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Metal Angel

~ I remain, though dreams are shattered, forever awaiting the return of light…

Metal Angel

Category Archives: Holiday Thoughts

Time flies

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Daily Drivel, Evil Wizard, Faith, Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, On the news, Rants, Taterbug, Winnifrog

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

aging, anxiety, decorating, depression, family, home improvement, kids, loneliness, marriage, moms, motherhood, moving, parenting


Here it is December again, and a lot has been happening since I haven’t been tap-taping away at the keys. Some of it has been good, and some bad, but at least I can say that life lately is a bit different than the last time I wrote on this here blog.

My mother in law had a serious fall and has been in and out of the hospital yet again, and is presently in a rehabilitation nursing home trying to get back her strength so she can hopefully be home by Christmas. Thankfully nothing was broken, but no one knows what has been causing these weak spells she has been having. They seem to come on quickly, only to resolve themselves before anyone can find a cause. I really wish she would come and stay with us, but mom is stubborn and doesn’t want to leave her home, much less Indiana. If that news were not enough, we also found out the cancer my husband’s aunt had a few years ago has returned, and unfortunately it seems to be already at stage 4, and the doctors are unsure how much they will be able to do to help her. John seems to be taking that bit of news about as well as can be expected for now.

As overwhelming as the hard news lately has been, the good news is that the closing finally happened on the new house, even if moving cost way, way more than we had ever anticipated that it would. In fact, the movers ended up charging us around five hundred dollars more than their original estimate, so needless to say, the last couple of months have been kind of lean around here budget wise while we try to gather the things we will need for the new house. I guess I can’t expect miracles in that department overnight.

Christmas looks to be equally lean this year. I was able to get all of the kids at least a little something, but probably nothing like I know kids are usually hoping for. I hope my older kids will be happy with clothes, paperback books and homemade necklaces. Thor seems to be the easy one to shop for, board books and a see n say, and a little toy truck. I also picked up a used toddler bed for him to use whenever we have the money to get his room finished enough for him to move into.

Thor’s room was one of our not so nice surprises after we moved in here. Not only had someone started ripping the wallpaper down and didn’t bother finishing it, but sometime between the inspection on the house and the closing they had also taken the time to remove the light fixture in that bedroom, and so now we have to buy a new one and find someone to help us install it. We have the light fixture we want spotted, and know what color we are eventually going to paint the room once the work is done, getting it finished is mostly a matter of having the money to purchase the materials and help we will need to make it happen. Unfortunately those things just don’t come cheap nowadays.


I know we have many plans for what we would like to do with the new house in the coming months, but we know much of what we would like to do cannot happen overnight. All we can do is make a list of what we would like to have done, and try to figure out which things are a priority, and which of them would just be something that would eventually be nice to have. For the moment the first thing on the list is to get that light fixture replaced, and to get Thor’s room finished so the hubby and I can finally have some much needed privacy and more room to do our own room the way we would eventually like it to be.

For now the plan for Thor’s room is to paint it a nice pretty Tardis blue to begin with. Eventually when time and money allows the hubby will be painting murals of a nighttime forest with owls in the trees on his bedroom walls. The ceiling eventually will also have glow in the dark stars. Eventually… I’d just be happy getting his room painted and done enough for him to actually move into before spring. It’s all just a matter of too many plans and not enough money to do it all right now.

For now, even a month after moving in, we are still unpacking slowly but surely, and trying to get the house the way we want it to be. We are also slowly but surely trying to learn our way around this new town, and where to find the things we need. Not knowing anyone is really the hardest part of moving somewhere new. I am hoping that once the weather warms up a little and we get settled in, that we will be able to go out and meet some new people. So far the neighbors seem nice, but just like most places nowadays, most people pretty much seem to keep to themselves. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem to be nearly as easy to get to know anyone these days, maybe myself included. It doesn’t help that I’m rather shy around people I don’t know well, and I can tend to be quite a homebody.

For now we would like to wish you Blessed Holidays from our tiny town in middle of nowhere in Northwestern Pennsylvania. As for myself I will be trying to stay warm, and ride out the winter without turning into a mommysicile.

December has always been a hard time for me these last few years. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my dad passed away, and two years since I lost my lifelong friend Sandy. It’s hard not to curl up and have a good cry, but I know that’s not what either of them would have wanted. Maybe it’s ok to be sad, as long as I don’t forget all the good that is still here. Some days that is easier said than done.

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Christmas Eve Thoughts

25 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by Aurora in Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Christmas, family, holidays, kids, loneliness, parenting

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

   – Erma Bombeck

Holidays are never easy, especially far away from a lot of the people I care for and nearly everything I have ever known for the longest portion of my life. I am not from Pennsylvania, where my husband and I presently live with our son. I am, however, originally from a rather small town in central Ohio, one I have lived in my entire childhood and all but a handful of years out of my adult life. Being here isn’t easy sometimes, especially at holidays. It’s lonely, and depressing, even when I keep trying to tell myself it shouldn’t be with John and Thor here with me.

The rest of my surviving family is all meeting at my grandma’s house this evening to open presents, eat ham salad sandwiches, and fight over the last black olive like we always did. This is our first Christmas without my grandfather. I didn’t make it there last year to see him, or bring him his gift before he passed away a week later. I still regret that.

What sort of things do I remember about Christmas?

Grandma and Grandpa always hung our stockings on the side of the stair rails, not the fireplace, they looked like santa bloomers for the girls, and santa overalls for the boys. Every year we had to line up behind our stockings to get a group picture taken before we could open them. We always got them last, after we had unwrapped the rest of the presents on Christmas Eve.

I remember the year my dad stepped outside with a shotgun, fired a shot into the air and said he’d shot Rudolph.

I remember the year I was 10 years old and my dad was out of work, and all we got for Christmas that year was a wiener dog puppy. Truthfully, a new dog was all we had really wanted anyway, after someone had poisoned our beautiful white German Shepherd the summer before. We named her Daisy Mae after the girl on Dukes Of Hazard. Best dog ever.

I remember going caroling one year with a group of kids from the church, and pestering the group leader for us to stop at Uncle Louie’s house so we could sing for him, even though he wasn’t on their list of stops. I think it may have been one of the last handful of times I got to see him before he passed. I miss Uncle Louie a lot, he was a kind and gentle person, with a great booming bass voice when he sang, and a whole back yard full of heirloom chickens.

I could keep listing, but right now it just isn’t helping. In a way it’s just making me feel even more lonely. Even good memories hurt sometimes. Cherish your friends and family, not only during the holidays but every day. You never know what a small oddball thing that seems meaningless now, will mean to your loved ones far into the future.

Thinking Turkey Thoughts

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Holiday Thoughts, Rants

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

depression, family, grandparents, holidays, kids, life, loneliness, motherhood, parenting, rants, thanksgiving, thoughts

 

Holidays aren’t easy for me. I know that statement will be hard to explain to some people. Life hasn’t been easy for a long time, years now, even decades. I was a child the last time I really have good memories to look back on, even related to holidays.

I know some people joke about wondering how long it will take during the holidays for the police to be called, but in my family it’s a distinct possibility. The last time I remember spending Christmas with my family two fights broke out, and that was just christmas eve. I haven’t eaten a thanksgiving dinner I haven’t cooked myself in so many years that I can’t even remember when the last one I ate with my family was. I do however remember it was horrible and not much worth writing about food wise.

Being just me and my oldest daughter for years on the holidays, I never did the whole big turkey and all that, not that I ever could have afforded to anyway. Usually Thanksgiving for us meant pork chops and stuffing with mashed potatoes at home, and eating in front of the tv still in our pajamas. It was always just the two of us, or at least on most years.

Last year I think I made a half-effort at making a little bit of turkey, but not a whole one. It came out mostly ok, even if the veggies ended up a shriveled mess and not exactly edible. Cue this year’s second attempt, which I will be trying in a crock pot instead of the oven, because the oven will be occupied by my roommate’s god awful tofurkey. Just the thought of tofurkey makes me shudder with revulsion.

Holidays are hard, and the funk they leave me in is hard to shake myself from. All I usually end up thinking of is how much I envy people with close and loving families, and how I’d give almost anything to be part of a family like that. Yes, I have a husband and kids, and memories to build there, but thinking of the past and the mess that is the rest of my family, still hurts to no end, and probably always will. I see how it is even affecting my kids now and it upsets me so badly I could scream. Three generations of this family have been completely ruined by all this dysfunction and drama my mother and aunt just can’t seem to bury the hatchet over.

I really hope someone brings my grandmother dinner tomorrow, I would if I had a car, and weren’t so far away. I hate the thought of her sitting in that house all alone, especially with this being the first Thanksgiving that my grandfather has been gone. I worry a lot for her now, but there’s only so much I can do living an entire state away. The rest of the family is too busy not speaking to one another to really care I think, as they have been every year for who knows how long. All I can do is call grandma tomorrow, and at least let her know she hasn’t been forgotten.

Turkey is all well and good, but what I’d really love to have someday is a family that acts like a family, at least long enough to make it through dinner.

Am I wrong to just keep wishing?

 

Still can’t believe he’s gone

03 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Aurora in Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

family, grandparents, grief, loss, memorial

My Grandpa

It always seemed growing up that grandpa was too ornery and stubborn to die…

I remember the grandpa who was strong as an ox. He loved to work on antique cars, talk on his CB radio, and always seemed to have time to work in the garden, or do repairs on the house. He was funny, kind and had rambunctious sense of humor, but knew well the time for comedy, and when the moment had come to be serious. He kept us in line, and there was never any questioning where he stood, or what he expected of you.

He’d been sick on and off for a long time, but each time before he seemed to have risen to the challenge. Grandpa was a fighter, who overcame both cancer and heart problems on countless occasions. Even while his health grew weaker, his strong personality never faltered. He was still as ornery, cantankerous and quick to laugh as he ever was.

Above all else, grandpa was determined to stay in his own home, and deal with his illness on his own terms. Thankfully with grandma at his side he got his wish. He passed away peacefully the morning of New Years Day at home, right where he wanted to be.

It all still just doesn’t seem real somehow. I am still half expecting to get there and see him sitting in his chair eating his favorite candy. If he saw me crying he’d be telling jokes and teasing me, just to get me to laugh again. That’s just who he was, so quick to laugh, and he wouldn’t want me to remember him with tears.

I’m trying grandpa, I’m really trying…

Sleepy New Year

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Aurora in Boredom, Evil Wizard, Holiday Thoughts, Random Thoughts, Taterbug

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Boredom, holidays, marriage, new years, parenting, thoughts

As I sit here writing I am the only one in the house awake. Hubby went back to sleep once I got up with the baby, and now Thor has gone down for a nap in his baby swing. I guess I am enjoying the peace and quiet, and taking the opportunity to relax, read, and drink some chocolate milk with breakfast. (yes I know this isn’t gonna make losing that post-baby weight any easier)

I wish I could say I’m tired because of some exciting new years eve reveling, but that would be a lie. I missed the stroke of midnight last night because I wasn’t even paying attention to the time. I didn’t notice the hour had passed until I heard fireworks outside. Where was I in the minutes leading up to midnight? In the shower. I guess I climbed out and made it to the living room after toweling off just in time to give the hubby a kiss. He was too busy watching youtube to notice it was getting close to midnight either. I guess we really are a pair.

I was going to make new years dinner for everyone here like my great-aunt used to do for us when I was a kid, but our friend’s daughter came down with the flu, and we sadly don’t have the crock pot, so I may be back to square one on what to make today. But darn it all, it’s new years and I want my sauerkraut.

As far as new years resolutions go, I haven’t made any, and presently don’t plan to. I think most of us would be better off making a list of small obtainable goals we would like to work toward, not making a once a year promise to ourselves that is way out of reach. Change things because you want to, not because you feel you have to join millions of others in declaring for the world to see a compulsory list of unreasonable expectations.

My goals for the moment are to be a good wife and mom, and to take a walk every day so I can stay healthy. I don’t think that sounds all that unreasonable. Sure there are other things I could be doing, but I’m no longer heaping things on myself that I would have to wait on others to help me accomplish. Doing so it setting yourself up for disappointment. You can only control the things you do have control of.

Do what you enjoy, try to find the humor in everything. Being able to laugh at even the rough stuff is what is going to keep you sane. That’s been much the case the last couple of years. No, optimism has never been my strong suit, and each new year is going to have its good days and its bad days.

The train has now left the station, laugh, smile, and enjoy the ride the best you can.

December Again

03 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Aurora in Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, Random Thoughts, Randomness, Utter Randomness, Winnifrog

≈ Leave a comment

Time really flies when you’re not blogging. I keep meaning to write something here, but blogging hasn’t been in the forefront of my mind for quite some time. One reason is more than possibly that I have been spending a lot more time living life, and less time in front of a computer screen. Not having a computer of my own for several months due to a burglary kinda gave not getting around to posting a kick in the pants too.

But my oh my a lot can happen in just one year…

As sad as 2011 was for me, 2012 so far has been a vast improvement, but to explain things I guess I should start with the beginning of the year and work my way through.

John and I got engaged in the late summer/early fall of 2011, and thankfully he got the chance to meet my dad once before he passed away in December of last year. I will admit it’s hard being happy about the holiday season even now without dad here, but I have other things to be happy about now that make things a little better.

Not long after dad passed away I apparently got a little surprise in the form of an unexpected mid-life baby. John and I found out a bit after Valentine’s day. While I was really surprised, we were both extremely thrilled at the news, even nervous as I was to be going through it all again at my age.

A lot of this explains my absence, too busy with it all…well that and nausea that made me sick to my stomach to sit at the keys long.

The baby news did speed up our wedding plans a little, we got married in August in my grandparent’s living room with some family and a few friends there. I got lucky enough to have my beautiful now eighteen year old daughter as my maid of honor. Married life so far is as good as I could have hoped for. I’m very blessed to at last have a good man in my life.

Our Wedding

The pregnancy was mostly uneventful, except for the last week, when we went in and found out the baby was breech during our routine checkup. (don’t ask me how he managed to flip around that late) An unplanned c-section and a few weeks of recovering later, we are both doing well. My son is a beautiful and very intelligent baby. I love him so much already it is almost unbelievable. John is a wonderful dad and takes great care of both of us.

Our baby

So for once here’s a blog post without ranting or complaining, something I didn’t seem to be able to do for the longest time. Could it be that I am really happy for once in my life? I think so….it’s almost scary.

Cutest darn thing

22 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Fun Stuff, Holiday Thoughts, Music, Utter Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

I ran across this on youtube, cutest thing I’ve seen this year (as far as christmas stuff goes)

When it rains it pours

19 Sunday Dec 2010

Posted by Aurora in Complaint Department, Holiday Thoughts, Rants, Technical Difficulties, Utter Randomness

≈ 2 Comments

I think I’ve started and scrapped this post about half a dozen times trying to get my thoughts together. So much is going on right now that I don’t know how to handle, much less how I am going to cope with it all. Holidays have not been easy for me in a long time, and this year especially.

I started off this week being upset over the fact that I’m broke, as in too broke to get the kids presents broke, will be lucky to eat for the rest of the month broke. There’s no tree this year, I don’t even feel like having one honestly. I wish I could say this was the extent of what’s eating me this year, but it isn’t.

Three days ago we got the news that my dad has been diagnosed with liver cancer. We will find out after Wednesday just how advanced the cancer is, and what if anything they can do for him. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but most of the research I’ve done into the kind of cancer he has does not look promising, we will be fortunate if he makes it a few months to a year.

My parents are older, and somehow it seems I should have been prepared for this, but somehow at the same time, it seems as though they will always be there. I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want mom or dad to do it either. As much as I want to fall apart I’m wondering how much more I can cry this year before it never stops.

Not so small blessings…

19 Saturday Dec 2009

Posted by Aurora in Daily Drivel, Faith, Fun Stuff, Holiday Thoughts, In Hindsight, Random Tangents, Random Thoughts

≈ Leave a comment

The last few weeks I know I’ve been sitting around doing a lot of grumbling about everything that’s gone wrong in the last year. Things are falling apart at the seams there’s no denying it, but I guess sometimes I grumble a bit to much to notice the things I’ve been blessed with in that time as well.

Mort

One of those blessings for many years now has been my dear friend Morten. I don’t know if words could ever express to him how much being his friend has meant to me, and the many ways he as helped me the last few years, both as a listening ear and in other ways. He’s given me a shoulder to cry on, even if it has only ever been on the other side of an IM window. He’s made sure my children have had a Christmas during years when on my own I could have given them nothing. He is simply to special for words, and I hope he knows every day just how much I love him for all he has done, even if it is from an ocean away.

Hannie

Another friend I have been blessed with for many years is my friend Johanna. We gripe, we grumble, we get mad at people and we blog about them. You’ve been my friend in good times and bad for almost ten years now. I do hope that you know you will always have a special place in my heart, even when I get to be a grumpy hermit and go hiding and feeling sorry for myself for months at a time. Thanks for being there and not giving up on me when so many others would have.

Jimbo

And last but not least there is Jimbo. You’ve been there for so long, sometimes I almost forget how special you are. No I still don’t think you live on this side of reality sometimes, but I can always tell your heart is in the right place, even if you seem lost in a world that doesn’t understand you. I’m honored that you’ve chosen to adopt us as your second family these last fifteen years. Our lives wouldn’t be the same without you in it.

Guess I’ve been moping so badly over the people walking out of my life that I almost forgot to stop and appreciate just how many truly great friends I really have been blessed with. They may not be great in number, but they have big hearts, and I wish the world was filled with more like them.

Lordi – Hard Rock Hallelujah

29 Monday Oct 2007

Posted by Aurora in Finland, Holiday Thoughts, Metal, Music, Rock, Sci-Fi

≈ Leave a comment

Another fun Lordi video for Halloween

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