Tag Archives: life

The sky is falling

17 Sunday Feb 2013

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It’s been an interesting last few days in the news. There’s nothing like rocks raining down from the sky to remind you of just how not in control of the universe you are. People being sick around here hasn’t done much for my sense of control or my confidence in things going remotely according to plan either.

John’s illness went from a bad cold to pneumonia, which thankfully he’s already finished the medicine for, and he seems to be improving even if slowly. The baby now has a cold, but so far seems to be doing ok. I am hoping I am not going to come down with this, and maybe this is just them catching the cold I had a couple of weeks ago. I am not holding my breath on this though. I really really don’t want another cold when I just got rid of the other.

Having to be the one doing all the shopping and errands is wearing me out badly. Thankfully the baby seems to be in fairly good spirits even with his cold, so that makes things easier than they could be otherwise. I would like to sit down and eat something resembling a full meal, or at least one that consists of more than a glass of milk, or a few bites of hummus or cottage cheese. I have no idea why, but the thought of green beans with butter and salt sounds so completely lovely right now. I must be delusional.

On the other hand…I could really use a fried egg sandwich with grape jelly too. Who’s bringing the waffles?

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Under the weather

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Rants, Taterbug, Technical Difficulties

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I haven’t written much these last few days because the hubby has been down sick. At first we thought he just had a bad cold, but after a week of being sick already, he suddenly began running a fever after not having one before. After a trip to the hospital Sunday morning he was diagnosed with pneumonia. The only good news is the doctor thinks he most likely isn’t contagious. With a baby in the house this is excellent news.

Thor has of course been quite clingy and grumpy through all of this. I know he probably knows something has been wrong with his daddy even if he isn’t old enough to understand what it is. After two days of antibiotics John is already doing much better, and hopefully he will be over it soon. I just hope no one else comes down sick.

It’s definitely been hard being the one having to do all the running around here. I had to do all the errands yesterday, and the grocery shopping. It normally wouldn’t be much of an issue if you owned a vehicle, but we don’t. The grocery store is just over a quarter mile away, and while the walk down there isn’t bad, the way home from there is all up a very big hill. The climb up isn’t bad empty handed, but with a few bags of groceries it’s exhausting. I know when I have done it in the past I have to stop every block just to catch my breath and rest.

I’m sitting here enjoying a moment of quiet while the baby is in the swing and entertained for the time being. I feel exhausted. I don’t sleep well by myself, and John has been camped out the last several nights on the sofa because its easier for him to sleep sitting all propped up. Hopefully if the baby allows I will be able to catch a nap later. I am not holding my breath.

Worry

10 Sunday Feb 2013

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Worrying has always been a big issue for me. It gets better or worse depending on my present situation, and my frame of mind that day. My level of anxiety can also affect how optimistic I am at any given moment.

I worry over many different things. One of the things I worry over the most is money. Will John and I have enough money to keep a roof over our heads, and get our son the things that he needs? Will I be able to afford all the things we are going to need down the road? Will we ever be able to live in a home of our own without a roommate?

I also worry about my kids frequently. Is My daughter Whitney doing alight there in Ohio on her own? Where is Alexa, and will I ever get to see her again? Is Thor healthy and growing like he should? I will admit I worry every time I put him down to sleep at night. I must wake up half a dozen times some nights to check on him. I say the same prayer for him every night, sometimes several times a night, even if I don’t pray much about anything else anymore.

Sometimes I worry about staying healthy, and being around for my kids down the road. My older two kids are adults, but one is still a teen, and my youngest son is still just a small baby. I hope to live long enough to see him grow up. It know that is a worry because I am so much older now than before.

I worry about my husband and his health problems. What will happen if he loses what little is left of his hearing? What if his vision gets worse? What happens if he spends another two years unemployed, and he’s turned down for disability all over again? I can’t keep us afloat financially alone forever. I know he’s trying his best, and none of this is his fault.

I should be doing things to make the situation better. I have novels that need to be edited and rewritten, but it’s hard to want to work on it all when I’m this stressed out. Stress isn’t exactly conducive to creativity, at least not where I am concerned. It’s hard to concentrate, when all I can think about is how worried I am about it all.

I wish I knew how not to worry, or at least how to not let it get the better of me. Some days I just want to sit and cry about it all, other days I’m grumpy, and sometimes both at once. It would help if I knew that eventually it would all be alright, but I don’t. No one can promise me that, so the worry remains, it never goes away.

Winter blues and my little sunshine

05 Tuesday Feb 2013

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Cabin fever really gets to me. I have never been a fan of winter to begin with, at least not the cold part of winter that follows the holidays. I think I would be happiest if it would stay about 60-70 degrees out year round, sadly I don’t think a place like that exists, or I’d have already found a way to move there.

I know nowadays not many people know the joys of standing around at a cold bus stop, or trying to push a stroller through the snow, but that’s what it takes to get anywhere around here. This town is also very hilly, and sometimes I worry about a runaway stroller like in the old black and white movies if I don’t hang on tight enough.

I’ve heard stories about how winters used to be. I remember some pretty wild winters back when I was a kid, with blizzards with snow drifts as high as the second story. I remember seeing our white German shepherd jump off the porch to go potty, and my dad having a devil of a time finding her to dig her out of where the snow had swallowed her.

I remember the first year my oldest daughter and I moved back into the little cottage and that blizzard hit. We were quite literally snowed into our single story house, and seeing as someone had stolen my shovel, I had to dig us out with a koolaid pitcher, and trudge through hip deep snow to the neighbors house to borrow one.

Why are hard times so much harder to get over in the winter? Is it because we are stuck inside most of the time, and it’s so much harder to get out and take a simple walk to clear your mind? People stay close to home, and it’s hard to make friends, or find anyone to talk to.

It would be nice to find something to do here, and places to go. It would be nice to have friends I could talk to somewhere every day other than on a computer screen. It’s hard to start over somewhere where you don’t know anyone, when making new friends has never been your strong suit to begin with.

I do spend plenty of time with my little tye-dyed ball of sunshine, but I know John and I both could really use more adults to talk to than each other. I really long for the days when saying hi to someone got you more than a suspicious glare. It didn’t used to be like this. Sometimes I still wish the world hadn’t changed so much.

Feeling Imperfect

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Boredom, Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Rants, Taterbug, Writing

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My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

My late cat Little Kitty, I miss him

Self confidence has never been my strong suit. I spend so much time second guessing myself, and asking myself what if. This is something I have dealt with for a long time now. I don’t have as many rough patches as I used to, but some days are easier than others for me.

For a long time there things were going so well, and I was finally happy and things really seemed to be looking up. All it took to turn things on its head for me was a whole lot of horrible things in a very short amount of time. In a matter of months I lost almost everything I owned in a break in, and also lost my aunt, my father and a childhood best friend. In the last year alone I’ve also lost another aunt, a mentor who was like a second mother to me, and my grandfather, not to mention our beautiful white kitty.

There have also been many good things that have happened that have made it all easier, like getting married to my wonderful loving husband, and the birth of our beautiful little boy. I know I have a lot in my life that is good, so I don’t understand why I’m not floating on cloud nine. No, I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel nearly as happy and optimistic as it seems I should be.

My son is the thing that by far makes me the most happy. He smiles and I can’t help but smile with him. He laughs and I forget everything else but him. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s the most amazing thing. I don’t know what I would do without him. Even when I’m tired and I grumble and complain, he makes everything completely worth it for just one of those smiles.

It’s just that sometimes I wish I could do better for him. I don’t have much money, and making it paycheck to paycheck is a huge worry for us. With John unable to find work and my small income all we have for the moment, money is always a huge worry. I do the best I can, and try to stay ahead on the things that I can.

Maybe my packratish tendencies make me a little crazy, but I’m always trying to keep diapers, clothes and formula at least a bit ahead of when we need it. I’ve gone without enough in my life, that I don’t ever want to take the chance on my son ever needing something and it not being there. I’m always buying clothes a size or two ahead of what he is wearing, and putting them away for him to wear later.

I guess I still have so many people’s voices in the back of my head, the ones that always reminded me of just how imperfect I was. Why isn’t the house spotless? Why don’t I have a job making tons of money? Why am I a size 18 instead of a size 4? Does any of that really matter?

I try the best I can to be a good person. I have never set out to hurt anyone, well, at least not without being provoked or backed into a corner first. I write books that no one reads, that I’ve all but given up on finishing, because even the people closest to me don’t seem to want to bother to give looking at them a second thought. It’s hard to want to keep writing these stories when you’re the only person who is ever going to know anything about them.

Maybe someday I’ll find my way back to optimism. I seem to have misplaced it somehow in the shuffle of one thing after another. Maybe when the smoke clears, life will go back to something resembling normal. Maybe we will have reason to hope and not so much reason to worry. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Let it snow…

25 Friday Jan 2013

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The snow really is coming down out there today, so today Thor and I have been at home, hanging out on the sofa and trying to stay warm.

The last couple of days were a different story, with appointments, and being out on this ungodly cold we have had here the last few days. We bundled him up good, and tried not to stay out in the weather any longer than we had to between stops. I was still really glad to get home, and spend the rest of the evening snuggled under the comforter I keep on the sofa.

They’re calling for several inches of snow here by morning, but I don’t plan to go too much of anywhere, so that’s just fine with me. Thor seems to be really hungry today, a lot more hungry than he usually would be. I wonder if this means that he is about to hit yet another growth spurt soon. It may be a good thing that I am putting back clothes for him at least a size ahead, he surely doesn’t seem to stay in one size for very long at all. The sleepers that we bought him at Christmas that were so big are now fitting, and some of them are already a little small.

On other good news, John said we may be able to get the new sewing machine this weekend. Baby allowing, maybe I will be able to start making some things within the next couple of weeks. I think that would be really fun to do again, even if it’s been a long time since I’ve sewn anything. I used to do it quite a bit when my older kids were younger. I never made anything really fancy, just play clothes for them, and little costume pieces, like the cowboy vest I made for my older son when he was only about six or seven years old.

Someday I would love to get good enough at sewing to make some nicer things, but nothing like that comes without practice, and the only way to do it is to get moving on it. Sure I will have to wait awhile to be able to get out to get some supplies, but that is doable. We don’t have the big box stores near where I live, and I don’t really like shopping at them anyway if I have any other options. Maybe if I look into things I will find a smaller mom and pop type sewing store that is easier to get to. I really hope so, I really don’t like shopping at chain stores any more often than I have to.

Who knows, maybe having something to do for the rest of winter at home will break up some of the monotony around here, and give me something to do on days like today when the weather is not so nice out. Having something constructive to do usually does do a lot to lighten my mood.

Sleepy kind of day

20 Sunday Jan 2013

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It’s been a sleepy kind of day around here. Not much has gone on, but a lot of snuggling with a little one on the sofa and watching videos.

The day began ambitiously enough. We had planned a trip to the library, and the grocery store, but in the end we decided to just spend the day in. John did the shopping later on in the evening after we managed to get the baby down for a good nap, and he did sleep most of the time he was gone.

The trick to getting Thor down for a nap is literally for me to sit and hold him the entire time he sleeps. Nothing will wake him up faster than trying to lay him down to sleep in his bassinet. This has always been the case with most babies I have known, all you have to do to make them wide awake is try to tuck them in to bed.

I’ve been thinking some more about things I would like to be doing, especially once Thor gets old enough where letting him play in the playpen for awhile won’t be such an issue. I have often thought of taking up sewing again, or maybe learning to knit. Both are things I could do here around the house, and maybe if I got to be any good, maybe make a little bit of money at eventually.

What I would really like to be able to do eventually is go back to school, at least a class or two at a time. As much as I like being here at home to watch the baby grow up, being a stay at home wife and mom doesn’t keep my brain very busy. I would like to learn some new things, and meet some new people, and school would at least get me out of the house and around others for a few hours a week.

I do keep meaning to make friends here, but between being rather shy and a bit socially awkward, and the fact that I really haven’t been here long, I don’t know where to begin. We do have one good friend here who lives about half an hour away, but we don’t get to hang out much, as he is usually rather busy. It’s hard to know where to begin looking to get to know people. It doesn’t seem as easy nowadays as it once was. Most people seem to keep to themselves for the most part, not just here but everywhere. I’ll admit, we are much the same. John and I are both homebodies, but we aren’t unfriendly.

Maybe I write so much of whats going on in my mind here, cause outside of the hubby I’m a bit lacking for adult conversation. I miss familiar places and having friends to hang around and do nothing with, even if I haven’t had that in a really long time. Don’t get me wrong, John is really good company, but just as he has things of his own to do, I need things of my own to do as well.

The question is…what?

Morning comes way too early

19 Saturday Jan 2013

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Morning comes way too early some days, and this was one of them. I had the alarm set for 6:30, but I think I woke up about 5 to check on the baby and never did get back to sleep after that. I usually wouldn’t get up that early, but an 8:30 doctors appointment was all that was available without waiting a couple of weeks, so I took it.

I almost didn’t make it there on time, because the cab didn’t show up until over a half hour after I’d asked to be picked up. I’ll remember to schedule one for even earlier next time if I have to take one in the early morning again just in case. The boys were still snoozing good when I left, but were awake by the time I got home.

Even with a nap after I got home I am still feeling tired, and a bit headachy from the early morning. I’ll be happy when it’s time for our eye doctors appointment in a couple of weeks and I can finally get some new glasses. I don’t think these glasses are doing very well anymore since the baby was born, and I’m having some issues with eye strain. Then again, I hate having to finally admit that I do need the glasses all the time now. I can’t read a thing without them anymore.

John says they are calling for several days of snow coming up, but I’m not too worried about it until we have to go out in it Monday and Wednesday. Well really I can stay home and skip Monday if I really wanted to, seeing as that appointment is for John, but I would go along for moral support if he wanted me to. Besides I like going up to Bellevue and walking around looking at things in the shops up there, even if I really don’t have the money to be doing much shopping.

For the moment Thor is contentedly playing in his pack and play. He loves to just lay in there and wiggle and kick at times while he looks at the pooh bear toys that are on the toy bar above him. He chews on his fingers, and sometimes tries to stuff his whole fist in his mouth. Maybe that means that he will be cutting teeth soon. He seems to be doing everything else a little early, so I don’t see why he shouldn’t get some teeth a bit sooner than usual too.

As for me, baby allowing, I am going to take a nice hot shower and try to call it an early night tonight after I get done with a few things I still need to do. If I hadn’t already committed to doing something online with friends this evening, I think I would be in bed already snoring.

Tomorrow I am sleeping in…well…if the baby lets me.

I wanna kitty

18 Friday Jan 2013

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Yes I know we already have two cats. I love them dearly. These cats are actually my husband’s cats that he has had for years, and they let me know it. I know it seems silly, but having these cats is still not the same as having a cat of my own.

Having lost my own cat, and the cat of his I got along best of all within the last year has made me really sad. Life is always better with cats around. Both the cats we have left are quite elderly, and I would like my son to have a kitty around that he can grow up with and have for years to come. It makes me sad that the cats we have now will probably both be gone by the time he’s school age.

I don’t want a fancy pedigree cat, and I would love to have a rescue cat. Some of the best cats I have ever had were ones I had taken in as strays. I’ve been watching the humane society site on and off waiting for the right time. The hard part of it all is going to be convincing the hubby. I think he’s hoping as time goes on that I’ll forget about it.

nope…

I wanna kitty!

Baby super glue

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

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The men in my life are not morning people

It’s another lazy winter day around here today. Thor still seems to be well into the clingy phase, which isn’t making getting housework done easy. He insists on having John and I both where he can see us at all times, or at least one of us.

John has noticed and pointed out something to me, that I never considered before. Thor tends to get upset if he sees you leave, but seems to take being separated better if you leave without him seeing you do it. We have no idea why this is so, or why he doesn’t seem to be dealing well with being left in a safe place like his crib or bassinet while we are working on housework across the room or just the next room over. One of us almost has to be holding him for the other to get anything done.

My older two children never really had this issue that I am aware of, but my youngest daughter did to a degree. Doing housework with her usually involved putting her in a snugli, or doing it while her father was available to keep her distracted.

We are hoping that this is just a phase that will pass as he gets a little older. Sometimes we don’t know whether it is better to let him cry it out or appease him. I know the parenting classes we took before he was born say that it is impossible to spoil a child at his age, but at the same time we don’t want him to become so overly attached to us that he doesn’t learn to calm himself at all.

Mostly I don’t understand the separation anxiety, other than the fact that he’s still too little to know that when we step away a moment that we are going to come back. He’s never been left alone even in his crib more than a few moments unless he’s been sound asleep, and even while he sleeps we are there in the same room with him in our own bed.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have been able to figure all this out by now, with him being the youngest of four. All I have learned is that every child is different. Sure, some things are a little easier, and I have quite a bit more patience than when my older children were small. They are all now grown, except for one teen that doesn’t live at home. It’s been strange to be suddenly starting all over again, just when the nest was emptying, but truth be told I’m really enjoying it.

I have my moment where I’m stressed out, and he’s crying, and nothing seems to be working, but I still wouldn’t trade anything for those baby smiles, and those little giggles he’s just started giving. I’m tired and worn out but every morning I still can’t wait to see those beautiful dark blue eyes, and those chubby cheeks.

For now the house is clean, but the clutter remains, toys, blankets and a host of other things we can’t seem to find a place for. Our basement is getting fuller, our closets runneth over…