It used to be when I was in a mood, like I have been in the last couple of weeks, that I would vent by writing. I have no idea why that has changed the last few years. Now when I am upset I often find myself going inside my shell, not writing, and not doing much of anything really. I try to remember the things that I used to do to make things better, but its not easy. Truth is there is a lot going on right now, and I am alright for the most part, as long as I don’t allow myself to sit, stew and think too much.

About a week before Christmas my dad was diagnosed with cancer in his liver, colon and bone, it is in stage 4 and most likely not curable. The goal at the moment according to the doctor seems to be to buy dad a couple of good years, which is what my dad seems to say that he wants for now.

Seeing dad at Christmas time I could already tell that he was not himself. He’s lost almost 70 pounds since he began getting sick back around October. It was only due to my grandparents and my mother making him go to do the doctor that he even received the diagnosis when he did. Dad is exceedingly stubborn about that sort of thing. Its sad that he was so afraid of what they were going to tell him, that maybe he put things off far too long. If they had more hope of curing this months ago if he’d gone then, I guess we will never know.

Life pretty much seems as if it is in a holding pattern for now. I keep telling myself that I should be doing something, anything. I just can’t seen to find the motivation…