I found some old journal posts from about a year ago, man do I feel stupid. I am posting them here to remind myself that the grass was not as green as it appeared, please remind me of this when I get to feeling sorry for myself:

 Journal Excepts:

Sometimes my dreams find me saying things I would never have the courage to while I am awake, even if it something that has been on my mind from time to time. The dream I had last night was one of those in a scary sense. All I remember is walking out of a building with Chaz, we had our arms around one another, and then we sat on a park bench. I told him in my sleep honestly how I felt about our relationship, where I hoped it would someday go, and the doubts I have that he will ever be ready to give me what I really want to happen. I guess in a way I'm still afraid of being stuck in another dead-end relationship where all I will ever be is someone's girlfriend. I realize it is too soon to assume that that is all it will ever be, but how long do I wait and hope? Where is the line drawn between hope and wishful thinking? There always seem to be things I can't bring myself to say. Most frightening of all is: If I asked the questions, do I truly want to know the answers?

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When, oh, when do I get to use my brain? I've been dying of sheer boredom for weeks now. I've finally come to the conclusion that, yes, I do need a life. Now the question is, how do I get one? I can't let my life revolve around others, and hope to have one because of it. I need to find who I am, and make something for myself. Problem is, it seems so hard to begin. I'm in a new town, where I know hardly anyone but Chaz and his family. I haven't really been able to make many friends of my own yet, and I can tell, even though he won't admit it, that most of his friends only tolerate me because I'm with him.

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I didn't have much of a life where I came from anyway, but there will be a few things that I will miss. I'll miss taking my walks out off of Silver Street, going to Fred's for ice cream, and sitting in my thinking spot in Blake Park. All the houses look the same here, no strange oddties to go and explore for, like an old one room schoolhouse, complete with belfry attached to a factory, a purple roof, the lone concrete pylons that remained of an old railroad bridge in a backyard. Will I ever again find streets I didnt know existed, without a single house on them? If theres no one to really go home to, why am I so homesick?

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I just realized I hadn't bothered to update this in a few days…wow. A lot can really go on in that time I guess. Things have been crazy around here with Chaz's new album getting ready to come out. he's nervous, he's excited and a million things in between. I'll admit that the amount of attention this seems to be getting already has me a little nervous, even though I'm extremely happy for him. I often wonder how much it's going to change our lives if the album does really well. Will it be for the worse, or better? Only time will tell…9 days to go…

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Here I find myself bored, and with a raging caffiene buzz.(bad combination) So not only am I wired, but Chaz is asleep and I have a lot of time on my hands. I have to get him to the library as soon as he wakes up so I can get that one last form we need to mail off the taxes tonight, must be done, we can no longer avoid it. He won't complain when the tax return check finally comes. We really dont have much time, he has JD practice at 6:30 which means he has to leave at 5:30. I should probably wake him up at 3, as long as he doesn't wake up in a frisky mood all should go well.

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We went to visit his mom at the nursing home last night where shes getting physical therapy after her motorcycle accident a couple of weeks ago. If miracles will never cease, she actually wasn't rude to me, and didn't yell at me at all. I still don't think she likes me. When someone doesn't like you its kinda difficult to like them, but shes his mom, and I'll never say a word to her out of respect for him, no matter how rude she gets. Can't win em all I guess.

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Why do people always assume the worst when they only hear one side of a phone conversation? He and Beth may be over, but I think he still judges everything I do on her mistakes. When hes angry, he assumes the worst, and if he thinks I'm in any way at fault, nothing I say or do can change his mind. She's messed with his head so much that I've begun to wonder just how close to normal our relationship will be able to get. As long as he cant let it go, I'll be living in her shadow. I'll be paying for her mistakes and not just my own.

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Sometimes it seems as though Chaz and I live on totally different schedules. Oh well, why continue to fool myself? We do. Working 3rd shift, he has the sleeping habits of a vampire. I spend most of my time during the day bored to death, waiting for him to decide to wake up. Face it, men are all big babies when they wake up before they are ready. Most of the time they whine, sometimes they throw a tantrum,….but every once in a while they wake up on their own, in the mood to cuddle…which is really cool. I like those days.

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I've still been working on the site, and message boards all morning, trying to get them just right. Much thanks to Hannie, for helping me with the graphics. (angelfire sucks) I think how the Realm Of Dreams turned out looked pretty sweet, but I'm still tweaking the Jacobs Dream board. Now, if people will just post I'd feel a little better. I know, I know, I have to give it time. Man am I bored.