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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Category Archives: Faith

Why write about the hard stuff?

04 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by Aurora in Creative Writing, Daily Drivel, Faith, In Hindsight, My Writing, NaNoWriMo, Random Thoughts

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, creative writing, depression, writing

1_hope_quotes_love.com_Someone asked me recently why a lot of the stories I write contain such damaged characters. I’ve been asked more than once why the stories often have a melancholy tone, or deal with difficult subjects. I’m sure many people are skilled at writing stories that are sunny escapeism, but those don’t seem to be the sort of characters that come to me with stories to tell.

I get the inspiration for my stories through a variety of places, music, dreams, and sometimes stories of their own lives that people have told me over the years, though no one character in my novels exactly resembles any one specific person. Sometimes when one of my characters deals with a difficult past, or a disturbing situation, it may be as simple as trying to work those thoughts, or that situation out in my own mind. I will likely never tell which ones are real, and which ones only happened on paper unless asked by someone privately to tell them.

Sometimes the point is to not ignore or gloss over the difficult things in life, but to learn to live on in spite of them. Living on afterward is not always easy, but hopefully in the end, these stories prove there is hope, that as long as life continues that better days are surely coming. Perfect days do not exist surely, but better ones…

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Lacking Motivation

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Faith, In Hindsight, NaNoWriMo, Rants, Taterbug, winnifrog, Writing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anxiety, autism, family, kids, loneliness, motherhood, NaNoWriMo, partenting

Writing seems to have gone by the wayside for me yet again. It’s not all that unusual for me to do this now that the weather is warming up. Lots of people are doing the July round of Camp NaNoWriMo, but I haven’t signed up this time, because I know I have far too much going on in my life at the moment to really commit to it. Between Thor’s busy schedule, and starting physical therapy next week that is far overdue, I know my days are going to be full.

Now that the weather is nicer, I am trying to make more of an effort to get out of the house. This new house is actually fairly nice, but I still find myself wanting to run back the the old and familiar, especially when anxiety is getting the best of me. I go back and forth between loving and hating it here sometimes because of it. I think it’s mostly the nowhere to go, and no one to really talk to thing that’s getting to me. It’s hard trying to find a place to fit in here. I’m starting to wonder how long that is going to take, considering I didn’t make a single real friend in the 3 years we lived in the last place. I guess I should be more optimistic that maybe it will be different here. Maybe…

As you can tell by the photo, the little guy is getting tall, as in really tall. He’s 40 inches in height already and about 35 pounds. It looks like he is going to be tall and lanky just like his daddy. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I will be very happy if the weight issues I have always struggled with will pass him by. He is a good healthy eater though, and will pick veggies to eat over just about anything. Bell peppers and ground turkey sloppy joes are about his favorite things in the world right now.


I still haven’t gotten word about Whitney’s court date yet, but that’s mostly because there is paperwork to finish, and then a another big game of hurry up and wait, when it comes to getting a hearing arranged. I am hoping and praying that my ex decides to skip this hearing as he has so many others that have taken place over the years. He’s never really been that involved with her growing up, but he unfortunately is the sort of person that would be vindictive at the hearing just to spite me. If he can find an opening and a knife to twist in the wound he will do it. He is an ex for so many reasons I really don’t want to get into here.

I’m so nervous over this guardianship hearing it’s got me on eggshells. I’ve been waiting so many years for this day to come, that I am beside myself worrying that something is going to screw it up. If I can just get her home than all this hoping and praying, and pain of the these last 7 years will be worth it.

7 years without your baby girl, that’s a hell of a long time to lose, with anyone, much less a piece of your heart, that’s been ripped away, and kept just out of reach for far too long…

Time flies

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Faith, Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, On the news, Rants, Taterbug, Winnifrog

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

aging, anxiety, decorating, depression, family, home improvement, kids, loneliness, marriage, moms, motherhood, moving, parenting


Here it is December again, and a lot has been happening since I haven’t been tap-taping away at the keys. Some of it has been good, and some bad, but at least I can say that life lately is a bit different than the last time I wrote on this here blog.

My mother in law had a serious fall and has been in and out of the hospital yet again, and is presently in a rehabilitation nursing home trying to get back her strength so she can hopefully be home by Christmas. Thankfully nothing was broken, but no one knows what has been causing these weak spells she has been having. They seem to come on quickly, only to resolve themselves before anyone can find a cause. I really wish she would come and stay with us, but mom is stubborn and doesn’t want to leave her home, much less Indiana. If that news were not enough, we also found out the cancer my husband’s aunt had a few years ago has returned, and unfortunately it seems to be already at stage 4, and the doctors are unsure how much they will be able to do to help her. John seems to be taking that bit of news about as well as can be expected for now.

As overwhelming as the hard news lately has been, the good news is that the closing finally happened on the new house, even if moving cost way, way more than we had ever anticipated that it would. In fact, the movers ended up charging us around five hundred dollars more than their original estimate, so needless to say, the last couple of months have been kind of lean around here budget wise while we try to gather the things we will need for the new house. I guess I can’t expect miracles in that department overnight.

Christmas looks to be equally lean this year. I was able to get all of the kids at least a little something, but probably nothing like I know kids are usually hoping for. I hope my older kids will be happy with clothes, paperback books and homemade necklaces. Thor seems to be the easy one to shop for, board books and a see n say, and a little toy truck. I also picked up a used toddler bed for him to use whenever we have the money to get his room finished enough for him to move into.

Thor’s room was one of our not so nice surprises after we moved in here. Not only had someone started ripping the wallpaper down and didn’t bother finishing it, but sometime between the inspection on the house and the closing they had also taken the time to remove the light fixture in that bedroom, and so now we have to buy a new one and find someone to help us install it. We have the light fixture we want spotted, and know what color we are eventually going to paint the room once the work is done, getting it finished is mostly a matter of having the money to purchase the materials and help we will need to make it happen. Unfortunately those things just don’t come cheap nowadays.


I know we have many plans for what we would like to do with the new house in the coming months, but we know much of what we would like to do cannot happen overnight. All we can do is make a list of what we would like to have done, and try to figure out which things are a priority, and which of them would just be something that would eventually be nice to have. For the moment the first thing on the list is to get that light fixture replaced, and to get Thor’s room finished so the hubby and I can finally have some much needed privacy and more room to do our own room the way we would eventually like it to be.

For now the plan for Thor’s room is to paint it a nice pretty Tardis blue to begin with. Eventually when time and money allows the hubby will be painting murals of a nighttime forest with owls in the trees on his bedroom walls. The ceiling eventually will also have glow in the dark stars. Eventually… I’d just be happy getting his room painted and done enough for him to actually move into before spring. It’s all just a matter of too many plans and not enough money to do it all right now.

For now, even a month after moving in, we are still unpacking slowly but surely, and trying to get the house the way we want it to be. We are also slowly but surely trying to learn our way around this new town, and where to find the things we need. Not knowing anyone is really the hardest part of moving somewhere new. I am hoping that once the weather warms up a little and we get settled in, that we will be able to go out and meet some new people. So far the neighbors seem nice, but just like most places nowadays, most people pretty much seem to keep to themselves. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem to be nearly as easy to get to know anyone these days, maybe myself included. It doesn’t help that I’m rather shy around people I don’t know well, and I can tend to be quite a homebody.

For now we would like to wish you Blessed Holidays from our tiny town in middle of nowhere in Northwestern Pennsylvania. As for myself I will be trying to stay warm, and ride out the winter without turning into a mommysicile.

December has always been a hard time for me these last few years. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my dad passed away, and two years since I lost my lifelong friend Sandy. It’s hard not to curl up and have a good cry, but I know that’s not what either of them would have wanted. Maybe it’s ok to be sad, as long as I don’t forget all the good that is still here. Some days that is easier said than done.

Emotional Rollercoaster

23 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Faith, In Hindsight, Rants, Taterbug, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, cats, children, depression, disabled, family, kids, life, marriage, moving, parenting, poverty, rants, writing

Life has surely had its ups and downs the last couple of months here. We’ve jumped through so many hoops, sometimes I wonder how much more jumping I have left in me. Being this stressed is exhausting. It’s easy for others to tell you not to worry, when they really have no idea what you are going through. Sometimes I wish people would do a little less telling me not to worry, and just ask me what it is they can do to help. Life would be so much easier.

We are still looking for a new place to live, and for a short while, we thought we had found what seemed the near-perfect place for us. It was a nice house in a very small town an hour to the north of where we live now. John’s mom was going to help us get the down payment to be able to buy it, and I thought things were finally looking up.

That was until, lo and behold, and out of state buyer swooped in at the last moment, and outbid our offer by several thousand dollars.

Needless to say I was crushed and still am. Now I guess it is back to the drawing board. The realtor says she has more homes she can show us, but in our price range, the selection is kind of limited. Part of me is almost afraid to get my hopes up, but I want us to have a nice home of our own so badly. Rents are way out of league around here, buying seems like our only option if we have a prayer of affording anything. Rent on a comparable house would be four times as much as the mortgage payment would be, at the very least.

I just want a stable place to call home. I want somewhere for Thor to grow up, and not worry him over having to move every few years. I want to be able to paint walls a color that isn’t white or beige, and hang as many pictures as I darn well please. Now that my older kids are grown, in a few years I want something their kids will be able to call grandma and grandpa’s house, somewhere they can run back and forth in and jump up and down on the floor in without driving the downstairs neighbors insane.

Maybe it’s all just too much to ask for, but I have to keep trying. Hopefully when next week comes, there will be better news.

Meanwhile the little guy is growing like a weed and into everything. He keeps me smiling even when it seems like the job of trying to keep up with him never ends. He is almost frighteningly smart nowadays. He already knows how to do basic things not only on our cell phone, but also on the computer. He can open iTunes and play his favorite music, which I think he recognizes by the album cover pictures. He also already uses about a dozen different words , with some of his most consistent ones being: up, spoon, hi, no, and of course the word, owl. He still can’t seem to get enough of owls, which have been his favorite animal since he was only a few weeks old, but which are now having to share a special place in his heart with cats, especially his now much beloved stuffed cat named Tygie.

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Tygie is the first toy that I can say, Thor picked out all by himself. He takes him almost anywhere and everywhere now, at least around the house. We try to make sure he leaves him at home when we have somewhere to go, because we are a little afraid of the cat getting lost. Thor would be devastated if that happened. He won’t go to sleep at nap time or at bedtime without him.

As you can see, orange cats are by far his favorite, I think because they look like our real live cats. The kitty here in the photo with Tygie is our oldest cat, who unfortunately came to us already with the name Boobies. He is quite an old man now, at 19 years old, and is very well loved, if slightly afraid of our son when he’s being noisy and moving too quickly near him. Thankfully Thor is getting much better about being gentle with the cats, and doesn’t pull tails nearly as often as he used to.

I am unsure what else to write about at this time. It’s hard to write, let alone be creative when your mind seems so busy with every day worries that seem so overwhelming. Writing used to be an escape, but nowadays it seems impossible when life seems this overwhelming. I am hoping to some day soon to at least have something good to write about here, instead of all this seemingly endless venting of the day’s issues.

Even if it is with much ranting and complaining, I always seem to keep moving, somehow…

 

 

Baby Love

22 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Aurora in Chipmunk, Faith, Random Thoughts, Taterbug, Winnifrog

≈ 1 Comment

It’s amazing how fast you can fall in love with babies. Thor has had me wrapped around his little finger since the second I first laid eyes on him. He surely has turned my world upside down, my world now revolves around him. Is he eating well? Is he warm enough? I must wake up half a dozen times a night sometimes just to check on him.

I know I’m blessed more than I can say to have him. Two years ago I never would have believed I’d be married now, or have another child. I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my grown-up life, even with the sadness that friends and family would know about. Only time will remedy that, hopefully sooner rather than later. Even after all this time I am still hoping and praying that someday my girls will come home and my family will be whole again.

For now I guess I will just enjoy the baby snuggles and smiles as long as I can. Babies don’t stay babies for long. As sleep deprived and frazzled as I can be, I also now know just how quickly these days slip away. I’m lucky enough to be given another chance to have them once again.

Enjoying it while it lasts…I love him so much.

Not so small blessings…

19 Saturday Dec 2009

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Faith, Fun Stuff, Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts

≈ Leave a comment

The last few weeks I know I’ve been sitting around doing a lot of grumbling about everything that’s gone wrong in the last year. Things are falling apart at the seams there’s no denying it, but I guess sometimes I grumble a bit to much to notice the things I’ve been blessed with in that time as well.

Mort

One of those blessings for many years now has been my dear friend Morten. I don’t know if words could ever express to him how much being his friend has meant to me, and the many ways he as helped me the last few years, both as a listening ear and in other ways. He’s given me a shoulder to cry on, even if it has only ever been on the other side of an IM window. He’s made sure my children have had a Christmas during years when on my own I could have given them nothing. He is simply to special for words, and I hope he knows every day just how much I love him for all he has done, even if it is from an ocean away.

Hannie

Another friend I have been blessed with for many years is my friend Johanna. We gripe, we grumble, we get mad at people and we blog about them. You’ve been my friend in good times and bad for almost ten years now. I do hope that you know you will always have a special place in my heart, even when I get to be a grumpy hermit and go hiding and feeling sorry for myself for months at a time. Thanks for being there and not giving up on me when so many others would have.

Jimbo

And last but not least there is Jimbo. You’ve been there for so long, sometimes I almost forget how special you are. No I still don’t think you live on this side of reality sometimes, but I can always tell your heart is in the right place, even if you seem lost in a world that doesn’t understand you. I’m honored that you’ve chosen to adopt us as your second family these last fifteen years. Our lives wouldn’t be the same without you in it.

Guess I’ve been moping so badly over the people walking out of my life that I almost forgot to stop and appreciate just how many truly great friends I really have been blessed with. They may not be great in number, but they have big hearts, and I wish the world was filled with more like them.

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