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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Category Archives: Technical Difficulties

Busy Summer

21 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Rants, Taterbug, Technical Difficulties

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, depression, family, health, illness, kids, marriage, mister rogers, motherhood, moving, parenting, pittsburgh, summer

Yes I know, I haven’t been around to post much of anything lately. The blog has been far from my mind most of the summer this year, because there has been so much going on offline.

For starters there has been a little progress on our housing situation. For now we are still right in the same apartment we have been in all along, sans roommate. Unfortunately, this means even more behind financially than we were before, even if things are a lot more peaceful, or as peaceful as things can be with a wound up toddler in the house. Hopefully within the next month we will be able to close on the house my mother in law has been buying for us to rent from her. Even as I write this, I am still thinking of the events of these last couple of weeks, especially thankful, because it all came very close to never being able to happen at all.

We first went to see this house back in June, after having been outbid at the last second on another, something that had me crying my eyes out for days, I must admit. I had really loved that house, I mean REALLY. I guess looking back now, if it would have really been meant to be our house, that wouldn’t have happened. After a few days we went back to the drawing board, and started looking for something else, and a few weeks later the realtor had a house to show us that had just been put on the market, so we went up to look at it.

I was trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time, even as I walked through what turned out to be an absolutely gorgeous house. We talked it over not long, before my mother in law decided to make an offer on it, before we even left the town where the house is located that afternoon. After that began the very very long process of trying to get everything finalized with the bank. The bank is being slower than molasses in a snowstorm.  I realize that banks are more cautious about who they give home loans to nowadays but I think this bank is taking the cake on how many verifications they claim they need. They even made mom file the paperwork all over again, because it had been over 6 months since she had first applied for the mortgage, even though it’s because of their being slow, not anything we haven’t done.

All along I have been hoping and praying that nothing would derail all this, and that we would finally be in a home we could afford, and have a little room to breathe. Imagine if you will our horror last month when we saw a mysterious phone call from my husband’s uncle on our caller ID. Most people wouldn’t consider this unusual, except for the fact that he never ever calls us. Unable to reach John’s mom, we called the number back, and got no answer. By this time we were really freaking out.

It wasn’t until an hour or so later that we finally got a phone call explaining to us what was going on and confirming at least some of our fears. John’s mom had suffered a massive heart attack early that morning, but in true Mama style, hadn’t wanted to worry us. She had already gone through surgery, and had forbidden anyone to call us, because she wanted us to hear about what had happened from her. She has since been released from the hospital and so far seems to be doing better, even if the doctors say she may need another surgery in the coming months, to prevent her heart from having further problems, just as a precautionary measure. This whole heart attack thing came completely out of the blue, Mama had no known history of heart disease, and up until this point had been reasonably spry even for being 82.

Ever since all this happened, I have been on pins and needles over this, and so many other things. It’s not just because I am worried about mom, or that I know just how close we came to our dream over this house suddenly not happening. I know as well as John does, if something had happened to her, we’d be homeless and on the street in a matter of weeks, with nowhere to go. Part of me is going to be scared to death over all this until the keys to the house are in my hand, and we’ve finished moving in. Is it wrong of me to just want a stable place for Thor to grow up, where we can afford to live without mom having to help us cover our bills for the month? Like it or not, we just can’t afford to live where we are living now much longer. We’re sinking fast here.

For now all we can do is stay busy, and do the best we can, about the things we can control, lord knows there is more than enough that we have no control over lately. We can’t make this bank thing go any faster, any more than we can make money we need all too badly appear out of thin air.

Thor enjoys walks, so we take him on a lot of walks, and trips to the park, one thing that at least for now, is an activity we can do within walking distance of the house that won’t make us break the bank trying to afford bus fare. He loves to take actual walks around the block in the evening now, and not just stroller rides. Of course, we have a harness for him, to make sure he stays safe, while it lets him walk all on his own, just the way he likes it. That would be the little turtle backpack looking thing you may have already seen in the photos posted here. Believe it or not, he really does enjoy wearing it, and actually gets excited about putting it on, because he knows when he does, it means he has a bye bye coming.

His favorite thing on trips to the park, or on walks is to find himself a nice stick to carry around with him. Occasionally he stops, and tries to draw on the ground using said stick. Sometimes I wish I could still be as thrilled about the little things as he often seems to be. Sometimes, watching him, I can almost remember what it was like to be small, and have every day be such an adventure. I try to remember some of the things that used to make me happy. Thor now loves many of those same things, even if he is very different, and loves things that are quite uniquely his own style. Maybe someday I’ll once again get as excited about Mister Rogers, sticks and empty laundry baskets. Well, I still do love Mister Rogers as much as I always have , so I guess one of of three ain’t bad.

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Writer’s block

15 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by Aurora in Boredom, Creative Writing, Daily Drivel, Escape From Reality, My Writing, NaNoWriMo, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts, Technical Difficulties, Writing

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Boredom, imagination, NaNoWriMo, writer's block, writing

Yes this has been me as of late, well, minus the viking helmet. As much of a plan as I may have for one story or another, the words and sometimes the motivation seems to evaporate before I get it written down on paper.

When did writing become so hard? I remember a time when I was young and it used to be so easy. I used to have a million ideas, and I would wake up in the middle of the night and write all sorts of things that couldn’t wait until morning. I guess I have no idea where my enthusiasm went, probably drowned out by my now adult life, and my seemingly never ending ungodly stress level.

Sometimes I worry my writing won’t be good enough. No one close to me ever seems to want to read it anymore, not that they ever read it to begin with. I’ve had a printed copy of my second novel sitting here on the book shelf and year and a half now, and even my hubby hasn’t given it so much as a second glance.

Several years ago my friend Penny would have been standing next to my printer with her hands out waiting for the next chapter. She died from cancer a few years ago, and finishing a project since then is so much harder, especially without my one person fan club, and her encouragement. That’s one of only a very long list of things I still miss about her, and always will.

Penny didn’t just passively read what I had written, but loved to give me her input, encouraging things she believed would make what I had written even better. I think all of us need that sometimes. We need to hear not only what needs fixing, and what we can do to make improvements, but also what is good and going right. In other words, this is what works, and these are the things that would make it even better.

Sometimes I get so caught up in believing it all has to be perfect the first time, that it completely stops my momentum. I get discouraged believing no one will ever want to read it, no matter how much love and hard work I put into telling the story. I ask myself what I do it all for.

The answer is, it’s because I have to…

If the story doesn’t get told, it is wasted. What good are all the infinite worlds inside your head, if you are the only one that ever journeys into them? I keep trying to remind myself of these things, and keep edging forward, even if baby steps. I don’t want to believe I have an irretrievable imagination. Even if the old ideas won’t return, or seem childish now through older eyes, I hope I haven’t ceased to invent new ideas, new universes, and those that reside in them.

I don’t think my mind would be happy at all, limited to just one world.

Under the weather

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Rants, Taterbug, Technical Difficulties

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

family, illness, kids, life, marriage, parenting, sick

I haven’t written much these last few days because the hubby has been down sick. At first we thought he just had a bad cold, but after a week of being sick already, he suddenly began running a fever after not having one before. After a trip to the hospital Sunday morning he was diagnosed with pneumonia. The only good news is the doctor thinks he most likely isn’t contagious. With a baby in the house this is excellent news.

Thor has of course been quite clingy and grumpy through all of this. I know he probably knows something has been wrong with his daddy even if he isn’t old enough to understand what it is. After two days of antibiotics John is already doing much better, and hopefully he will be over it soon. I just hope no one else comes down sick.

It’s definitely been hard being the one having to do all the running around here. I had to do all the errands yesterday, and the grocery shopping. It normally wouldn’t be much of an issue if you owned a vehicle, but we don’t. The grocery store is just over a quarter mile away, and while the walk down there isn’t bad, the way home from there is all up a very big hill. The climb up isn’t bad empty handed, but with a few bags of groceries it’s exhausting. I know when I have done it in the past I have to stop every block just to catch my breath and rest.

I’m sitting here enjoying a moment of quiet while the baby is in the swing and entertained for the time being. I feel exhausted. I don’t sleep well by myself, and John has been camped out the last several nights on the sofa because its easier for him to sleep sitting all propped up. Hopefully if the baby allows I will be able to catch a nap later. I am not holding my breath.

Very Odd

01 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Rants, Technical Difficulties

≈ Leave a comment

I just logged in to find that somehow the theme of my blog had been switched. I know I didn’t change it, and something like that has never happened before that I am aware of. Good news is, it is all fixed now. Maybe it’s time for a password change…

Baby super glue

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Random Thoughts, Taterbug, Technical Difficulties

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

babies, family, housework, life, motherhood, parenting, SAHM

The men in my life are not morning people

It’s another lazy winter day around here today. Thor still seems to be well into the clingy phase, which isn’t making getting housework done easy. He insists on having John and I both where he can see us at all times, or at least one of us.

John has noticed and pointed out something to me, that I never considered before. Thor tends to get upset if he sees you leave, but seems to take being separated better if you leave without him seeing you do it. We have no idea why this is so, or why he doesn’t seem to be dealing well with being left in a safe place like his crib or bassinet while we are working on housework across the room or just the next room over. One of us almost has to be holding him for the other to get anything done.

My older two children never really had this issue that I am aware of, but my youngest daughter did to a degree. Doing housework with her usually involved putting her in a snugli, or doing it while her father was available to keep her distracted.

We are hoping that this is just a phase that will pass as he gets a little older. Sometimes we don’t know whether it is better to let him cry it out or appease him. I know the parenting classes we took before he was born say that it is impossible to spoil a child at his age, but at the same time we don’t want him to become so overly attached to us that he doesn’t learn to calm himself at all.

Mostly I don’t understand the separation anxiety, other than the fact that he’s still too little to know that when we step away a moment that we are going to come back. He’s never been left alone even in his crib more than a few moments unless he’s been sound asleep, and even while he sleeps we are there in the same room with him in our own bed.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have been able to figure all this out by now, with him being the youngest of four. All I have learned is that every child is different. Sure, some things are a little easier, and I have quite a bit more patience than when my older children were small. They are all now grown, except for one teen that doesn’t live at home. It’s been strange to be suddenly starting all over again, just when the nest was emptying, but truth be told I’m really enjoying it.

I have my moment where I’m stressed out, and he’s crying, and nothing seems to be working, but I still wouldn’t trade anything for those baby smiles, and those little giggles he’s just started giving. I’m tired and worn out but every morning I still can’t wait to see those beautiful dark blue eyes, and those chubby cheeks.

For now the house is clean, but the clutter remains, toys, blankets and a host of other things we can’t seem to find a place for. Our basement is getting fuller, our closets runneth over…

Life in no-net land

27 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Rants, Technical Difficulties, Utter Randomness

≈ Leave a comment

I never realized just how dependent I have become on the internet until the net was down all week, like it has been and likely will be for another 6-8 days. Not only do I feel out of touch with the world around me, I feel like I’m missing out on talking with friends. I’ve become so accustomed to having news at my fingertips, people to converse with almost instantly when I want to talk to them, all the addictive online games and yadda yadda.

Suddenly the line goes dead and its almost a mystery what to do with yourself. What did we do in a time before the internet and computers? Suddenly it seems I am in the middle of a struggle for thinking of other ways to keep myself entertained.

Theres always been reading, but even plowing my way through a novel a day has been leaving me bored mid-evening once I’ve run out of pages. Music is still the same old music I’ve had on my Zune for the last who knows whatever. The same DVDs you’ve watched a thousand times just aren’t nearly is appealing. I want my Youtube!

Free library wi-fi helps, but only goes so far. There’s only so much you can do, the connection is slow, and they have you net-nannied to death there. For now it is working in a pinch for the simple daily things, even if it crawls at a snails pace, and its crowded and noisy here. Forget all illusions you may have of the library being a nice and quiet place to surf the web.

I’m still looking at it possibly being as late as the end of next week before I get the net at the house repaired and up and running. I should not be such a baby about all of this, but I am spoiled now and I want my internet.

When it rains it pours

19 Sunday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Holiday Thoughts, Rants, Technical Difficulties, Utter Randomness

≈ 2 Comments

I think I’ve started and scrapped this post about half a dozen times trying to get my thoughts together. So much is going on right now that I don’t know how to handle, much less how I am going to cope with it all. Holidays have not been easy for me in a long time, and this year especially.

I started off this week being upset over the fact that I’m broke, as in too broke to get the kids presents broke, will be lucky to eat for the rest of the month broke. There’s no tree this year, I don’t even feel like having one honestly. I wish I could say this was the extent of what’s eating me this year, but it isn’t.

Three days ago we got the news that my dad has been diagnosed with liver cancer. We will find out after Wednesday just how advanced the cancer is, and what if anything they can do for him. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but most of the research I’ve done into the kind of cancer he has does not look promising, we will be fortunate if he makes it a few months to a year.

My parents are older, and somehow it seems I should have been prepared for this, but somehow at the same time, it seems as though they will always be there. I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want mom or dad to do it either. As much as I want to fall apart I’m wondering how much more I can cry this year before it never stops.

Stuck…

15 Friday Jan 2010

Posted by Aurora in Boredom, Complaint Department, Creative Writing, Daily Drivel, My Writing, NaNoWriMo, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts, Randomness, Rants, Technical Difficulties

≈ Leave a comment

I’m suffering from a bad case of writer’s block again, and have written only about 3/4 of a chapter in the last week. Part of the reason this is going so slow I believe is the fact that I never have had a plan for where Sorrow’s Moon is going as far as plot, let alone ever had one in mind for how it would end.

There are as always infinite possibilities when it comes to an ending on any story. I do not think that a Pollyanna, happily ever after type ending will suit the story, but neither do I want to leave the characters any worse off or messed up in the head than they already are. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a cast of characters with so many issues as this bunch started off this novel with. It hasn’t been the easiest story to get out of my head at all.

Maybe its best if I leave this one sit for now at the end of chapter 27, and leave Eric and Devin to live their own lives in my mind for awhile, before I try to peek back in on them after awhile. I know I should probably be writing something else while I am waiting for that to happen, so I’m open to suggestions. Yes I know this leaves three novels floating in various stages of completion. Three completed, three still floating, hopefully someday my batting average will improve I hope.

Another windy December

09 Wednesday Dec 2009

Posted by Aurora in Boredom, Creative Writing, Daily Drivel, My Writing, NaNoWriMo, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts, Randomness, Technical Difficulties

≈ 1 Comment

It seems it gets dark earlier each day lately, and the wind is howling outside the window. I haven’t bothered to put up a Christmas tree yet, I guess I just don’t see much point in doing so. I’ve spent the last week or so trying to get a working computer again, and thanks to a good friend, and a little help from above I have one again.

I’m for the moment a little stuck on how to end Sorrow’s Moon, its kinda hard getting back in the writing frame of mind with everything else that has been going on. It hasn’t exactly been the easiest book to write so far, and I know I’ve skimmed over parts that should have had a lot more time and detail involved, but NaNoWriMo is more about writing for speed than perfection. Perfection comes when its finished I guess. This dyslexic child needs an editor. (sadly I can’t afford one)

It’s back to work finishing this story for me I hope, as soon as my fingers warm up and I can thaw out the plot bunnies that have to be hiding half frozen to death from this cold weather in there somewhere…

Technical Difficulties…please stand by

08 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Rants, Technical Difficulties

≈ 1 Comment

Power cord has fried out on my laptop, and I am not sure when I will have the money to replace it, so my updates here and work on the novel may be iffy for the indefinite future.  I am only able to make this post due to the fact Jimbo’s power cord happens to be the same one my computer uses. How work on the novel is going to proceed will depend on wether or not I can find a way to raise the money I need for a new power supply. It may be weeks before I can afford a replacement part, so prayers and good thoughts would be much appreciated.

It’s just another sad tale of the state of the economy…can’t afford even a simple part I can replace myself. A hundred dollars seems a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a power cord, but the computer is useless without it I’m afraid, and computer manufacturers and Office Depot seem to know it.

 

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