, and maybe this is just them catching the cold I had a couple of weeks ago. I am not holding my breath on this though. I really really don’t want another cold when I just got rid of the other.

Having to be the one doing all the shopping and errands is wearing me out badly. Thankfully the baby seems to be in fairly good spirits even with his cold, so that makes things easier than they could be otherwise. I would like to sit down and eat something resembling a full meal, or at least one that consists of more than a glass of milk, or a few bites of hummus or cottage cheese. I have no idea why, but the thought of green beans with butter and salt sounds so completely lovely right now. I must be delusional.

On the other hand…I could really use a fried egg sandwich with grape jelly too. Who’s bringing the waffles?

Worry

10 Sunday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Chipmunk, Evil Wizard, Taterbug, Winnifrog

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Worrying has always been a big issue for me. It gets better or worse depending on my present situation, and my frame of mind that day. My level of anxiety can also affect how optimistic I am at any given moment.

I worry over many different things. One of the things I worry over the most is money. Will John and I have enough money to keep a roof over our heads, and get our son the things that he needs? Will I be able to afford all the things we are going to need down the road? Will we ever be able to live in a home of our own without a roommate?

I also worry about my kids frequently. Is My daughter Whitney doing alight there in Ohio on her own? Where is Alexa, and will I ever get to see her again? Is Thor healthy and growing like he should? I will admit I worry every time I put him down to sleep at night. I must wake up half a dozen times some nights to check on him. I say the same prayer for him every night, sometimes several times a night, even if I don’t pray much about anything else anymore.

Sometimes I worry about staying healthy, and being around for my kids down the road. My older two kids are adults, but one is still a teen, and my youngest son is still just a small baby. I hope to live long enough to see him grow up. It know that is a worry because I am so much older now than before.

I worry about my husband and his health problems. What will happen if he loses what little is left of his hearing? What if his vision gets worse? What happens if he spends another two years unemployed, and he’s turned down for disability all over again? I can’t keep us afloat financially alone forever. I know he’s trying his best, and none of this is his fault.

I should be doing things to make the situation better. I have novels that need to be edited and rewritten, but it’s hard to want to work on it all when I’m this stressed out. Stress isn’t exactly conducive to creativity, at least not where I am concerned. It’s hard to concentrate, when all I can think about is how worried I am about it all.

I wish I knew how not to worry, or at least how to not let it get the better of me. Some days I just want to sit and cry about it all, other days I’m grumpy, and sometimes both at once. It would help if I knew that eventually it would all be alright, but I don’t. No one can promise me that, so the worry remains, it never goes away.

Winter blues and my little sunshine

05 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Rants, Taterbug

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Cabin fever really gets to me. I have never been a fan of winter to begin with, at least not the cold part of winter that follows the holidays. I think I would be happiest if it would stay about 60-70 degrees out year round, sadly I don’t think a place like that exists, or I’d have already found a way to move there.

I know nowadays not many people know the joys of standing around at a cold bus stop, or trying to push a stroller through the snow, but that’s what it takes to get anywhere around here. This town is also very hilly, and sometimes I worry about a runaway stroller like in the old black and white movies if I don’t hang on tight enough.

I’ve heard stories about how winters used to be. I remember some pretty wild winters back when I was a kid, with blizzards with snow drifts as high as the second story. I remember seeing our white German shepherd jump off the porch to go potty, and my dad having a devil of a time finding her to dig her out of where the snow had swallowed her.

I remember the first year my oldest daughter and I moved back into the little cottage and that blizzard hit. We were quite literally snowed into our single story house, and seeing as someone had stolen my shovel, I had to dig us out with a koolaid pitcher, and trudge through hip deep snow to the neighbors house to borrow one.

Why are hard times so much harder to get over in the winter? Is it because we are stuck inside most of the time, and it’s so much harder to get out and take a simple walk to clear your mind? People stay close to home, and it’s hard to make friends, or find anyone to talk to.

It would be nice to find something to do here, and places to go. It would be nice to have friends I could talk to somewhere every day other than on a computer screen. It’s hard to start over somewhere where you don’t know anyone, when making new friends has never been your strong suit to begin with.

I do spend plenty of time with my little tye-dyed ball of sunshine, but I know John and I both could really use more adults to talk to than each other. I really long for the days when saying hi to someone got you more than a suspicious glare. It didn’t used to be like this. Sometimes I still wish the world hadn’t changed so much.

Feeling Imperfect

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Rants, Taterbug, Writing

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My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

Self confidence has never been my strong suit. I spend so much time second guessing myself, and asking myself what if. This is something I have dealt with for a long time now. I don’t have as many rough patches as I used to, but some days are easier than others for me.

For a long time there things were going so well, and I was finally happy and things really seemed to be looking up. All it took to turn things on its head for me was a whole lot of horrible things in a very short amount of time. In a matter of months I lost almost everything I owned in a break in, and also lost my aunt, my father and a childhood best friend. In the last year alone I’ve also lost another aunt, a mentor who was like a second mother to me, and my grandfather, not to mention our beautiful white kitty.

There have also been many good things that have happened that have made it all easier, like getting married to my wonderful loving husband, and the birth of our beautiful little boy. I know I have a lot in my life that is good, so I don’t understand why I’m not floating on cloud nine. No, I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel nearly as happy and optimistic as it seems I should be.

My son is the thing that by far makes me the most happy. He smiles and I can’t help but smile with him. He laughs and I forget everything else but him. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s the most amazing thing. I don’t know what I would do without him. Even when I’m tired and I grumble and complain, he makes everything completely worth it for just one of those smiles.

It’s just that sometimes I wish I could do better for him. I don’t have much money, and making it paycheck to paycheck is a huge worry for us. With John unable to find work and my small income all we have for the moment, money is always a huge worry. I do the best I can, and try to stay ahead on the things that I can.

Maybe my packratish tendencies make me a little crazy, but I’m always trying to keep diapers, clothes and formula at least a bit ahead of when we need it. I’ve gone without enough in my life, that I don’t ever want to take the chance on my son ever needing something and it not being there. I’m always buying clothes a size or two ahead of what he is wearing, and putting them away for him to wear later.

I guess I still have so many people’s voices in the back of my head, the ones that always reminded me of just how imperfect I was. Why isn’t the house spotless? Why don’t I have a job making tons of money? Why am I a size 18 instead of a size 4? Does any of that really matter?

I try the best I can to be a good person. I have never set out to hurt anyone, well, at least not without being provoked or backed into a corner first. I write books that no one reads, that I’ve all but given up on finishing, because even the people closest to me don’t seem to want to bother to give looking at them a second thought. It’s hard to want to keep writing these stories when you’re the only person who is ever going to know anything about them.

Maybe someday I’ll find my way back to optimism. I seem to have misplaced it somehow in the shuffle of one thing after another. Maybe when the smoke clears, life will go back to something resembling normal. Maybe we will have reason to hope and not so much reason to worry. Keeping my fingers crossed.