I think I’ve started and scrapped this post about half a dozen times trying to get my thoughts together. So much is going on right now that I don’t know how to handle, much less how I am going to cope with it all. Holidays have not been easy for me in a long time, and this year especially.

I started off this week being upset over the fact that I’m broke, as in too broke to get the kids presents broke, will be lucky to eat for the rest of the month broke. There’s no tree this year, I don’t even feel like having one honestly. I wish I could say this was the extent of what’s eating me this year, but it isn’t.

Three days ago we got the news that my dad has been diagnosed with liver cancer. We will find out after Wednesday just how advanced the cancer is, and what if anything they can do for him. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but most of the research I’ve done into the kind of cancer he has does not look promising, we will be fortunate if he makes it a few months to a year.

My parents are older, and somehow it seems I should have been prepared for this, but somehow at the same time, it seems as though they will always be there. I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want mom or dad to do it either. As much as I want to fall apart I’m wondering how much more I can cry this year before it never stops.