Falling apart

The last few weeks have been rough, and this last week especially. A lot has been going on, and there is so much weighing on me, so much worry, sadness, and frustration. It made it nearly impossible to want to work on the book, or to even write here, but tonight I am making myself at least write a blog post. It’s time I wrote something.

A lot of the worries are the usual ones, mostly a matter of money, but those aren’t the only things as of late. I’m dealing with not being able to find a ride to my daughter’s high school graduation, as badly as I want to be there. No amount of asking nicely, or offers of gas money has been adequate to persuade anyone. People make me feel like a loser for even asking. I can use greyhound to get half an hour away from there, but there’s no public transportation that can get me any closer. You’d be amazed how many people think you are worthless just because you can’t afford a car of your own.

As badly as that is weighing on me, it hasn’t helped that I found out one of my best friends for almost the last 20 years has passed away. It apparently happened months ago, and no one bothered to call and let me know he had passed, or that he was even getting in that bad of shape. I was in town a couple of weeks before he passed on, if I’d known I would have liked to have gone and seen him one last time, but sadly I didn’t get to.

I could have called and asked, long before I did, but honestly I had been dreading it. It may seem odd, but I kept telling myself that has long as I didn’t hear otherwise, Jimbo was still there. It’s hard to imagine that I will go back to town to visit, and I won’t be able to call him, and see him a short time later riding up on his bike wearing one of his old flannel shirts, playing with one random gadget or another. He’d pull more anime dvds out of his backpack and ask me if I wanted to split a pizza, and sit and talk until I’d be half falling asleep on him and have to ask him to finish the movies off at home.

That’s just who he was, strange, harmless, in a world of his own, but at the same time as caring and wonderful as he was introverted and shy. He was a hermit, but adopted my daughter and I as a surrogate family. She adored him from the time she was a small baby clear up until the end. He’d do anything for her, much more than her own father had ever done, even if it was just sitting on the floor with her watching cartoons, or remembering her birthday by bringing her some of the oddest presents under the sun.

Nothing I say right now could be enough. It’s all just words trying to relate, what really can’t be put into words. Someday soon it will hit me for real. I’ll sit and fall apart, but the world will keep turning, just a lot lonelier without him there.

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2 thoughts on “Falling apart

  1. Oh, sweetie, I so wish you were nearby so I could help you! I hope someone will come to your aid in attending your daughter’s big day. But, if you can’t attend, she will know that you tried your best and you will be there in spirit!

    As for the loss of your friend, I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a personal friend; but when that friend reaches out and touches our children’s lives..it becomes harder to lose that friendship.

    Know that he is at peace now..and keep him in your thoughts and your child’s memories. He has certainly earned that right!

    As a single mom who often found it difficult, if not impossible, to face the challenge of raising kids on a meager income, I can just say that you do the best you can. There is a saying that I held close when the bad times were stacking up on me:

    “This too shall pass.” I hope this helps a little.

  2. Oh *hugs* hun. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending some positive vibes your way so that you can start to find peace after your friend’s death and so that you can find a kind soul that is willing to help you attend your daughter’s graduation.

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