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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Category Archives: Utter Randomness

December Again

03 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Aurora in Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Randomness, Utter Randomness, Winnifrog

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Time really flies when you’re not blogging. I keep meaning to write something here, but blogging hasn’t been in the forefront of my mind for quite some time. One reason is more than possibly that I have been spending a lot more time living life, and less time in front of a computer screen. Not having a computer of my own for several months due to a burglary kinda gave not getting around to posting a kick in the pants too.

But my oh my a lot can happen in just one year…

As sad as 2011 was for me, 2012 so far has been a vast improvement, but to explain things I guess I should start with the beginning of the year and work my way through.

John and I got engaged in the late summer/early fall of 2011, and thankfully he got the chance to meet my dad once before he passed away in December of last year. I will admit it’s hard being happy about the holiday season even now without dad here, but I have other things to be happy about now that make things a little better.

Not long after dad passed away I apparently got a little surprise in the form of an unexpected mid-life baby. John and I found out a bit after Valentine’s day. While I was really surprised, we were both extremely thrilled at the news, even nervous as I was to be going through it all again at my age.

A lot of this explains my absence, too busy with it all…well that and nausea that made me sick to my stomach to sit at the keys long.

The baby news did speed up our wedding plans a little, we got married in August in my grandparent’s living room with some family and a few friends there. I got lucky enough to have my beautiful now eighteen year old daughter as my maid of honor. Married life so far is as good as I could have hoped for. I’m very blessed to at last have a good man in my life.

Our Wedding

The pregnancy was mostly uneventful, except for the last week, when we went in and found out the baby was breech during our routine checkup. (don’t ask me how he managed to flip around that late) An unplanned c-section and a few weeks of recovering later, we are both doing well. My son is a beautiful and very intelligent baby. I love him so much already it is almost unbelievable. John is a wonderful dad and takes great care of both of us.

Our baby

So for once here’s a blog post without ranting or complaining, something I didn’t seem to be able to do for the longest time. Could it be that I am really happy for once in my life? I think so….it’s almost scary.

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Technical Difficulties

06 Wednesday Apr 2011

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, In Hindsight, Random Tangents, Rants, Utter Randomness

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Hello world, I am alive for the most part, my computer on the other hand was not. Over a hundred dollars, and a new hard drive later, I am back on the net again. It is true that sometimes I believe that computers have species memory, and are all destined to hate me and malfunction at any given opportunity.

The last month or so hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been hanging in there. Dad just had his testing this last week to see how well the chemo has been helping, hopefully when we get the results soon it will be good news. My more personal life has taken a tailspin again, but there isn’t much I can do but hope and try to do what I can to undo that matter, even if it seems kinda hopeless sometimes. Yes I know thats kind of vague, but it’s nothing the world needs to know about, not yet at least.

Not up to much today, wanting to get some shopping done, find something resembling food, and hope nothing decides to pull the fart and die routine. If I can detach a certain calico glue kitty from my lap, I may have a chance of getting some of those things accomplished.

Blackfield – Hello

17 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Aurora in Fun Stuff, Music, Quizzes & Other Fun Stuff, Rock, Utter Randomness

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Can’t seem to stop listening to this band lately…odd but I like it.

Back in the land of the internet living…

12 Saturday Feb 2011

Posted by Aurora in Random Tangents, Rants, Utter Randomness

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Being without internet for a few weeks made me realize just how dependent I had really become on it, mostly for communication with friends, and for entertainment. Of course I could always use the instant messenger programs over my phone, and even do the facebook thing had I wanted to, well with the exception of those slightly addictive games I seem to find myself wasting time on.

Without internet and television, I had to find a new way of spending my time, I visited the library, read my way clean through entire novels in a night or two, caught up on sleep, and lamented over housecleaning. Yes there’s a world beyond the internet, its a lot more boring, I must admit, but it’s there just the same.

I am back to working on writing projects with my friends, and mulling over rewrites of the novel in my head. I’ve also been interviewing for a job in a work at home type thing and had to do three straight days of unpaid training. Now it’s on to a pile of paperwork, background checks and waiting to see if I will be accepted for the position I am looking at, which looks like it will be challenging. Any work right now would be better than nothing.

On a more personal note, I guess it’s that time of year again. Boredom hits, it’s cold, and its dark so early in the evening. It’s so easy to sit here and what if myself away about things. What if something hadn’t happened? What if something had happened differently? I think it’s easy for me especially to fall into that way of thinking, its my nature, and it can be quite a trap for me to pull myself from. Who really does know where I would be? Not being able to change it for all we know could be a blessing. If we were able, how many of the blessings in our life would we lose along with what we thought was such a bad thing? Sometimes our darkest times lead us to the most wonderful places, and people.

It is hard sometimes to tell myself that this dark place I have been in this last two years is only temporary, and there is light at the end. It seems there is always another trial to endure, more tears to cry, another test of my resolve. People keep telling me that God will not give me more than I can handle, but some days have really tested that, and shaken me. Being alone and going through the hardest times, if nothing else teaches you who your friends really are, they are few, and mostly far away. Sometimes they feel imaginary.

Here I sit surrounded by ice and snow…it’s cold, it’s lonely, and sometimes it really sucks “hugging” a computer screen.

Life in no-net land

27 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Rants, Technical Difficulties, Utter Randomness

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I never realized just how dependent I have become on the internet until the net was down all week, like it has been and likely will be for another 6-8 days. Not only do I feel out of touch with the world around me, I feel like I’m missing out on talking with friends. I’ve become so accustomed to having news at my fingertips, people to converse with almost instantly when I want to talk to them, all the addictive online games and yadda yadda.

Suddenly the line goes dead and its almost a mystery what to do with yourself. What did we do in a time before the internet and computers? Suddenly it seems I am in the middle of a struggle for thinking of other ways to keep myself entertained.

Theres always been reading, but even plowing my way through a novel a day has been leaving me bored mid-evening once I’ve run out of pages. Music is still the same old music I’ve had on my Zune for the last who knows whatever. The same DVDs you’ve watched a thousand times just aren’t nearly is appealing. I want my Youtube!

Free library wi-fi helps, but only goes so far. There’s only so much you can do, the connection is slow, and they have you net-nannied to death there. For now it is working in a pinch for the simple daily things, even if it crawls at a snails pace, and its crowded and noisy here. Forget all illusions you may have of the library being a nice and quiet place to surf the web.

I’m still looking at it possibly being as late as the end of next week before I get the net at the house repaired and up and running. I should not be such a baby about all of this, but I am spoiled now and I want my internet.

Slacking…

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Rants, Utter Randomness

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It used to be when I was in a mood, like I have been in the last couple of weeks, that I would vent by writing. I have no idea why that has changed the last few years. Now when I am upset I often find myself going inside my shell, not writing, and not doing much of anything really. I try to remember the things that I used to do to make things better, but its not easy. Truth is there is a lot going on right now, and I am alright for the most part, as long as I don’t allow myself to sit, stew and think too much.

About a week before Christmas my dad was diagnosed with cancer in his liver, colon and bone, it is in stage 4 and most likely not curable. The goal at the moment according to the doctor seems to be to buy dad a couple of good years, which is what my dad seems to say that he wants for now.

Seeing dad at Christmas time I could already tell that he was not himself. He’s lost almost 70 pounds since he began getting sick back around October. It was only due to my grandparents and my mother making him go to do the doctor that he even received the diagnosis when he did. Dad is exceedingly stubborn about that sort of thing. Its sad that he was so afraid of what they were going to tell him, that maybe he put things off far too long. If they had more hope of curing this months ago if he’d gone then, I guess we will never know.

Life pretty much seems as if it is in a holding pattern for now. I keep telling myself that I should be doing something, anything. I just can’t seen to find the motivation…

Cutest darn thing

22 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Fun Stuff, Holiday Thoughts, Music, Utter Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

I ran across this on youtube, cutest thing I’ve seen this year (as far as christmas stuff goes)

When it rains it pours

19 Sunday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Holiday Thoughts, Rants, Technical Difficulties, Utter Randomness

≈ 2 Comments

I think I’ve started and scrapped this post about half a dozen times trying to get my thoughts together. So much is going on right now that I don’t know how to handle, much less how I am going to cope with it all. Holidays have not been easy for me in a long time, and this year especially.

I started off this week being upset over the fact that I’m broke, as in too broke to get the kids presents broke, will be lucky to eat for the rest of the month broke. There’s no tree this year, I don’t even feel like having one honestly. I wish I could say this was the extent of what’s eating me this year, but it isn’t.

Three days ago we got the news that my dad has been diagnosed with liver cancer. We will find out after Wednesday just how advanced the cancer is, and what if anything they can do for him. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but most of the research I’ve done into the kind of cancer he has does not look promising, we will be fortunate if he makes it a few months to a year.

My parents are older, and somehow it seems I should have been prepared for this, but somehow at the same time, it seems as though they will always be there. I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want mom or dad to do it either. As much as I want to fall apart I’m wondering how much more I can cry this year before it never stops.

No idea whats wrong with me…

13 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Utter Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

Just not feeling like doing much the last couple of days. The weekend and spending time with my daughter was nice. I’ve been hiding inside and avoiding the cold and all the snow we’ve had outside. I don’t understand why I haven’t felt like doing anything. I got bored with the box of DVDs I got not long ago. I’m burned out on the writing project I’ve been doing with friends since July. Photoshop hasn’t been very entertaining either, which is very unusual. I haven’t gotten much more accomplished than rotting my brain on facebook and eating my way through a bag of doritos.

Getting the motivation to start the rewrite process on the novel I’ve been working on for over a year isn’t easy. The rough draft is finished, and has been since July, that part isn’t so much the issue. It’s been difficult for me to finish books for the last three years. I used to have a friend named Penny, she was my read along buddy. She was always standing hands out by the printer whenever I finished another chapter or two wanting to see what came next. Penny passed away from cancer three years ago. Writing has been hard ever since then without my one person cheering section behind me, pushing me forward. Maybe that sounds kind of silly, maybe some people will understand, I don’t know. Sometimes it just feels pointless writing stories that no one ever reads.

Debating…

10 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Utter Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

I’ve thought about importing some older blog posts here, but I’m not really sure that heaping around 5 years of blog on you all would exactly be the best thing, even though it would give me precious backups of some things I don’t have a second copy of online. What do you all think?

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