It’s nothing new for me to have to fight with depression, or those lingering negative thoughts that seem to come to mind at the strangest of times. Sometimes it take conscious effort to remind myself that these feeling are only temporary, there are moments when they can be almost overpowering.
Isolation has got to be one of the worst things I have ever in my life experienced, and yet I still struggle with it on almost a daily. I know that you, my online friends would remind me that you are there to listen. Know while you are dear to me in many ways, internet and phone friendships just cannot replace being able to sit face to face with someone. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for ever having come back to this town, but honestly, I still have no idea where else there is to go.
Sometimes I fear I have forgotten how to interact with the world outside these four walls. Most people I know online would never believe the struggles I have with chronic shyness, and fear of rejection. Negative experiences over my lifetime have seemed to pre-dispose me to assume the worst.
It is a sad fact of the human existence that most people will reject others that cannot and do not fit into the mold of what is considered “normal.” I guess I have never had the common sense or the desire to be anything but myself. What is the lesser of the two evils, living to please others and making myself miserable, or being who I am and living with the continued rejection form those who cannot accept it?
Those of us that will never fit into the mold often want so badly to believe that it is alright to just be who we are. All we want is to know there is one person in this world who truly loves us despite the differences others see as flaws. Sadly, this seems the impossible dream to obtain, and for me the search continues.