Time flies

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Here it is December again, and a lot has been happening since I haven’t been tap-taping away at the keys. Some of it has been good, and some bad, but at least I can say that life lately is a bit different than the last time I wrote on this here blog.

My mother in law had a serious fall and has been in and out of the hospital yet again, and is presently in a rehabilitation nursing home trying to get back her strength so she can hopefully be home by Christmas. Thankfully nothing was broken, but no one knows what has been causing these weak spells she has been having. They seem to come on quickly, only to resolve themselves before anyone can find a cause. I really wish she would come and stay with us, but mom is stubborn and doesn’t want to leave her home, much less Indiana. If that news were not enough, we also found out the cancer my husband’s aunt had a few years ago has returned, and unfortunately it seems to be already at stage 4, and the doctors are unsure how much they will be able to do to help her. John seems to be taking that bit of news about as well as can be expected for now.

As overwhelming as the hard news lately has been, the good news is that the closing finally happened on the new house, even if moving cost way, way more than we had ever anticipated that it would. In fact, the movers ended up charging us around five hundred dollars more than their original estimate, so needless to say, the last couple of months have been kind of lean around here budget wise while we try to gather the things we will need for the new house. I guess I can’t expect miracles in that department overnight.

Christmas looks to be equally lean this year. I was able to get all of the kids at least a little something, but probably nothing like I know kids are usually hoping for. I hope my older kids will be happy with clothes, paperback books and homemade necklaces. Thor seems to be the easy one to shop for, board books and a see n say, and a little toy truck. I also picked up a used toddler bed for him to use whenever we have the money to get his room finished enough for him to move into.

Thor’s room was one of our not so nice surprises after we moved in here. Not only had someone started ripping the wallpaper down and didn’t bother finishing it, but sometime between the inspection on the house and the closing they had also taken the time to remove the light fixture in that bedroom, and so now we have to buy a new one and find someone to help us install it. We have the light fixture we want spotted, and know what color we are eventually going to paint the room once the work is done, getting it finished is mostly a matter of having the money to purchase the materials and help we will need to make it happen. Unfortunately those things just don’t come cheap nowadays.


I know we have many plans for what we would like to do with the new house in the coming months, but we know much of what we would like to do cannot happen overnight. All we can do is make a list of what we would like to have done, and try to figure out which things are a priority, and which of them would just be something that would eventually be nice to have. For the moment the first thing on the list is to get that light fixture replaced, and to get Thor’s room finished so the hubby and I can finally have some much needed privacy and more room to do our own room the way we would eventually like it to be.

For now the plan for Thor’s room is to paint it a nice pretty Tardis blue to begin with. Eventually when time and money allows the hubby will be painting murals of a nighttime forest with owls in the trees on his bedroom walls. The ceiling eventually will also have glow in the dark stars. Eventually… I’d just be happy getting his room painted and done enough for him to actually move into before spring. It’s all just a matter of too many plans and not enough money to do it all right now.

For now, even a month after moving in, we are still unpacking slowly but surely, and trying to get the house the way we want it to be. We are also slowly but surely trying to learn our way around this new town, and where to find the things we need. Not knowing anyone is really the hardest part of moving somewhere new. I am hoping that once the weather warms up a little and we get settled in, that we will be able to go out and meet some new people. So far the neighbors seem nice, but just like most places nowadays, most people pretty much seem to keep to themselves. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t seem to be nearly as easy to get to know anyone these days, maybe myself included. It doesn’t help that I’m rather shy around people I don’t know well, and I can tend to be quite a homebody.

For now we would like to wish you Blessed Holidays from our tiny town in middle of nowhere in Northwestern Pennsylvania. As for myself I will be trying to stay warm, and ride out the winter without turning into a mommysicile.

December has always been a hard time for me these last few years. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my dad passed away, and two years since I lost my lifelong friend Sandy. It’s hard not to curl up and have a good cry, but I know that’s not what either of them would have wanted. Maybe it’s ok to be sad, as long as I don’t forget all the good that is still here. Some days that is easier said than done.

Thor’s Second Birthday

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Thor just turned 2 years old today, and it seems like it all has gone by way too fast. He has so much energy, and such a big personality. He is sweet and playful, and already quite creative in his own way. Everything is an adventure for him, whether it is running away with daddy’s drumsticks, or reading the same picture book for the tenth time that day. He loves owls and cats, but his favorite thing in the world always has been and still seems to be music. He is my little ray of sunshine.

Ugga-mugga little man, stay this sweet and little just a little while longer, please.

Where does time go?

Just call me Linus

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Have you ever had something you loved so much as a child that it hurt you like crazy to lose it? Even now at 43 years old I’ve been sitting here wanting to cry my eyes out thinking about my favorite blanket.

It all started when I ran into this picture online, of a blanket just like the one I used to have. I got it for christmas as a kid, and throughout most of my life, it was my prized possession.

Unfortunately it was stolen several years ago, and ever since occasionally, especially when I am really stressed out, or sad I really start to miss it again. As I said before, it was my security blanket. For years and years it went with me everywhere I went or moved, and I never slept a night without it. Having it ripped away hurt more than it probably should, but I am sure almost all of us have at some point in our lives lost something that meant a great deal to us.

I’ve been searching for 10 years now for one like it to no avail. Every time I see a listing for one online, the item has already sold, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have my blanket back. Well it won’t be MY blanket, but one sort of like it, and I know that. Just call me Linus. I know it wouldn’t be the same, but believe me getting one like it back again would make me feel a whole lot better.

Cross your fingers for me please….this search is far from over…

Busy Summer

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Yes I know, I haven’t been around to post much of anything lately. The blog has been far from my mind most of the summer this year, because there has been so much going on offline.

For starters there has been a little progress on our housing situation. For now we are still right in the same apartment we have been in all along, sans roommate. Unfortunately, this means even more behind financially than we were before, even if things are a lot more peaceful, or as peaceful as things can be with a wound up toddler in the house. Hopefully within the next month we will be able to close on the house my mother in law has been buying for us to rent from her. Even as I write this, I am still thinking of the events of these last couple of weeks, especially thankful, because it all came very close to never being able to happen at all.

We first went to see this house back in June, after having been outbid at the last second on another, something that had me crying my eyes out for days, I must admit. I had really loved that house, I mean REALLY. I guess looking back now, if it would have really been meant to be our house, that wouldn’t have happened. After a few days we went back to the drawing board, and started looking for something else, and a few weeks later the realtor had a house to show us that had just been put on the market, so we went up to look at it.

I was trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time, even as I walked through what turned out to be an absolutely gorgeous house. We talked it over not long, before my mother in law decided to make an offer on it, before we even left the town where the house is located that afternoon. After that began the very very long process of trying to get everything finalized with the bank. The bank is being slower than molasses in a snowstorm.  I realize that banks are more cautious about who they give home loans to nowadays but I think this bank is taking the cake on how many verifications they claim they need. They even made mom file the paperwork all over again, because it had been over 6 months since she had first applied for the mortgage, even though it’s because of their being slow, not anything we haven’t done.

All along I have been hoping and praying that nothing would derail all this, and that we would finally be in a home we could afford, and have a little room to breathe. Imagine if you will our horror last month when we saw a mysterious phone call from my husband’s uncle on our caller ID. Most people wouldn’t consider this unusual, except for the fact that he never ever calls us. Unable to reach John’s mom, we called the number back, and got no answer. By this time we were really freaking out.

It wasn’t until an hour or so later that we finally got a phone call explaining to us what was going on and confirming at least some of our fears. John’s mom had suffered a massive heart attack early that morning, but in true Mama style, hadn’t wanted to worry us. She had already gone through surgery, and had forbidden anyone to call us, because she wanted us to hear about what had happened from her. She has since been released from the hospital and so far seems to be doing better, even if the doctors say she may need another surgery in the coming months, to prevent her heart from having further problems, just as a precautionary measure. This whole heart attack thing came completely out of the blue, Mama had no known history of heart disease, and up until this point had been reasonably spry even for being 82.

Ever since all this happened, I have been on pins and needles over this, and so many other things. It’s not just because I am worried about mom, or that I know just how close we came to our dream over this house suddenly not happening. I know as well as John does, if something had happened to her, we’d be homeless and on the street in a matter of weeks, with nowhere to go. Part of me is going to be scared to death over all this until the keys to the house are in my hand, and we’ve finished moving in. Is it wrong of me to just want a stable place for Thor to grow up, where we can afford to live without mom having to help us cover our bills for the month? Like it or not, we just can’t afford to live where we are living now much longer. We’re sinking fast here.

For now all we can do is stay busy, and do the best we can, about the things we can control, lord knows there is more than enough that we have no control over lately. We can’t make this bank thing go any faster, any more than we can make money we need all too badly appear out of thin air.

Thor enjoys walks, so we take him on a lot of walks, and trips to the park, one thing that at least for now, is an activity we can do within walking distance of the house that won’t make us break the bank trying to afford bus fare. He loves to take actual walks around the block in the evening now, and not just stroller rides. Of course, we have a harness for him, to make sure he stays safe, while it lets him walk all on his own, just the way he likes it. That would be the little turtle backpack looking thing you may have already seen in the photos posted here. Believe it or not, he really does enjoy wearing it, and actually gets excited about putting it on, because he knows when he does, it means he has a bye bye coming.

His favorite thing on trips to the park, or on walks is to find himself a nice stick to carry around with him. Occasionally he stops, and tries to draw on the ground using said stick. Sometimes I wish I could still be as thrilled about the little things as he often seems to be. Sometimes, watching him, I can almost remember what it was like to be small, and have every day be such an adventure. I try to remember some of the things that used to make me happy. Thor now loves many of those same things, even if he is very different, and loves things that are quite uniquely his own style. Maybe someday I’ll once again get as excited about Mister Rogers, sticks and empty laundry baskets. Well, I still do love Mister Rogers as much as I always have , so I guess one of of three ain’t bad.

Out of Time

Aurora:

This post was originally published to my writing blog, which I have decided to put on hold for the time being. I just realized I never did post it here on my regular blog.

Originally posted on Tina Marie Smith:

This story is in response to the Daily Prompt for August 4th, 2013

If only I could go back in time…

How many of us have ever uttered those self same words, and wished for the chance, to undo what in hindsight seems to be a chapter of our lives worth forgetting? Few have gotten the chance, until now, to re-order destiny. For a millennium we completely lacked the technology, but gaining technology, as advantageous as it was also caused us to lose something of our humanity along the way.

The changes that took place in the past of our ancestors were slow, and subtle enough that they seemed not to notice all the knowledge that they were losing. We now dwell in cities, because we have forgotten how to live in nature. Our food supplies are now automated and strictly controlled. Human beings rarely converse in person, but do…

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Emotional Rollercoaster

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Life has surely had its ups and downs the last couple of months here. We’ve jumped through so many hoops, sometimes I wonder how much more jumping I have left in me. Being this stressed is exhausting. It’s easy for others to tell you not to worry, when they really have no idea what you are going through. Sometimes I wish people would do a little less telling me not to worry, and just ask me what it is they can do to help. Life would be so much easier.

We are still looking for a new place to live, and for a short while, we thought we had found what seemed the near-perfect place for us. It was a nice house in a very small town an hour to the north of where we live now. John’s mom was going to help us get the down payment to be able to buy it, and I thought things were finally looking up.

That was until, lo and behold, and out of state buyer swooped in at the last moment, and outbid our offer by several thousand dollars.

Needless to say I was crushed and still am. Now I guess it is back to the drawing board. The realtor says she has more homes she can show us, but in our price range, the selection is kind of limited. Part of me is almost afraid to get my hopes up, but I want us to have a nice home of our own so badly. Rents are way out of league around here, buying seems like our only option if we have a prayer of affording anything. Rent on a comparable house would be four times as much as the mortgage payment would be, at the very least.

I just want a stable place to call home. I want somewhere for Thor to grow up, and not worry him over having to move every few years. I want to be able to paint walls a color that isn’t white or beige, and hang as many pictures as I darn well please. Now that my older kids are grown, in a few years I want something their kids will be able to call grandma and grandpa’s house, somewhere they can run back and forth in and jump up and down on the floor in without driving the downstairs neighbors insane.

Maybe it’s all just too much to ask for, but I have to keep trying. Hopefully when next week comes, there will be better news.

Meanwhile the little guy is growing like a weed and into everything. He keeps me smiling even when it seems like the job of trying to keep up with him never ends. He is almost frighteningly smart nowadays. He already knows how to do basic things not only on our cell phone, but also on the computer. He can open iTunes and play his favorite music, which I think he recognizes by the album cover pictures. He also already uses about a dozen different words , with some of his most consistent ones being: up, spoon, hi, no, and of course the word, owl. He still can’t seem to get enough of owls, which have been his favorite animal since he was only a few weeks old, but which are now having to share a special place in his heart with cats, especially his now much beloved stuffed cat named Tygie.

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Tygie is the first toy that I can say, Thor picked out all by himself. He takes him almost anywhere and everywhere now, at least around the house. We try to make sure he leaves him at home when we have somewhere to go, because we are a little afraid of the cat getting lost. Thor would be devastated if that happened. He won’t go to sleep at nap time or at bedtime without him.

As you can see, orange cats are by far his favorite, I think because they look like our real live cats. The kitty here in the photo with Tygie is our oldest cat, who unfortunately came to us already with the name Boobies. He is quite an old man now, at 19 years old, and is very well loved, if slightly afraid of our son when he’s being noisy and moving too quickly near him. Thankfully Thor is getting much better about being gentle with the cats, and doesn’t pull tails nearly as often as he used to.

I am unsure what else to write about at this time. It’s hard to write, let alone be creative when your mind seems so busy with every day worries that seem so overwhelming. Writing used to be an escape, but nowadays it seems impossible when life seems this overwhelming. I am hoping to some day soon to at least have something good to write about here, instead of all this seemingly endless venting of the day’s issues.

Even if it is with much ranting and complaining, I always seem to keep moving, somehow…

 

 

I’m back, some assembly required…

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The last few weeks have been scary and stressful around here. It’s kind of a long story, so I’ll try to condense it as much as I possibly can.

I haven’t been feeling well on and off for at least the last couple of years. I had almost no appetite, had on and off bouts of horrible back pain among other issues. A few times the pain had gotten so bad I had sought help at the local emergency room. Needless to say the doctors blew me off, and even treated me like someone trolling for pain pills. They did no testing, gave me a dose of Tylenol and sent me home, repeatedly.

Last month I predictably came down with another bout of pain, this one even worse than before. Again I went to the ER to try and get help, and I expected the whole lather, rinse, repeat. Luckily for me, instead of the regular ER doctor on call I ended up with a very lovely young intern who actually not only examined me properly, she asked me questions. The first one being…Do you still have your gallbladder?

One ultrasound later, it was confirmed that I had gallstones, likely the cause of a lot of my health issues for the last few years…

A couple of days and one more ER trip later I was referred to a surgeon, and put on a 6 week waiting list for surgery to have my gallbladder removed, or so we thought….

I made it not even a week without another couple of ER trips before the surgeon on call decided to admit me and get it over with. The next day they informed me that it was a good thing they’ gotten to me when they did, or it probably wouldn’t have been long before I’d have suffered not only liver issues, but my gallbladder may have burst.

The moral of the story?

Trust your gut if you really feel that something is wrong. If your doctor won’t listen, find one who will, even if they are only running the tests to humor  you. It upsets me that I was in pain needlessly for I know at least well over a year.

Sure surgery is scary, but I woke up in less pain after than before, and am thankful that someone finally listened to me, and took the time to find what the cause of my pain and illness really was. In my case it took a different doctor and a different hospital. Don’t be afraid to make waves, and be the figurative squeaky wheel that needs greasing.

The life you save may be your own.

You know the place…


I think everyone has been here at one time or another. The problem being, sometimes I swear I live there, and have for some time. Our present living situation seems to be at last coming to a head. trying to decide where to go, or not go from here, feels more like trying to choose between three potential evils, and trying to figure out which is the least of them.

Stay or leave? The worst part is not knowing where the money is going to come from to do either. Is there any such thing as winning, let alone getting ahead? All this constant anxiety and worry isn’t doing anything for my health physically or mentally.

Are the things I am praying for all that much to ask for? All I want is a safe and affordable home for my family to live in. I don’t wanna worry about doing without here, or putting ourselves in an even worse situation if we leave here. We sadly may not have a choice if we don’t find a way to remedy our present situation within the next couple of weeks. Trying to stay busy is all that’s keeping me from curling up in a ball and crying sometimes. Who am I kidding…a lot of the time.

I know people will offer to pray for you, but sometimes I wish someone would offer to do more for us than pray. We are sinking fast, and no one seems to be able to tell us where to turn, let alone help us find the help we really do need. I’m so tired of going through my cell phone minutes, only to be given the run around and asked to call yet another agency that can’t help us either. I’m not going into details, because I don’t know who’s reading who might be waiting to twist this to use against us, in the rumor mill, or worse given the chance.

Is it too much to hope for to keep my family together?

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