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I’m very on edge lately, and especially since yesterday again. I wish PMS were all I had to blame it on. I’m irritable, grumpier than usual, and to top it off I’m still not sleeping well at night. I don’t want to feel this way, but it seems like every time I start to relax a little, something else happens that puts me back on my guard again.

Yesterday, it was finding out that even after having over a month to do so, social security still hasn’t processed a simple change with mine and my husband’s account. Long story short, if they don’t do so in the next couple of weeks, I won’t be getting my check in time to pay our rent. We spent all morning down at the local office wading our way through an almost two hour wait in line, just to be told to be patient and that they would get around to it, they swear in time to make sure the problem gets fixed and my check will arrive on time. I wish I could take them at their word, but if they couldn’t do it in the last 4 or 5 weeks, why should I believe they will bother to get it done in time now?

When it rains it pours lately…

I really wish things would be good for a change here. I’m tired of always being on my guard, waiting for the next thing to go wrong, and then struggling to fix it. It’s so hard to plan for our future or anything else, when I can’t even get simple answers, even after what’s now been months and months of waiting. Why does it take them over a month to finish a simple change on our account that they could probably do with a few keystrokes? Why does it take them until October for my husband’s checks to even start, when he was approved months and months ago? Meanwhile the money for him we haven’t even gotten yet, is already being counted against us on other benefits. Sometimes it makes me want to throw up my hands and give up, but I can’t. I have a family to take care of, one way or another.

I’m not easy to live with when I’m moody like this, but sometimes I don’t know whether I want to get angry, or find a quiet place to sit and cry for awhile. My initial reaction to the news was to panic, and once scared passed, I think I cried for about 10 minutes straight. Par for the course, worrying about this morning, I also didn’t sleep all that well, but I still got up and went downtown to do what we needed to.

I know I do a lot of complaining here, but all of this has to go somewhere, and I can’t bottle it up or take it out more on my husband than I probably already am without meaning to. It’s frustrating trying to have a conversation on a good day when it’s noisy and his hearing isn’t working well, and the baby is being noisy, it’s doubly so when I’m so stressed that I don’t have the patience God gave a box of animal crackers, and repeating myself isn’t working over all the racket. It’s not his fault, I know that. When I have something I think is important to say, and I’m not being heard, it’s hard to fight the urge to yell sometimes to make sure that he hears what I’m saying.

Sometimes I worry about his hearing, and what would happen in an emergency if he couldn’t understand me, it can make me a little overly protective. I’m the one that has to keep her ears peeled for the baby when we are sleeping, and for anything that goes bump in the night around here, not to mention that it’s safe to assume John would likely sleep right through a smoke alarm without me. Him getting a new hearing aid he could actually sleep with would be a great load off my mind, if such a thing actually exists. (we are presently just hoping to be able to get him a new hearing aid soon at all)

Here it is after 3am, and I am still awake again..

I know I should try to sleep now…

Wish me luck…

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