Another November and I don’t feel that I’ve gotten much accomplished, or at least not the things I had hoped to. The writing hasn’t been going so well, mostly because the demands of taking care of Thor, are just, well, demanding.
Right after his first birthday, any semblance of a sleep schedule we seemed to have Thor into went right out the window. Most nights now we are lucky to have him to sleep by 10 now instead of 8. Last night Thor was awake until midnight. For some odd unknown reason, however, when he falls asleep seems to have little to no effect on what time he wakes up in the morning.
Truth be told, by the time it’s quiet enough for me to get anything accomplished now that I am stuck at a desk in the living room, it is too late in the evening, and I am far too tired to write coherently. At least if my laptop were still working properly I could go back and hide in the bedroom at fleeting moments during the day. It’s annoying to be stuck here at this desk, especially when it’s out here in the middle of everything where it’s noisy and nearly impossible to avoid serious distractions.
I have suddenly remembered why I am really, really, not a desktop person.
Maybe someday soon I will be able to afford to get the laptop fixed, and use it strictly as a writing only computer. Thankfully all it needs seems to be a new cooling fan. The part won’t cost much, but the installation might be a bit pricier than I can afford to spring for right now.
I’d love to have a nice recliner to kick back in while I work on this novel, and not this half broken desk chair that is killing both my hind end and my back, sadly I have no such thing, just an old granny sofa that sits too far away from the screen for me to see to tell what I am typing from there, even if the new keyboard is wireless.
The rest of life outside of writing still has me feeling as if I am running in circles and getting nowhere, especially as it pertains to our housing situation. It seems we still keep hitting brick walls with almost anything we have tried, either financially, or just with finding anything in our price range in general.
I want to be in a place of our own so badly. I don’t think even John understands just how much stress still being here is putting me under. I want a home or apartment of my own so I can at least somewhat have control back over my own life. I don’t want to have to consult anyone about my choices. I am beyond sick and tired of feeling as if I am walking on eggshells trying to appease someone, who seems to live in a way directly opposed to my values just to spite me.
I was an independent and introverted person even before I came here, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. As much as I enjoy the company of people when I want to be around them, I am not a people person by any stretch of the imagination. I want to be around people when I want to be around them, at least outside of close loved ones. Having someone I don’t want to be living with in my face, every day, day in, and day out is a nightmare for me.
Life is stressful enough, and home is supposed to be your shelter from that. What happens when it isn’t? What do you do when home is sometimes feeling like the last place you want you or your family to be?
I buy a chocolate bar. If I’m in the car I drive to a quiet lane and eat it. If I’m in a city, I go to a park (in summer) or a church (in winter) and eat it. Nobody talks to me. I don’t talk to anyone. Ten minutes of bliss. Btw I started reading your post because I thought it was a story about the parents of the Norse god Thor. It’s a really good intro.
Thor is the name of my 13 month old son, I can imagine it’s going to be confusing for some people at first. The motivation, besides the fact that we both liked the name, was that it was not often heard of, but still easy to pronounce and spell. When you have one of the most common last names in the English speaking world you do have to get a little different. (The idea came to me in a dream about a month before he was born) Oddly enough the name now seems to suit him perfectly, so in a way I figure that in the dream he was telling me what he wanted his name to be. I will also admit that chocolate sounds lovely, even if I don’t have a car to hide in presently. The closest I get is a few quiet minutes in a hot shower while my husband keeps the baby entertained.
I have a Thor in my family actually, in the Icelandic branch. And I’m very fond of him, and by extension, his name. I’d make that shower last and last…he’ll sleep longer soon. Really he will.
Not quite 40 said:
Yes, he will. Eventually. In the meantime, snuggle when you can, and get some ‘Me Time’ where you can snatch it. I really feel for you.