Tags
autism, children, custody, depression, family, kids, motherhood, parenting, special needs, worry
Optimism is hard for me, the last few years especially, when it comes to dealing with the ongoing situation with my daughter. I’ve wanted nothing more than to have her home, and I make sure I tell her frequently. Unfortunately every time I thought there was a ghost of a chance of it actually happening, I’ve pretty much had my hopes dashed to pieces.
There is another hearing coming up next week. I feel an obligation to be there, but part of me is also nearly paralyzed by knowing that my efforts would be all but futile. Deep inside I know that the outcome would be the same in my presence or without it. It’s as much my own state of mind that I am worried for. Should I go and go through the motions and attend a hearing that has already all but been decided, or should I just stay away and let them do the inevitable without me?
Is there hope of this ending any other way?
Should I really be spending a couple of hundred dollars we don’t really have right now for bus tickets and hotel rooms, when I know almost for sure that I will be coming back home alone with nothing to show for it but depression it may take weeks to shake myself out of?
Would I be a horrible person and mother if I just threw my hands up in the air and told them all that I just can’t do this?
Is it time to let my daughter go, and hope she will be happy with whatever life they can help her build for herself? All I can do is keep reminding her that my door is always open, and she always has a place here, even if the decisions on her future are out of my hands.
Damn this is hard…
Metal Angel 
I don’t know your situation, but speaking from experience, even if nothing comes of it your presence just being there speaks volumes.
You’re daughter is beautiful! I’m sorry to hear that she is not living with you, it must be very hard. I can understand that you feel as though your presence wouldn’t mean anything at the hearing and that it is all decided already, but I still think you should go. I agree that your presence there will speak volumes. Hang in there.
Most of the issue with going is the fact that it is going to cost so much, enough that by the time I get a bus ticket there, and pay for a hotel it would be enough to by food for us and Thor’s diapers for a month. Do I really have the right to blow that kind of money, and take food out of the baby’s mouth so to speak right now, when we are barely getting by as it is?
I’m sorry to hear that you are forced to face a financial and emotional battle with this situation. A mother should never be forced to decide between two children. Can I help in any way?
I’m not sure what can be done to help this situation. It feels like it’s completely a rock and a hard place either way I turn. I’m going to have to decide between attending this hearing and being able to buy groceries and diapers.
It doesn’t help that we are already down $150 dollars this month in application fees for an apartment we didn’t get approved for. Apparently they wanted a co-signer because we are low income, but they wont accept one that lives in another state, but they SURELY had no trouble concealing that fact from us and taking our money knowing we’d be turned down. The damn application fees should be illegal, all they do is give landlords incentive not to rent apartments, because they make just as much money if not more turning people down.
There is absolutely no help with housing available here for anyone under 62 years old, at least not without waiting lists a decade long. We are presently living in a sleeping room in an apartment with roommates. Our only luxury a month presently is the wi-fi internet we share with said roommates.
Almost everything comes down to money, money we don’t have. Money we have no way of getting. We are both disabled and can’t even get a part time job without risking losing what income we have, and our medical coverage. If our rent goes up again in April, I really don’t know what we will do. We may not even be able to stay here.
So yeah, a lot of worries, a lot on my plate, and no idea what the answer is.