Lacking Motivation


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Writing seems to have gone by the wayside for me yet again. It’s not all that unusual for me to do this now that the weather is warming up. Lots of people are doing the July round of Camp NaNoWriMo, but I haven’t signed up this time, because I know I have far too much going on in my life at the moment to really commit to it. Between Thor’s busy schedule, and starting physical therapy next week that is far overdue, I know my days are going to be full.

Now that the weather is nicer, I am trying to make more of an effort to get out of the house. This new house is actually fairly nice, but I still find myself wanting to run back the the old and familiar, especially when anxiety is getting the best of me. I go back and forth between loving and hating it here sometimes because of it. I think it’s mostly the nowhere to go, and no one to really talk to thing that’s getting to me. It’s hard trying to find a place to fit in here. I’m starting to wonder how long that is going to take, considering I didn’t make a single real friend in the 3 years we lived in the last place. I guess I should be more optimistic that maybe it will be different here. Maybe…

As you can tell by the photo, the little guy is getting tall, as in really tall. He’s 40 inches in height already and about 35 pounds. It looks like he is going to be tall and lanky just like his daddy. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I will be very happy if the weight issues I have always struggled with will pass him by. He is a good healthy eater though, and will pick veggies to eat over just about anything. Bell peppers and ground turkey sloppy joes are about his favorite things in the world right now.

I still haven’t gotten word about Whitney’s court date yet, but that’s mostly because there is paperwork to finish, and then a another big game of hurry up and wait, when it comes to getting a hearing arranged. I am hoping and praying that my ex decides to skip this hearing as he has so many others that have taken place over the years. He’s never really been that involved with her growing up, but he unfortunately is the sort of person that would be vindictive at the hearing just to spite me. If he can find an opening and a knife to twist in the wound he will do it. He is an ex for so many reasons I really don’t want to get into here.

I’m so nervous over this guardianship hearing it’s got me on eggshells. I’ve been waiting so many years for this day to come, that I am beside myself worrying that something is going to screw it up. If I can just get her home than all this hoping and praying, and pain of the these last 7 years will be worth it.

7 years without your baby girl, that’s a hell of a long time to lose, with anyone, much less a piece of your heart, that’s been ripped away, and kept just out of reach for far too long…

Allergies and anxiety


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The cabin fever of winter has passed, but now I find myself sticking close to home for entirely new reasons. I seem to have moved into a town that is allergy central. Who knew? And to think I had been doing so well the last few years when I had lived in the big city. I should have realized with all these beautiful trees, and nice scenery comes lots and lots of pollen that is currently rearing its ugly head with me as we speak. Thor also apparently caught his first preschool related virus, without even leaving home. (which of course he has since passed on to me) He now has in-home head start three days a week, and thankfully he seems to enjoy it, even though he has warmed up to some of his 3 teachers, more than the others.

Thor especially seems to have developed quite an affection for “Miss Gena” the teacher that normally comes here on Monday mornings. Tuesdays he has speech lessons with “Miss Carrie”, and Thursdays he has regular in home preschool, but this time with “Miss Christie.” While Miss Gena has been very consistent with him since the beginning, Carrie and Christie are still relatively new to him, having only just replaced other teachers that had relocated and/or moved to different jobs. It does take Thor a little time to warm up to people. Even Gena had to wait several visits before he came out of his shell with her. I guess it would be hard for any kid to do well when the people teaching them are constantly coming and going. I’m hoping that this set of teachers will decide to stick it out, at least until he gets old enough to go to a regular head start class in the fall.

I still have a great deal of worry over the fact that his speech seems rather behind where it should be at his age. Gena has assured me time and again that, even though Thor doesn’t use words much, he is very bright for his age. I guess that’s what makes this whole speech delay all the more puzzling. Outside of his problems with speech, he’s already learning his colors, and can even do 24 pieces jigsaw puzzles by himself. He can’t say the names of most animals, but he does know them by the sounds they make. Owl and bird seem to be the exception to this rule at the moment. Kitties are “meow” and so forth. He now knows the difference between cats and dogs even if he doesn’t quite have a word or sound for dog yet.

This latest development came when we recently rescued an elderly female dachshund.Her owner had apparently been an elderly woman who lived alone, but very suddenly ended up in a rest home, unable to care for her. With the local humane society temporarily shuttered, this poor hound was pound bound. She is such a sweet dog, and so good with Thor and our cats that I couldn’t see letting her wind up somewhere she would probably have only quickly been put to sleep. At 11 years old she is quite healthy and active for a dog this age, but most shelters would have considered her too old to be adoptable.

Not all our animal adventures lately have been as fun. A bat decided to pay our house a visit a couple of weeks ago, and I must admit, I hid under a blanket and screamed like a girl while my husband and a nice police officer helped it back outside. No one is worse for the wear Thankfully it happened early enough in the evening that we were awake. It was pouring down rain that evening, so all we can figure is that the rain may have chased it inside when we went to let the dog out. We haven’t been able to find any other way it might have gotten in. Hopefully this will be an extremely isolated incident and not repeat itself. I hate bats. I can deal with them outdoors, but I want them to stay far far away from my house…please and thank you.

It’s just been another thing on top of everything else that’s had my nerves wound tight lately. My family has been fighting like cats and dogs since my grandmother passed away in February. It’s stressing me to the point I’ve had to go low contact for awhile with both sides. I can’t take all this bickering and fighting anymore. I just want to be happy, and as much as I’d like to have a couple of small things of hers to remember my grandmother by, putting myself in the middle of this to get it just doesn’t seem worth it. I am trying to do just what I know that she would tell me to do. I will love them all, but I don’t have to agree with them, or do what they do.

I’ve begun to wonder when life will not be such a roller coaster ride. I would love to be able to enjoy the beginning of summer and do all those other fun things I read about other families doing on facebook, or all those shiny parenting blogs I am always coming across. The shambles my life is, and how broke we are really only makes me feel like more of a failure sometimes.

Life is very lonely with no friends, or even family nearby, not that my family would be much if any comfort presently. (close and supportive they are not, nor have they ever been) Now that my grandmother is gone, I am feeling really lost. Honestly I don’t think I have ever in my life felt so alone. It’s especially hard that I didn’t get to say goodbye. My own family was too busy going at each other to make sure I could make it to the funeral. (the fighting has since only gotten worse…not that they have ever not been fighting my entire life)

I just want to be happy, I  want to get well from whatever bug preschool has drug in and do something, anything fun for a change. I want to have a fun summer the way that I used to. It doesn’t take expensive vacations, or even a non-existent beach or swimming pool. I miss having friends to hang around and do nothing with. I miss having places to go to just goof off for awhile and talk with people. It’s hard when you are barely making ends meet to even go out for a cup of coffee, much less think of other places people might be in walking distance of here. Going further than that takes a lot of time and quite a bit of planning here. You have no idea how I dream of being able to afford a car again, especially since moving here. Sadly our tv is broken, and there are a million other things that are even a higher priority for now when it comes to money and making sure the bills are paid. Hanging in here, don’t know how to do it any different.

Time flies


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Here it is December again, and a lot has been happening since I haven’t been tap-taping away at the keys. Some of it has been good, and some bad, but at least I can say that life lately is a bit different than the last time I wrote on this here blog.

My mother in law had a serious fall and has been in and out of the hospital yet again, and is presently in a rehabilitation nursing home trying to get back her strength so she can hopefully be home by Christmas. Thankfully nothing was broken, but no one knows what has been causing these weak spells she has been having. They seem to come on quickly, only to resolve themselves before anyone can find a cause. I really wish she would come and stay with us, but mom is stubborn and doesn’t want to leave her home, much less Indiana. If that news were not enough, we also found out the cancer my husband’s aunt had a few years ago has returned, and unfortunately it seems to be already at stage 4, and the doctors are unsure how much they will be able to do to help her. John seems to be taking that bit of news about as well as can be expected for now.

As overwhelming as the hard news lately has been, the good news is that the closing finally happened on the new house, even if moving cost way, way more than we had ever anticipated that it would. In fact, the movers ended up charging us around five hundred dollars more than their original estimate, so needless to say, the last couple of months have been kind of lean around here budget wise while we try to gather the things we will need for the new house. I guess I can’t expect miracles in that department overnight.

Christmas looks to be equally lean this year. I was able to get all of the kids at least a little something, but probably nothing like I know kids are usually hoping for. I hope my older kids will be happy with clothes, paperback books and homemade necklaces. Thor seems to be the easy one to shop for, board books and a see n say, and a little toy truck. I also picked up a used toddler bed for him to use whenever we have the money to get his room finished enough for him to move into.

Thor’s room was one of our not so nice surprises after we moved in here. Not only had someone started ripping the wallpaper down and didn’t bother finishing it, but sometime between the inspection on the house and the closing they had also taken the time to remove the light fixture in that bedroom, and so now we have to buy a new one and find someone to help us install it. We have the light fixture we want spotted, and know what color we are eventually going to paint the room once the work is done, getting it finished is mostly a matter of having the money to purchase the materials and help we will need to make it happen. Unfortunately those things just don’t come cheap nowadays.

I know we have many plans for what we would like to do with the new house in the coming months, but we know much of what we would like to do cannot happen overnight. All we can do is make a list of what we would like to have done, and try to figure out which things are a priority, and which of them would just be something that would eventually be nice to have. For the moment the first thing on the list is to get that light fixture replaced, and to get Thor’s room finished so the hubby and I can finally have some much needed privacy and more room to do our own room the way we would eventually like it to be.

For now the plan for Thor’s room is to paint it a nice pretty Tardis blue to begin with. Eventually when time and money allows the hubby will be painting murals of a nighttime forest with owls in the trees on his bedroom walls. The ceiling eventually will also have glow in the dark stars. Eventually… I’d just be happy getting his room painted and done enough for him to actually move into before spring. It’s all just a matter of too many plans and not enough money to do it all right now.

For now, even a month after moving in, we are still unpacking slowly but surely, and trying to get the house the way we want it to be. We are also slowly but surely trying to learn our way around this new town, and where to find the things we need. Not knowing anyone is really the hardest part of moving somewhere new. I am hoping that once the weather warms up a little and we get settled in, that we will be able to go out and meet some new people. So far the neighbors seem nice, but just like most places nowadays, most people pretty much seem to keep to themselves. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem to be nearly as easy to get to know anyone these days, maybe myself included. It doesn’t help that I’m rather shy around people I don’t know well, and I can tend to be quite a homebody.

For now we would like to wish you Blessed Holidays from our tiny town in middle of nowhere in Northwestern Pennsylvania. As for myself I will be trying to stay warm, and ride out the winter without turning into a mommysicile.

December has always been a hard time for me these last few years. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my dad passed away, and two years since I lost my lifelong friend Sandy. It’s hard not to curl up and have a good cry, but I know that’s not what either of them would have wanted. Maybe it’s ok to be sad, as long as I don’t forget all the good that is still here. Some days that is easier said than done.

Thor’s Second Birthday


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Thor just turned 2 years old today, and it seems like it all has gone by way too fast. He has so much energy, and such a big personality. He is sweet and playful, and already quite creative in his own way. Everything is an adventure for him, whether it is running away with daddy’s drumsticks, or reading the same picture book for the tenth time that day. He loves owls and cats, but his favorite thing in the world always has been and still seems to be music. He is my little ray of sunshine.

Ugga-mugga little man, stay this sweet and little just a little while longer, please.

Where does time go?

Just call me Linus


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Have you ever had something you loved so much as a child that it hurt you like crazy to lose it? Even now at 43 years old I’ve been sitting here wanting to cry my eyes out thinking about my favorite blanket.

It all started when I ran into this picture online, of a blanket just like the one I used to have. I got it for christmas as a kid, and throughout most of my life, it was my prized possession.

Unfortunately it was stolen several years ago, and ever since occasionally, especially when I am really stressed out, or sad I really start to miss it again. As I said before, it was my security blanket. For years and years it went with me everywhere I went or moved, and I never slept a night without it. Having it ripped away hurt more than it probably should, but I am sure almost all of us have at some point in our lives lost something that meant a great deal to us.

I’ve been searching for 10 years now for one like it to no avail. Every time I see a listing for one online, the item has already sold, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have my blanket back. Well it won’t be MY blanket, but one sort of like it, and I know that. Just call me Linus. I know it wouldn’t be the same, but believe me getting one like it back again would make me feel a whole lot better.

Cross your fingers for me please….this search is far from over…

Busy Summer


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Yes I know, I haven’t been around to post much of anything lately. The blog has been far from my mind most of the summer this year, because there has been so much going on offline.

For starters there has been a little progress on our housing situation. For now we are still right in the same apartment we have been in all along, sans roommate. Unfortunately, this means even more behind financially than we were before, even if things are a lot more peaceful, or as peaceful as things can be with a wound up toddler in the house. Hopefully within the next month we will be able to close on the house my mother in law has been buying for us to rent from her. Even as I write this, I am still thinking of the events of these last couple of weeks, especially thankful, because it all came very close to never being able to happen at all.

We first went to see this house back in June, after having been outbid at the last second on another, something that had me crying my eyes out for days, I must admit. I had really loved that house, I mean REALLY. I guess looking back now, if it would have really been meant to be our house, that wouldn’t have happened. After a few days we went back to the drawing board, and started looking for something else, and a few weeks later the realtor had a house to show us that had just been put on the market, so we went up to look at it.

I was trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time, even as I walked through what turned out to be an absolutely gorgeous house. We talked it over not long, before my mother in law decided to make an offer on it, before we even left the town where the house is located that afternoon. After that began the very very long process of trying to get everything finalized with the bank. The bank is being slower than molasses in a snowstorm.  I realize that banks are more cautious about who they give home loans to nowadays but I think this bank is taking the cake on how many verifications they claim they need. They even made mom file the paperwork all over again, because it had been over 6 months since she had first applied for the mortgage, even though it’s because of their being slow, not anything we haven’t done.

All along I have been hoping and praying that nothing would derail all this, and that we would finally be in a home we could afford, and have a little room to breathe. Imagine if you will our horror last month when we saw a mysterious phone call from my husband’s uncle on our caller ID. Most people wouldn’t consider this unusual, except for the fact that he never ever calls us. Unable to reach John’s mom, we called the number back, and got no answer. By this time we were really freaking out.

It wasn’t until an hour or so later that we finally got a phone call explaining to us what was going on and confirming at least some of our fears. John’s mom had suffered a massive heart attack early that morning, but in true Mama style, hadn’t wanted to worry us. She had already gone through surgery, and had forbidden anyone to call us, because she wanted us to hear about what had happened from her. She has since been released from the hospital and so far seems to be doing better, even if the doctors say she may need another surgery in the coming months, to prevent her heart from having further problems, just as a precautionary measure. This whole heart attack thing came completely out of the blue, Mama had no known history of heart disease, and up until this point had been reasonably spry even for being 82.

Ever since all this happened, I have been on pins and needles over this, and so many other things. It’s not just because I am worried about mom, or that I know just how close we came to our dream over this house suddenly not happening. I know as well as John does, if something had happened to her, we’d be homeless and on the street in a matter of weeks, with nowhere to go. Part of me is going to be scared to death over all this until the keys to the house are in my hand, and we’ve finished moving in. Is it wrong of me to just want a stable place for Thor to grow up, where we can afford to live without mom having to help us cover our bills for the month? Like it or not, we just can’t afford to live where we are living now much longer. We’re sinking fast here.

For now all we can do is stay busy, and do the best we can, about the things we can control, lord knows there is more than enough that we have no control over lately. We can’t make this bank thing go any faster, any more than we can make money we need all too badly appear out of thin air.

Thor enjoys walks, so we take him on a lot of walks, and trips to the park, one thing that at least for now, is an activity we can do within walking distance of the house that won’t make us break the bank trying to afford bus fare. He loves to take actual walks around the block in the evening now, and not just stroller rides. Of course, we have a harness for him, to make sure he stays safe, while it lets him walk all on his own, just the way he likes it. That would be the little turtle backpack looking thing you may have already seen in the photos posted here. Believe it or not, he really does enjoy wearing it, and actually gets excited about putting it on, because he knows when he does, it means he has a bye bye coming.

His favorite thing on trips to the park, or on walks is to find himself a nice stick to carry around with him. Occasionally he stops, and tries to draw on the ground using said stick. Sometimes I wish I could still be as thrilled about the little things as he often seems to be. Sometimes, watching him, I can almost remember what it was like to be small, and have every day be such an adventure. I try to remember some of the things that used to make me happy. Thor now loves many of those same things, even if he is very different, and loves things that are quite uniquely his own style. Maybe someday I’ll once again get as excited about Mister Rogers, sticks and empty laundry baskets. Well, I still do love Mister Rogers as much as I always have , so I guess one of of three ain’t bad.


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