I can always tell when I have been seriously depressed, it's like I lose all motivation to do very much of anything. Last night when i went to bed I caught myself thinking that I've been doing the same thing, day in and day out for weeks now. I get up, get online, work on a few avatars, maybe take a walk, but day to day, nothing really changes in my life. I think in a way I'm just afraid that it never will.
I'm sure everyone has a life that they dream of. The one I've always seen in my sleep isn't as glamorous or unrealistic as some if not most, but there are times it seems as if finding a partner in life, and settling down isn't going to happen for me. i'm back to asking myself all of the hard questions. What do I want, and more importantly what do I not want?
Theres a guy here in town I knew only in passing years ago, that I have recently been talking to online. I know several members of his family and we have grown up in the same small town most of our lives. Over the course of talking for a couple of weeks, he asked me out, and I haven't quite decided I'm going. I just don't quite know if I'm ready to start dating again, even though friends have insisted that going is the only way that I will know. I don't know if it is quite fair to Mark that I'm not really over the whole Chaz thing yet. I'm just afraid that I'm going to judge him too harshly, or lead him to think that we might go somewhere, and I might decide later that I'm not ready or able to give him that.
A lot of you outside my close circle of friend may not understand why this situation is so truly complicated for me. It isn't possible for me to just randomly hop into a new relationship and hope for the best. There are situations complicating it now that are going to have lasting longeterm effects on my life, and the life of whomever I eventually choose to commit to. I know there are many others in the world dealing with exactly what I am going through, but soemtimes it feels as if I am completely alone, and I'm afraid that it's always going to be this way. I don't know wether it's easiest to just be alone, or to try and risk rejection again. Part of me just wonders when I'm just going to stop crying.